25 Reasons to be a "Pro-Gunner"

Apr 8, 2005 (Updated Apr 27, 2005)

The Bottom Line It's amazing what one has to believe to believe the NRA.

When I was in high school, I used to think guns were cool. OK, I'm not gonna lie...I still think guns are cool. I'm pretty sure most American teenagers with raging hormones go through a phase in their lives where they find themselves drawn to the mystique and design of firearms, and I'm not any different. I used to read gun magazines and web sites all the time, and I still do sometimes, just to keep up with the latest news on advances in handgun design or the latest AK-47 and AR-15 variants being manufactured. I used to go shooting with my dad, too (this being North Carolina and all), though I haven't done that in a while. What can I say...guns are cool, and everybody knows that.

Anyway, now that I'm in college, I've increasingly begun to realize my liberal beliefs, and I now find myself laughing at my "Pro-Gun" days. I used to read articles on idiotic right-wing websites like KeepAndBearArms.com and hang around on pro-gun message boards. The people on these sites would repeatedly rant about how gun control in America is part of a "socialist/communist" conspiracy to enslave the population, and that preservation of the 2nd Amendment is the only way to keep those evil commies in check. Apparently, the era of McCarthyism hasn't ended for these people; I wouldn't be surprised if they idolized J. Edgar Hoover. I'm not kidding about this stuff, either - anyone who thinks that General Ripper from "Dr. Strangelove" was a caricature should take a look at pro-gun message boards and see what kind of nonsense these people talk. What's even more ridiculous is that I actually found myself buying into this conservative bullsh*t (ironically, I also was a big fan of gangsta rap, which tends to be extremely left-wing in its political implications). Whatever was I thinking? *Slaps forehead*

However, as I grew older and started learning more, it didn't take me long to begin realizing the idiocy of the so-called "Pro-Gun" community (anti-gun control is a more apt description, in my mind), and that most of the NRA-scripted "arguments" that these people recite ad nauseum are rife with contradictions in logic and fact. As far as I'm concerned, gun control is very much a good thing, and the majority of the people that oppose it so vehemently are (A.) Fools (B.) Obsessed with guns and afraid they'll be deprived of their precious toys, or (C.) Paranoid of the government to an unhealthy extent. The fact that these people think Democrats are equivalent to "communists" and "socialists", or that they'll argue that there's "no difference" between a 30-round magazine and three 10-round magazine, should give you a good idea of how stupid they are. They also seem to think that anyone who supports gun control (such as background checks) wants to ban all guns. I find it amazing that somebody can be so ignorant and still consider themselves to be knowledgable about a subject. Don't get me wrong; this doesn't mean I "hate" guns or even conservatives in general (I met plenty of people that could present intelligent arguments for their positions, and seemed to be embarrassed by the idiots surrounding them).

Anyway, among the foolishness I've run into is a list of 40 reasons to support gun control that attempts to mock gun control supporters. It's been published on many pro-gun websites, but here's one link I found:


I used to think this list was like WORD or something, but now that I read it, I find myself shaking my head. It's all just the usual hole-filled "logic" and stereotypes which are a hallmark of the NRA and other pro-gun groups. Therefore, I've decided to write my own list that mocks pro-gunners in the same way. If you're as knowledgeable about the whole gun control debate as I am, this should all be familiar to you. So far, this piece is a work in progress. I've only got 25 reasons so far, but I'll try to add more. If you support gun control and can come up with any more, feel free to mention them in the comments section. Hopefully, I can eventually get this piece into wider circulation on gun control web sites.

Therefore, here are 25 reasons to be "Pro-Gun" (AKA opposed to any and all gun control laws):

(1.) Regardless of what gun-control laws are passed, criminals will always be able to get guns as easily as they can acquire marijuana and cocaine, because we all know that guns can be grown in fields or greenhouses.

(2.) Having to register guns will inevitably lead to a complete ban on guns, just as automobile registration has led to an outright ban on automobiles.

(3.) Furthermore, nations such as Switzerland, which has high gun ownership rates and strict gun control laws (and is often praised by the NRA for allowing its citizens to own assault rifles), are proof that gun control always leads to complete bans on guns.

(4.) It’s unfair to stereotype all pro-gunners as jingoistic right-wingers, xenophobes, or uneducated, trailer-trash rednecks, but it’s OK to stereotype all gun controllers as freedom-hating “communists”, peace-loving hippies/cowards, or just plain gun haters.

(5.) We know for a fact that guns are used defensively 2.5 million times a year, as proven by Gary Kleck’s very accurate study which made an estimate of between 800,000 and 2.45 million times a year (a very narrow margin of error that is not statistically significant).

(6.) And of course, we all know that Kleck’s study is so unbiased and accurate that its validity can never be questioned. Studies to the contrary such as the Census Bureau’s National Crime Victimization Survey (which estimated that there are less than 100,000 defensive gun uses annually) are to be ignored because they come from biased sources.

(7.) Private citizens can never hope to acquire firearms when gun control laws exist, but all “criminals” have instant connections to black-market arms dealers. Therefore, if a citizen becomes a “criminal” by committing a minor felony (i.e. shoplifting), he or she magically gains access to an unlimited supply of illegal firearms through the black market.

(8.) Through this elusive “black market”, criminals can acquire any types of weapons they desire, including fully automatic weapons, grenades, and rocket launchers. But despite having access to such powerful weaponry, they’ll still be deterred from committing a crime by the possibility of confronting a victim who is carrying a concealed .38 snub-nose or sub-compact Glock.

(9.) Sarah Brady hates guns and wants to ban all firearms from private possession, which is why she bought her son a hunting rifle for Christmas.

(10.) The politicians who support gun control laws are “socialists” and “communists”, such as Ronald Reagan (who has spoken in favor of the Brady Bill and Assault Weapons Ban) and George Bush, Sr. (who publicly tore up his NRA membership to protest their policies).

(11.) Only people that hate guns would ever support gun control laws, which is why over 40% of gun OWNERS in America have expressed support for a gun licensing system.

(12.) Handguns and assault weapons are explicitly protected by the 2nd Amendment because they are needed to fight against a tyrannical government, but tanks, fighter aircraft, helicopter gunships, and nuclear weapons are not protected for some reason.

(13.) There is no practical difference between one 30-round magazine and three 10-round magazines because it’s easy to reload quickly. But for some reason, it is still essential that citizens have these high-capacity magazines to defend against criminals.

(14.) When gun controllers cite incidents such as the Columbine shooting as proof that more gun control is needed, they are just “appealing to emotion” instead of logic. But when pro-gunners say that Columbine could have been prevented if teachers were allowed to carry guns, they are making a logical, sound argument.

(15.) Private citizens shouldn’t be required to undergo training in order to qualify for a concealed-carry permit. They are born with the necessary skills to successfully brandish firearms against criminals, unlike police officers, who are required to train with their service handguns yet can still make fatal mistakes (20% of police officers murdered are killed with their own weapons).

(16.) Assault weapons don’t need to be banned because they are “functionally identical” to standard hunting rifles and shotguns, and thus not genuine military weapons. They also shouldn’t be banned because the “militia” described in the 2nd Amendment needs them to defend us against a tyrannical government, and standard hunting rifles or shotguns would never be up to the task.

(17.) The glorification of firearms in movies and video games is wrong and promotes irresponsible gun usage, but the gun industry’s advertising propaganda, which exploits people’s fear of criminals to sell guns, is perfectly responsible.

(18.) Despite the U.K.’s strict gun laws, criminals still have easy access to any firearms they desire, which is why the vast majority of gun crimes in Britain are committed with air guns, blank-firing replicas, deactivated firearms, or even painted water pistols.

(19.) Even if criminals didn’t have access to guns, they could always use baseball bats or knives to commit crimes instead, because we all know that it’s just as easy to do a drive-by stabbing or clubbing as it is to do a drive-by shooting.

(20.) The only reason gun crime is so high in the U.S. is because we don’t punish criminals harshly enough; after all, the U.S. only imprisons more people per capita than any other democratic nation in the world.

(21.) Firearms ownership guarantees that tyrannical governments can never come to power, which is why Iraq’s heavily armed civilian population was able to overthrow Saddam Hussein’s reign.

(22.) Criminals, being the lowlife, deviant scum they are, would never be smart enough to anticipate the possibility that their victims might be armed, and would thus never take along guns themselves.

(23.) Hollywood has an anti-gun agenda, which is why gun manufacturers such as Magnum Research (manufacturer of the Desert Eagle) have often donated their guns to movie rental armories (such as Stembridge) for use in Hollywood films as a means of free advertising.

(24.) Gun manufacturers such as Ronnie Barret (who has protested bans on his company’s .50 caliber rifles) deserve to be looked upon as model citizens, and gun manufacturers such as Smith & Wesson and Ruger (which have supported several gun control laws) are traitors to freedom (AKA “socialists” or “communists).

(25.) I believe in gun control (and wrote this piece to satirize pro-gunners) because I hate guns and want to see them all banned, which is why I own guns and also enjoy reading firearms-related literature.

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