Why I'm Sith and Tired Of Star Wars
May 03 '05
The Bottom Line The saga ends May 19th. Thank God.
Almost upon us it is, as a certain green platitude-spouting CG sprite might say. Yes, on May 19th, the final chapter in George Lucas's series of Star Wars prequels will be unleashed. There is much about this to rejoice about, chiefly the fact that it will soon all be over. Already, grown men have been seen uncontrollably creaming themselves at the prospect of seeing Darth Vader back on the cinema screen, every cereal box in existence has a cutaway Obi-Wan mask on the back, there's a new Mr Potato Head called Darth Tater, and the McVader burger is surely soon to follow. I myself, whilst vaguely interested in seeing the new film, must say to George Lucas: Thanks for the ride, now f*ck off and leave us alone.
Seriously, am I the only person alive who is now heartily, thoroughly, head-thumpingly sick of everything affiliated with f*cking Star Wars? From the immature, puerile fan worship of podgy geeks like Kevin Smith to the endlessly recycled pop culture references scattered far and wide, if I was never to hear of anything to do with Star Wars again it would be far too soon. Wouldn't it be great if the closing frame of the new film was a giant scrolling yellow message reading, "NOW GO HOME AND GROW UP YOU SAD BASTARDS"?
That's the key phrase though, and the reason behind the success of the prequels: Growing up, or not, as the case may be. The sole reason these shockingly crap movies have been so eagerly anticipated and devoured has been for pure nostalgia for the eighties kids longing to see their childhood pals again. Thus far, we have had The Phantom Menace, which I personally thought wasn't that bad. There was a decent pod race thing, and the rather excellent Darth Maul and his funky double-bladed lightsaber, and it was entertaining enough, although fatally flawed. Darth Vader as an annoying blond haired child?? What made Lucas think anyone wanted to see that? But, look, there's Jabba the Hutt! And there's R2-D2! And there's the Emperor - with hair! And as a bonus, Natalie Portman in tight outfits! Yes, Lucas threw in just enough to keep any obsessive fan happy for months, with their illustrated guide to all the vehicle / ships in one hand and their dick in the other. Lucas was given the benefit of the doubt because it was, after all, a Star Wars film and surely they would get better?
Then disaster: Lucas cast an adolescent sprat lacking an ounce of acting ability as the teenaged Darth Vader, and anyone with any sense knew the game was up. Lucas had torpedoed his chance to make a series of films with any creative merit by casting Hayden Christensen, in the single greatest error of judgment since George W Bush's parents consummated their marriage. Attack Of The Clones was a dreadful mess, clogged to the gills with garish CGI, awful dialogue, and some of the most eye-poppingly laughable attempts at romance ever seen in a mainstream movie. But again, Lucas threw in enough tidbits to keep the fans wetting their seats: Yoda in a high-speed lightsaber duel, Boba Fett's dad, the original Skywalker farm sets ( Hey! Check out that roof! ) and the prototype stormtroopers.
Take away the various references to the earlier and far superior trilogy, and what are you left with? An appallingly misconcieved mish mash of vacuous philosophy, skull-scrapingly bad dialogue and rotten plotting ( taxation and trade routes? ). What do people talk about when mentioning the prequels? The romance between Anakin and Padme? The cool new characters like Count Dooku and Jar Jar? Do they bollocks. All they talk about are the re-appearances of Yoda, seeing Slave 1 again, and the various cameos of the original characters. Apparently, in the new movie we will see Chewbacca and the Millenium Falcon. Are there good artistic reasons for shoehorning them in, or could it be that Lucas has done it for the hell of it and thinks it'll shift a few more toys?
Lucas recently said: "I'm sure people want to see a movie about Darth Vader running around killing people, but I'm not interested in making that movie." Well, George, that's a pity, because that's a movie that might have been alot more fun than the crap you've shovelled at us so far. Nobody really gives a flying monkey's toss about what happens in these films - All people ever wanted to see was Darth Vader, and a few old favourites. And they'll get Vader - In the last five minutes. Has that been a good enough reason to make these prequels? A Yoda here, a Chewie there, whilst using a rudimentary excuse for a plot to prop up his "spot the bits from the good films" fest?
As you may have twigged by now, I think not. The trailer for Revenge Of The Sith looks like a typically indulgent, po-faced CGI apocalypse, although I hope to be pleasantly surprised. But the time has surely come to draw a line under all this Star Wars nonsense. The original films are great fun, I grant you, but any pleasure to be had in watching them has been rapidly diluted by the constant hype and kitsch pop-culture referencing. Any "hip" indie film intended for people aged between 20 and 35 must now legally have at least one scene where there is a discussion about Princess Leia's outfits, or what Jabba was smoking, or what a king crackhead the Emperor was ( see: Human Traffic, any Kevin Smith movie ), and it is getting increasingly stale. It must also be said that Lucas's continual faffing around with the original trilogy does him no favours despite what he might think - Greedo shooting first, a crap CG Jabba, adding effects here and there etc. They'll be back in cinemas soon, mark my words. A "special" special edition, perhaps. Can't wait, can you?
Enough, I say. If Revenge Of The Sith is good, then fair play, but please leave it at that. This ridiculously over-hyped phenomenon has run its course and has long outstayed its welcome.The main reason I'll be going to see the new film is to see with my own eyes that it's all over. And let's hear no more about it, OK George?
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Member: Steve
Location: England
Reviews written: 53
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