Handicapping the PapalchaseApr 15, 2005 (Updated Apr 19, 2005) Write an essay on this topic.
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You know, I just got to thinking that the death of a Pope is kind of like St. Patrick's Day - only with more drinking. It's one of those rare occasions when those who aren't in the club get a chance to pretend they are. But instead of those stupid "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" buttons, we Catholics hawk our "Forgive Me, I'm Catholic" versions to the rubes.
But the Pope's passing also brings up all sorts of questions regarding the inner-working of the Vatican. As PJ2 was officially buried on the 9th, There are now only a coupe of days remaining before the austere College of the Cardinals, that bastion of Catholic autocracy and dogma, seclude themselves within the hallowed walls of St. Peters Basilica, to engage in the mystical and traditional rite of choosing the next representative of God on earth.
Of course, non-Catholics view this as yet another ostentatious display of idolatry, and further proof of the satanic influence of what they call the cult of Catholisicm, but then again, the feeling is mutual: Catholics hate them right back.
However, its the goings on behind those ornate doors that create the intrigue. What goes on, and why is it so secret?
What goes on? What you would expect when a bunch of old men gather in one place: a lot of complaining about various body pains, a few dirty jokes, and an almost unbearable degree of tension regarding complaints about the soup. Naturally, one will loudly whine about how cold it is, and cant they turn up the heat? while another will suddenly realize he didnt pack enough Depends. Once the arguments regarding room assignments and who stole the Vatican Daily from the toilet have been resolved, its time to get down to business.
The actual voting process goes a little like this.
1. The conclave is called to order with a grand procession, a clanging of bells, and loud shouts of shut the hell up!
2. The newest Cardinals have to play "soggy biscuit" with the loser using it for his communion.
3. Lunch of Loaves & Fishes.
4. A preliminary vote is taken among the Cardinals, determining the top five candidates.
5. The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth will smear the opposition, calling them Jew lovers or stinking Lutherans.
6. Spin Doctors try and contain the damage.
7. Dinner Break of Manna and Redemption.
8. The Final Five are seated around a table, playing Biblical Trivial Pursuit until only two remain.
9. Screening of The Passion of the Christ.
10. Final showdown involves a drinking contest with Sacramental wine. The winner is declared Pope.
Okay, maybe that isnt exactly how it goes, but it is pretty close.
Regardless, there is an election to evaluate, and that is what I am here for. I am all about the help. So, here are the hot candidates, their odds, and a brief handicap about them. After reading this, you can stop by www.fezbrothersink.com/pick-a-pope.htm to enter the contest and maybe win a very cool prize.
John Ratzinger, Germany (4-1): Ultra hard-ass dogmatist who once led the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (formerly known as the Inquisition), currently the dean of College of Cardinals. Will establish Vatican Reich after annexing the Eastern Rite.
Jean-Marie Lustiger, France (5-1): The Archbishop of Paris is a no-nonsense conservative dogmatic, which appeals to the contingent of Angry Cardinals. However, his chances are harmed by continually referring to non-Catholic Christians as dirty, stinking Huguenots, and by the fact that nobody likes the French.
Dionigi Tettamanzi, Italy (13-2): Affable, jovial, and drunk. The Archbishop of Milan (aka the Papal Finishing School), makes an appealing choice for traditionalists, and those who believe the Church should move away from the Inquisition. Tettamanzi is much more liberal than Lustiger or Ratzinger, but has much fouler smelling farts.
Francis Arinze, Nigeria (10-1): One-time front runner, the Head of Vatican Office or Interfaith Relations has fallen like a paralyzed falcon in the running. Arinze is socially conscious and a sympathetic, symbolic pick for emerging Catholic nations, but his plan for outreach into the Muslim community by offering free baptisms before every suicide bombing backfires.
Claudio Hummes, Brazil (15-1): The fiery Archbishop of Sao Paolo is another liberal option, but the consensus feels Brazil has enough notoriety from its national soccer team. Besides, his plan to introduce the Samba to the liturgy has met with only limited appeal.
Be sure to drop by http://www.fezbrothersink.com/pick-a-pope.htm to play!
UPDATE: 19 April
Well, let this be a lesson to all you douchebags and nitwits to NEVER doubt the power of the Fez. Cardinal Ratzinger is now Pope Benedict XVI. As they said in Rome, Habemus Pappa.
In nomine Patri, et fili, et spiritu fezzi: Amen.
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