Naruto consists of 220 episodes


It is very unsettling when I watch Naruto. Malignant lumps in my heart morph in size every time I hear someone insolently bestow themselves with this dignified appellation. They mindlessly call themselves ninjas, repeatedly without any offense. They exploit and tear down the scroll of classic Japanese Chambara history, take a crayon and scribble unrecognizable graffiti all over it. There is no respect, no unity, just the appalling manipulations and laughable justifications of an illegible fairy tale that manages to command and dictate an easy and even more stupid audience. And my wasted dream was to become an anime writer….maybe I can learn some dirty dealings by looking under Kishimoto’s (the author) long and superfluous sleeve.



This is something you need to know about Naruto before you indulge yourself into its nightmarish fandom.


Naruto isn’t an anime about ninjas. There are no ninjas in this anime even though every single character swears to the holy book of the Hokage that they are. No one in here even comes close to what these mystical warriors resemble. The villains, a collection of exotic exiles called the Akatsuki, are actually more ninja-like than any of the protagonists. But that’s only because they tend to stay in and under the shadows, trying to look menacing while poking needles into their syphilis infected eyeballs. Naruto himself is a kid who has absolutely no direction, obviously diagnosed with a morose case of impulsive behavior syndrome when young, he neglectfully nags and loiters at a local Soba, eating the same starched ramen for all his meals, and enjoys every damn minute of his meaningless existence. Of course, at the same time, mouthing off to the nearest eardrum of how he is going to excel at being the best ninja ever lived. Somewhere along his daily rants, he learns to be a student under his first master Kakashi, and adapts some of these so-called “ninja” skills such as duplicating multiple bodies, spinning shurikens faster, unlocking internal monsters, and lastly, becoming the arrogant nuisance that radiates annoyance like no other. Discipline is truly a burden, like a boulder that grew on the shoulders of the weak. Naruto, on the contrary, is able to elude this grasp of willpower completely. He does not walk with a hunch; he skitters and hops across the challenging cavern effortlessly with a spangled-smile that badges onto his face. Discipline and experience is overrated. Sweat is only there to tell you that you are fatigued and tired, not because you have aspirations to be something great.



This form of insult-provoking, mentally-diminishing, attention-whoring spawn that amassed from the cesspool of putridity could very well be a direct and failed attempt at caricature. Now that I put forth deep contemplation, Naruto is one of the few “ninjas” with Blond hair, wearing an edgy and audacious orange jumpsuit, he will scream at any tangible object to get noticed, his shameful mouth is incapable of being silent, and his withering mind is just an unused wooden box rotting away in his nerve-wracking head. I really love this kind of implied racism. It makes this review fun, I can definitely enjoy writing it with strokes of cynicism that pokes out like the middle index of my right hand after I spit on it. The truth is that I really don’t like Naruto, the overrated anime as well as parts of the manga. Especially the anime, because it teaches me the ways of being a complete and lazy douchebag, and that it will actually get me somewhere in Life if I just let myself get serious for that little while when everything is going to sh*t. After the fire is extinguished, then I can go back and resume my faltering ways of living as a human being. This is Naruto’s entire unbroken and uncut philosophy abridged into mere mocking sentences. Personally, I don’t even see Naruto as a decent person, I see him as something less, an abysmal monster who craves an obsession that can only be seen as absurd. This is a huge problem in itself.



Naruto relies and harnesses on intense loathing; the wintry scars that delicately rips like an iron falcate into his cheeks is his own horror and abomination pleading out into the World. There is convincing talent here, and extreme possibilities that proves to elongate and enlarge the principles of this character’s development. From this concrete foundation, one can lead the masses through a maturing process, or one can cater to the overly-populous fanatics of anime fans who would rather have adorable pretty boys reciting haikus while getting blazed on lotus petals. The author of Naruto, Masashi Kishimoto, is really a decisive mastermind. This conniving thief, teases and tantalizes me with an acute and impressionable story that waits for you to approach, and then intentionally brushes by your fingertips as you reach out. Naruto is the most frustrating anime I have ever seen, and Kishimoto happily wipes our faces with his rectum-infested cartoonish sequences. Need I remind you, I want to see an anime, not a dreadfully-drawn “cartoon” dammit.


I can detect Kishimoto’s puppetry of nonsensical gadgets spinning and whizzing out like loose membranes detaching from common sense, flailing about in the open. Kishimoto did us all wrong, I can affirm that. His unfaithful unity and his superficial awareness of control within certain inhibitions of a story are painfully exposed. The structure is too open, like a wild boar with no conscience, there is no leash rigid enough to hold it back; the recycled drafts are all over the place. It’s easy to tell, when Kishimoto’s pen stumbled across the paper in trying to create the most basic shonen anime character, but he also botches over his own words in creating a stereotype as well, and this is outright embarrassing. I know I’m inches away from the jugular here, but I still want to give this a chance. I don’t want to go forth and state that Naruto is a complete failure, but I will say that it is a goddamn mess of epic proportions.

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Naruto is an almost eccentric and notorious travesty of all typical anime heroes; he is depicted only in extremes, as a rabid addict that will violently attach to any minimal or inconsequential outcome. He aches of poisonous molds, and like a blister on your skin, it’s only a matter of time before he really get into your nerves. Trust me, the more you watch the series, the more you will despise him with all the mental strength one can muster before it turns into full-fledged hatred. Kishimoto might be a devious con-artist who reaps benefits from the accomplishments from previous originators. That’s fine, everyone needs to be influenced, even if it comes from something as lame as freaking Dragonball Z or Inuyasha. But his sole glittering mistake is making Naruto into the most irritating brat in history. Never have I experienced a protagonist with such a degree of naïve vileness and misunderstanding of human relations. This guy is a true headcase, a loser who happened to blindly walk into the field of dreams and prospered. From the start of the series to now, he has already become one of the most powerful ninjas in this anime, and I sure as hell don’t know how he did it. The training scenes were scarce enough, and it seriously aggravates me to no end every time I see Naruto defeating an adversary who is far superior in every facet of “ninjitsu”. It’s by default that you will root against him in every match, because if this anime had any balls hanging from its midsection, Naruto, and many others, would be carving their own graves with their fingernails by episode 60. I just can’t stand this inglorious bastard, and it’s no surprise that the episodes without Naruto are much better than the episodes with him in it. Junko Takeuchi, the voice actor for the character, does an exceedingly well job in grating the vocal cords, stroking against the larynx, wailing as if his scrotums are set on fire in a frying pan. Well, I have to say, the less, the better.



In the sardonic monologues of meaningless chatter there is a golden echo, and in the shroud of weakened debris there is a trace of sentimental remnants. In the legendary tales of Naruto, there is an actual f*cking story, believe it or not. You can watch the anime for yourself and find out what it exactly amounts to. It’s quite mythical, and I’m not going to explain it, because just like the animation, the directing, and the script, it’s not wise wasting words over, unless you want to hear another paragraph of inane rants. Naruto the anime is a long and self-indulging vagina with absolutely no end in sight. In around episode 75, the main plot slowly debuts through the water. The antagonists, the Akatsuki, strolls into the Leaf Village where Naruto and his friends reside, and attempts to kidnap Naruto because within his body rests a nine-tailed demon fox (just f*cking great isn’t it), this unintentionally convokes Naruto’s teacher Kakashi, who goes to prevent the Akatsuki from entering. An extremely powerful and unforgettable moment ensues when Itachi, a member of the Akatsuki, literally eye-f*cks Kakashi with a hallucination technique, nails him to a cross, and proceeds to stab him for two straight days without stopping. This was the first time that friction occurred between my eyes and the screen, and thinking that every subsequent episode was possessed with this sort of drama and fury, I endured the grueling massacre, and I now regret the decision. Being an inexperienced anime celibate that I was then, the realities of budget cuts were obviously lost on deaf ears.



This won’t stop Naruto, it will still blare with a boisterous voice on many channels, and it will torment like a gossipy sister soliciting for mild attention. The plot is still discomforting, it circles like a vulture slowly flying above, hesitant to strike down. It unfolds like an orchid blooming, but when it blossoms you find out it is only the first layer of many. The most bothering aspect of Naruto is that it requires heavy concentration to detail when its own presentation is severely devoid of any engrossing technicalities or themes. Being absentminded will cost you here, because when you get to the sequel Naruto Shippuden, the plot evolves into a discombobulating and depressing history lesson. At this point, the lone backbone that still stands firm is the supporting cast. Attractive protagonists such as Sasuke the stoic prince (plus the only one who have enough sense to tell Naruto to f*ck off), Gaara the freak of the desert, Itachi the eyes of evil, Pein the pierced soul eater, are easily much better characters than Naruto himself. I really can’t compute how it has come to this, where the only good chapters in Naruto are the ones with him completely absent.



Sadly, it has come to this, but fear not, because it matters not. I will still be watching it, reading it, dissecting it knowing that it’s nothing but a temporary rush of feigned adrenaline. Kishimoto will still be scribbling images of nothingness for weeks to come, he will get our money, become greedier and richer while laughing in our grill, behind our backs, and beneath our crotches. But it doesn’t matter, I can one day look back and maybe admit that, hey, it’s at least better than Dragon Ball....


We got played, and we got fooled, but it’s too late to turn back.


Recommended: No

Viewing Format: DVD
Suitability For Children: Suitable for Children Age 9 - 12