|
|
Think You're A Speed Demon? Look Like A Retarded Tortoise To Me (Review On Speeddemon531)Jun 05 '05 Write an essay on this topic.
Popular Products in Books
The Bottom Line Yes, I am reviewing Speeddemon531. So what?!
"Michael Heyliger the traveling vaudeville villain / Who don't give a flying (censored) who a-not feelin' him" What'chu really think you know about Michael Heyliger, the MF Doom of this mother(censored) Epinions (censored)? All you know is he's the dopest writer of the cheesiest mother(censored) music made in this God (censored) country, and all you know besides that is that you don't know (censored) about him. But I do, 'cause we're peeps like that. So listen up. "Tug my horse, he said broads call me 'Speedy' / I make sure I throws 'em back if they're too scrawny" Off top, Mike's a 29 year old eligible bachelor from Brooklyn, New York, where he practices the art of interviewing for jobs. But it's not like dude can't get a job. No. He's just chilling on some fat-(censored) severance pay, asking relevant questions like, "why the hell should I work when I don't really need to?" His between-job duties include getting laid, watching Chappelle's Show Season Two, watching the NBA Playoffs, and not too much outside of that. If we were to rate the guy on conservation of energy alone, he may be the greatest single living entity on the face of the planet. And he's getting paid, (censored). Mike is also living proof that going to college doesn't make you smarter. Why? Because he didn't go to college. And he's smarter than you. Even if you went to college. Foo'. Beyond everything, Mike's a self-sufficient New Yorker with a (censored)-up attitude who will turn your husband into his wifey like his (censored) is a magic wand. He walks the streets of Brooklyn like his gat is fully loaded and he won't hesitate to bust on crews who come at him sideways. You can't beat him, and you damn sure can't join him, so move the (censored) out of the way or get played. "His own biggest fan / And got a fanbase as big as Japan" Let's not get it confused, though, Mike Heyliger is as perfect as Ben Wallace's crossover dribble. Off top, he hates on me because I'm beautiful. We hang out, and he looks at me funny when I get up in the morning (afternoon) and take a shower and fix myself up all proper. I get called a metrosexual because of this behavior. This, of course, explains why he smells funny. This plays into the fact that Mike Heyliger is desperately scared of being perceived as anything but a straight-shooting man's man, let alone a metrosexual or homosexual. Or as he might say when he's crabby, a (censored). Which doesn't explain at all why he owns an Abba greatest hits album or just reviewed a bad Paula Abdul album. Hell, the only time he lets his true being (in this regard) out is when he's melting around my father. Make of that what you will. But hey, he's not afraid to (censored) with me in the room. Umm, yeah, make of that what you will, too. And he wonders why I hit the bottle now and then. Speaking of which, let's not forget that this guy can't hold his liquor either. We went shot for shot on some Gold Rush (a fifth, thank you very much), and who was the last man standing? Well, that'd have to be me, because if I wasn't standing, who'd be holding his (censored) head steady as he vomitted into Lori's toilet? Let's not forget the dude is about as tall as a WNBA point guard. He should change his Epinions handle from Speeddemon531 to SpeedyGonzales. Except he's only fast when the Brooklyn crackheads are chasing him down the block. Well, that's good enough. "Mike brung that bum / There goes that news van again / Act like you knew like Tucan Sam and them / He eats Epinionators like part of a complete breakfast" At the very least, you can see that Mike and I are compatible in the areas of sarcasm and vicious humor. That's because we're both (censored)holes. We're also compatible in the areas of (censored)-talking, laziness, NBA obsessesion, sex-craving, emotional issues, and high use of coarse language. You know, words like (censored), (censored), and my personal favorite, (censored). So what do you say about this Rick James wannabe, poor Dave Chappelle quoter, non-working mother(censored)? He's a damn good friend. Just don't tell him I said that. He might kick me out of his "Boys Only" club. Damn. That's not quite how that was supposed to come out. FINAL RATING ON MICHAEL HEYLIGER: 5 STARS Read his views on me in, Fry Me Some Bacon, B!tch!!! (My Thoughts On Crypticcradle). * * * * * * * * * * For more information about Cryptic Cradle and his reviews, please click here. * * * * * * * * * * This has been a Cryptic Cradle Production.  |
| Read all comments (10)|Write your own comment |
