How I became an oily flatulent blob (true epinionators write-off)
May 12 '05
The Bottom Line Why be outside getting exercise and soaking up the rays when you can sit at your desk writing Epinions?
I used to play softball. I used to ride my horse. I used to cycle.
Now, I sit at my personal computer writing Epinions.
I used to have a girlfriend but I'd flirt with the waitress anyway.
Now, I lean into my monitor and soak up Love and Romance Fiction at Epinions.
I used to eat Sushi, salads with hearts of palm and blue cheese, and Tom Kha Gai. Now I eat Burger King and wipe the ketchup and grease off my keyboard with the wrapper from by half-eaten Whopper-with-cheese.
I'm not an addict. I could quit any time. But I do spend a lot of time reading and writing Epinions, and my life has changed because of it, so I might qualify as a true Epinionator. Let's see.
1. Have you ever purchased a product or service you did not need, just so you could review it?
No. I don't buy that much stuff anyway, except gas, food, horse stuff, and guitar strings. And gas.
Come to think of it, I did buy some guitar strings from Webstrings On-line knowing that I'd review the site.
But I wanted to try the site anyway.
2. Have you ever purchased a product or service you did not need or want, just because it has received a good rating on Epinions?
No. But I have actually occasionally used Epinions for its intended purpose knowing that a review could come out of my eventual purchase. When I needed new tires for my truck, and the Michelin all-whatever looked liked the best candidate, I did come home and read a bunch of reviews before making my final decision.
Within a week, I had I started a review of the tires (though I didn't publish until I'd had the tires for several months).
I also read another Musical Equipment Advisor's review of Webstrings before using the site.
3. Do you routinely go to the Epinions page before you take a shower or get dressed?
The only things I do before visiting the Epinions page are start my coffee and take a leak.
4. Do the number of alerts you get far outweigh the number of junkmail you have in your inbox? (If you don't know what alerts are, skip this question)
No. I have had my penis enlarged 27 times, refinanced my house 52 times, bought 201 about-to-explode penny stocks, and had 322 hot teens go wild on my computer screen. Plus I'm currently conducting business with 14 different African business men who needed my assistance in gaining access to large sums of money stored in various Swiss banks. Poor guys all lost relatives recently. Figured I had to help them out.
5. Have you ever cancelled or postponed an important appointment because you weren't done reading or rating?
I have been late to work because I just had to add a comment or put the finishing touches on this or that review. I blame it on traffic.
6. Do you feel guilty if you write less than 2 reviews per day?
I would feel guilty if I DID write two reviews in one day. That might be seen as a sign of addiction. But I generally do at least a bit of editing or writing every day.
7. Have you ever considered taking out an Equity loan on future Income Share?
Because of my dealings with the African business men, I will never need a loan again.
However, I do sometimes calculate how many meals, packs of gum, sets of guitars strings, or years living in a third world country that my Income Share would pay for in a given month.
8. Have you ever shared private experiences with the Epinions community before you shared them with your spouse?
Greg Brown sings, "Strangers know no shame." Readers of my Epinions know more about my trials and tribulations at work than most of my friends do.
Now that I think about it, they probably know more about my life-changing personal experiences than most of my friends do as well. I tend to get a bit carried away in those "getting to know you" write-offs. Remember the one about the nympho Jesus-freak gal? I'll never forget her.
9. Have you ever replaced the words "let me talk to your manager" with "I will give you a bad review on Epinions?"
No. But but any time someone treats me badly at a store or my phone service takes weeks to be installed or my taco tastes like dog, I'm searching the environment for subtleties that will make my scathing review more interesting. Qwest phone service anyone?
10. Have you ever spent more money on a product, because the cheaper version has already been reviewed?
No. Hardly anybody is nuts enough to review the stuff I review anyway. And the cheaper version of a certain guitar is another guitar. Same with stereo stuff. Hell, I'll review 'em both.
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You know, I think I've gotten away too easy with these questions. None of my answers can explain the gradual metamorphosis from lithe 175 lb athlete with good pheromones and a nice complexion into 310 pound blob with a bad attitude and chronic flatulence. I gotta make up a couple of my own.
11. Have you ever ruined a perfectly good day or evening by thinking about what you're going to write at Epinions, rather than just enjoying your baseball game, amusement park, brothel, or restaurant experience?
Hell yes! For a couple of years, it seemed like my whole life was a potential Epinions review. I still think that way when I play a guitar I've never played before.
11a. Have you ever carried around a pen and small piece of paper to a business establishment so you could jot down details that you might not otherwise remember?
Uh huh.
12. Have you ever had your ego so wrapped up in this site that you were vaguely hurt when so-and-so didn't rate a particular piece or add you to their WOT, sort of like how you felt when Judy/Gabe didn't invite you to that 8th Grade bash?
I plead the Fifth.
13. Have you stopped or delayed going outside on a beautiful day so you could finish up that Really Important Review of a toaster or vacuum cleaner while your body gradually morphed from a lithe athletic machine into a glistening gaseous sphere, your once-clear pores clogged with festering pimples and boils, your flaming hemorrhoids throbbing as uncontrollable gaseous emissions oozed forth forming a great billowing fetid cloud causing your neighbors to flee in radial-symmetrical terror as you sat writing, your bulbous buttocks sagging over the edge of your chair like a Burger King Whopper sliding on a sea of grease over the edge of its bun?
Um, I guess I qualify.
Horswispr before Epinions:
http://image18.webshots.com/19/5/51/14/215455114BsTbTb_ph.jpg
Horswispr finishing up latest guitar review:
http://www.musakickball.com/images/Webmaster_Fat_Ass_01.jpg
For the details about Germank106's write-off, visit:
http://www.epinions.com/content_4335706244
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