Drillbit Taylor (2008) Directed by Steven Brill

“Now in addition to the Chinese Kung Fu we've got a little Mexican Judo, as in 'Judon't know who you messin' with, homz.” Drillbit Taylor.

Two friends, Wade and Ryan are moving from Junior High to Senior High and are more than a bit worried about where they are going to fall in the pecking order. Heck, they are obsessing.

Wade is a bean pole, with glasses and a Jock Stepfather and his twin jockling spawn. Ryan is fat, with an overly indulgent single mom. They are both worried that they won’t make a good impression, and will be picked on as a result. They are right.

Disaster strikes in identical shirts from Hot Topic. And sure enough, they look exactly like what they are; two geeks trying way too hard. There is blood in the water, and the sharks are circling.

The biggest shark is Filkins, and his inevitable sidekick, Ronnie. They are merciless. They stuff both boys into Ryan’s shirt, and dubs them “Siamese Queers”. Then, when they are picking on another kid, Wade tries to intervene. As anyone who attended High School knows, the only people who can intervene in hazing are people higher on the social ladder and really hot girls (who tend to rank high up the ladder anyway.) Wade and Ryan join Emmett in the lockers.

Another side effect is now Emmett is now totally devoted to them. The last thing these boys needed to raise their cool quotient is an extremely short and spastic hyper kid tagging along.

And if Filkins was bad before, they are horrible now. He and Ronnie wait until the boys are at the urinals, then turn them to face each other in midflow. There are a lot of other things, but I think you get the idea….

So they report him. I can hear you collectively wincing out there. Yeah, it is that bad. Filkins of course is sincere and warm and concerned, and the idiot principle of course does nothing, because this is just boys being boys.

And if Filkins was bad before, he is dedicated now. They have pulled the trifecta of geek no-nos. They are geeks, they tried to interfere in an abuse, and they told. Filkins is now dedicated to making their lives hell.

So what are three geeks to do? Wade talks to his step dad, but in school, HE was the bully, and he is of the opinion that he HELPED that kid, that he prepared him for the harsh realities of life.

So they guys hit on a plan; they are going to hire a bodyguard. They pool their money, and put out an add.

The collection of whack jobs who show up for the job is hilarious. By far, the best is Actor Adam Baldwin who proclaims this the stupidest idea he has ever heard. Adam’s first role was as a bodyguard hired by Chris Makepeace in the 1980 classic, “My Bodyguard.” He wore the same clothes.

But none of the would be bodyguards would take the case for the money available ($83). Except one. Drillbit Taylor.

Drillbit tells them he is a special forces veteran and black ops fighter. In point of fact, he is homeless.

Now, he tells the kids he needs supplies. Basically, he loots their houses while they watch. He need $387 dollars to relocate to Canada (?because Canada’s climate is so much better for the homeless?). And this job has moved him very close to his goal.

But his friend encourages him to milk the kids for more. And he does. Of course, that means making them think he is a bodyguard.

Well, you can imagine how this works. Owen Wilson is busy being Owen Wilson. It’s a lot like a lot of his movies; particularly Shanghai Noon and Shanghai Knights. He give the boy’s “training” to help them stand up to the bully.

Drillbit: You'd be surprised, anything can be turned into a weapon of mayhem or destruction.
Emmett: Even a puppy?
Drillbit: Especially a puppy. The Germans used em' in World War I. De Hundin Schtorman, Lightning Dog. They'd attach dynamite to them, Rommel did it, jerry bastard...

Drillbit decides to penetrate the school. He cleans up (the kid’s idea) and is mistaken for a substitute teacher. His alias? Dr. Illbit.

There he meets an English Teacher, Barbara. She finds him irresistible. He finds her, well, a woman, which is about the same thing.

Meanwhile, Filkins continues to be a problem. But Drillbit actually proves of use, using a combination of techniques to protect his charges which include walky talky wielding look out, using his position as a sub to keep Filkins in line, and setting off the sprinkler system.

Still, they are avoiding the problem, not fixing it.

Drillbit tells them to find a common ground with Filkins. Ryan, who is a round little rapper, steps up to the mike while Filkins is holding forth, and serves him up a rap whup@$$. Needless to say, it riles Filkins up, but also has the effect of making Ryan a bit cooler. It certainly helps his ego.

While all this is going on, Drillbit’s bum friends are applying pressure to him to rob the kids, but Drillbit resists, putting them off. He continues seeing Barbara. And he continues not solving the problem of Filkins.

Then two things happen. One, Ronnie sees Drillbit showering fully nude at the beach shower, and learns from his mom that he is homeless. And two, his homeless friends rob Wade’s house.

In what is seems absolutely insane, but is right on point, the boys are called on the carpet for hiring a bodyguard, and Filkins is made to be the victim.

It’s all coming unraveled…can Drillbit salvage anything from this fiasco?

The Cast
Owen Wilson….Drillbit Taylor
Nate Hartley……Wade
Troy Gentile…….Ryan
David Dorfman….Emmit
Alex Frost……….Filkins
Josh Peck………..Ronnie
Beth Littleford…..Barbara
Stephan Root…….Principle Doppler.
This is a neat little comedy. I was very impressed with the geek squad; these young boys are excellent actors, and I can see good things for them in the future, especially Nate Hartley. Also, Alex Frost turned in a great performance as the bully, Filkins. His subtle communication with the kids by glance alone was brilliant. I guarantee, you will hate him.

And as always, Owen Wilson shines. This kind of movie is the thing he does best. He knows it, and milks it for everything it is worth.

This is a very funny movie. It is very Owen Wilson; well suited to his style and talents. I just wish I had enjoyed it more.

The thing that I hope people take from this is the damage that bullies do. And while this movie has the Happy Ending, I did like it that it did not pull any punches on how easily these situations get out of control. Part of the problem that the boys have is that adults are unwilling to get involved; Social hierarchy issues are not something you can protect your child from; they have to sort that sort of thing out for themselves. But bullies are not about the social hierarchy; they are emotional sadists. And all too often they evade any sort of check or balance. The harm they do to is incalculable.

Believe me, I know. I was the smallest kid in my class, the smartest, and gay. I understand bullies.

To wax autobiographical, when I was in fifth grade, we had just moved and I learned about grading on the curve. I always busted the curve, and there were several boys who wanted to discuss this with me.

It is not in me to do less than my best, and because of that, I got regular beatings. I told. Several times. And nothing was done.

Then one day, on my way home, I was blindsided and tackled. My hand fell on a flowerbed border, and I came up with half a brick in my hand. It was the first time I ever won a fight.

The next morning I was in the principle’s office, to deal “with this very serious matter.” The idiot principle thought he could threaten me with calling my mother. I insisted.

My mom came quietly into the office, and he explained that I had hit three boys with a brick. (I had tried for all four, but one of them was fast.) He explained that I was looking at expulsion. He thought he had my mother cowed. Then she unloaded.

She had talked to him on no less than five occasions (I had never known that) about my safety. If he thought he was expelling me, he would have a lawsuit on his hands, and to make her position perfectly clear she turned to the kids and said. “Tomorrow, when I pack Mark’s lunch, the first thing I am putting in it is half a brick.”

And she did. I love my mother.

This movie was hard for me in some ways. I thought I was long removed from that little fifth grader, but apparently not. I wish this movie had a more focused message about bullies and the harm they do, but it doesn’t. Instead, it goes for the comedy.

And that is cool; it is a comedy, not an after school special. But they had a chance and let it go.

Recommended:
Yes

Viewing Format: DVD
Video Occasion: Fit for Friday Evening
Suitability For Children: Suitable for Children Age 13 and Older