Why I'm Sith and Tired Of Star Wars May 03 '05 (Updated Sep 30 '11)    Write an essay on this topic. Tweet The Bottom Line The saga ends May 19th. Thank God. Almost upon us it is, as a certain green platitude-spouting CG sprite might say. Yes, on May 19th, the final chapter in George Lucas's series of Star Wars prequels will be unleashed. There is much about this to rejoice about, chiefly the fact that it will soon all be over. Already, grown men have been seen in uncontrollable fits at the prospect of seeing Darth Vader back on the cinema screen, every cereal box in existence has a cutaway Obi-Wan mask on the back, there's a new Mr Potato Head called Darth Tater, and the McVader burger is surely soon to follow. I myself must say to George Lucas: thanks for the ride, now f*ck off and leave us alone. Seriously, am I the only person alive who is now heartily, thoroughly, head-thumpingly sick of everything affiliated with Star Wars? From the immature, puerile fan worship of podgy geeks like Kevin Smith to the endlessly recycled pop culture references scattered far and wide, if I was never to hear of anything to do with Star Wars again it would be too soon. Wouldn't it be great if the closing frame of the new film was a giant scrolling yellow message reading, "NOW GO HOME AND GROW UP YOU SAD BASTARDS"? That's the key phrase though, and the reason behind the success of the prequels: growing up, or refusing to, as the case may be. The sole reason these shockingly crap prequel movies have been so eagerly anticipated and devoured has been the nostalgia factor for the 80's kids longing to see their childhood pals again. Thus far, we have had The Phantom Menace, which I personally thought wasn't that bad (although very far from being good). There was a decent pod race thing, and the rather cool Darth Maul and his funky double-bladed lightsaber, and it was entertaining enough. Fatally flawed, though. Darth Vader as a blond haired child? What made Lucas think anyone wanted to see that? But, look, there's Jabba the Hutt! And there's R2-D2! And there's the Emperor - with hair! And as a bonus, Natalie Portman in tight outfits! Yes, Lucas threw in just enough to keep any obsessive fan happy for months, with their illustrated guide to all the spaceships in one hand and their Yoda action figure in the other. Lucas was given the benefit of the doubt because it was, after all, a Star Wars film and surely they would get better? Wouldn't they? Then disaster. Lucas cast an adolescent sprat lacking an ounce of acting ability as the teenaged Darth Vader, and anyone with any sense knew the game was up. Lucas had torpedoed his chance to make a series of films with any creative merit by casting Hayden Christensen, in one of the single greatest errors committed by western society. And Attack Of The Clones was a horrible mess, clogged to the gills with garish CGI, awful dialogue, and some of the most eye-poppingly laughable attempts at romance ever seen in a mainstream movie. And there again, Lucas managed to throw in enough tidbits to keep the fans wetting their seats: Yoda in a high-speed lightsaber duel, Boba Fett's dad (?!), the original Skywalker farm sets, and the prototype stormtroopers. But take away the various references to the original and far superior trilogy, and what are you left with? Well, you have an appallingly misconcieved mish mash of vacuous philosophy, skull-scrapingly bad dialogue and rotten plotting (taxation and trade routes?). What do people discuss about the prequels? The romance between Anakin and Padme? The cool new characters like Count Dooku and Jar Jar? Do they buggery. All they talk about are the re-appearances of Yoda, seeing Slave 1 again, and the various cameos from the original characters.  Lucas recently said: "I'm sure people want to see a movie about Darth Vader running around killing people, but I'm not interested in making that movie." Well, George, that's a pity, because that's a movie that might have been alot more fun. Nobody really gives a flying monkey's toss about what happens in these films - all people ever wanted to see was Darth Vader, and a few old favourites. And they'll get Vader in the last five minutes. Has that been a good enough reason to make these prequels? A Yoda here, a Chewie there, whilst using a rudimentary excuse for a plot to prop up his "spot the bits from the good films" fest? As you may have twigged by now, I think not. The trailer for Revenge Of The Sith looks like a typically indulgent, po-faced CGI apocalypse, although I hope to be pleasantly surprised. But the time has surely come to draw a line under all this Star Wars nonsense. The original films are great fun, I grant you, but any pleasure to be had in watching them has been rapidly diluted by the constant hype and kitsch pop-culture referencing. Any "hip" indie film intended for people aged between 20 and 35 must now legally have at least one scene where there is a discussion about Princess Leia's outfits, or what Jabba was smoking, or what a king crackhead the Emperor was (see: Human Traffic, any Kevin Smith movie), and it is increasingly tiresome. It must also be said that Lucas's continual faffing around with the original trilogy does him no favours despite what he might think - Greedo shooting first, a crap CG Jabba, adding effects here and there etc. They'll be back in cinemas soon, mark my words. A "special" special edition, perhaps. Can't wait, can you? Enough, I say. If Revenge Of The Sith is good, then fair play, but please - no more. This ridiculously over-hyped phenomenon has run its course and long outstayed its welcome.The main reason I'll see the new film is to see with my own eyes that it's all over. And let's hear no more about it, OK George?

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