For a few years, it seemed Prince may just be trying to regain his former status as the baddest mofo on the planet. His album MUSICOLOGY earned a few Grammies, the next album 3121 was as close to perfect as he’s released in over a decade, and things seemed to be looking up. In May of 2007 the first single off his new album was promoted on a Verizon Wireless TV ad and I was excited to hear him sing, “I love you, baby, but not like I love my guitar!” You tell her man, Dobros before ho’s!!!

Then in July, the album was released to an anxious fan base, me included.

WHAT THE FK???

First off, before we even get to the music, I need to say a few things about the packaging. PLANET EARTH is released in a digipak with a hologram cover and no track list. The only printing on the package, aside from credits, invites fans to “Visit www.3121.com 2 enhance ur Planet Earth xperience.” Hey, I got an idea, how bout stop being a pretentious prck and just tell us what songs are on the CD. I’m not asking for lyrics or photos or anything else, just tell us the names of the songs. Even in 2007, when PLANET EARTH was released, not everyone has a computer or the internet. So stop wasting money on fancy covers and just print the song titles.

Anyway.

You know, I may have even been able to overlook this very rude detail if the music had made up for it, but in my opinion this album could have been 2 songs long, a single featuring “Guitar” as the A-side, and “Chelsea Rodgers” on the B-side and that would have been that. Seriously, this is the worst Prince album I’ve ever heard, and we’re not just talking imperfect work like “Strollin’” on DIAMONDS PEARLS or “Solo” on COME, we’re talking complete sht. Who in the hell wrote these lyrics for him?

"None of them got what it takes, 2 b a future baby mama
Gotta bend in the wind but don't break, 2 keep yo man
Show me one of them and I'll make her mine with no more drama
Future baby mama"

Or

"A massive circle of jealousy
Is coming round again
Those prickly fingered scallywags
That masquerade as friends"

And the worst of the bunch

"Now I don't wanna put to U 2 sleep with a bunch of chatter
And a rap that really don't matter
But now that U know who I am U need 2 make plans
And all Ur other pennies should scatter

A limousine about 2 pick U up
And then take U 2 a private jet
And then U gonna meet a little Spanish man
Who will offer U wine or Moet

In an hour or 2, U'll be taken to a suite
That will rival Ur wildest dreams
And on the bed 3 dresses 2 choose 1, pick 1
Then U get a call from me

Tell me which dress U chose
So I can put on, put on my matching suit"

What? Erotic City, dammit. Housequake. Even Endorphinemachine for God’s sake. What is this nonsense??? I thought Prince was done rapping when Tony M got the boot!?!

And I don’t care WHO you are, no song should ever contain these lyrics:

"And if ur heartbeat goes up a notch or 2
There ain't no telling what I might do
I got a mind full of good intentions
And a mouth full of raisinets"

Thanks for the visual.

Musically, this is the dullest Prince album ever as well. The aforementioned “Guitar” and “Chelsea Rodgers” aside, PLANET EARTH could be used as a sleep aid. Anyone who can make it through the sluggish ballad “Somewhere Here on Earth” without nodding off is made of stronger stuff than I am.

Thematically, I have no idea what Prince is going for with this record. “Planet Earth” is the “take care of the world cuz it’s the only one we got” song while “Resolution” is the requisite anti-war song that baffles the hell out of me; the tone of the lyrics are somber as hell, talking about how people are, in general, hypocritical and hateful and war is pointless, but the music sounds like I should be watching the intro to a kid’s show, with puppets and dancing rainbows. I don’t get this song at all. Of the 10 songs on PLANET EARTH, 6 are love songs, and whereas Prince has always been THE man when it came to love songs (“The Beautiful Ones”, “When Doves Cry”, “Slow Love”, “International Lover”), this collection comes from a man who’s going through the motions but feels not one ounce of passion for anything at the moment.

"U don't need 2 fix ur hair
4 somebody U don't care 4
U don't need 2 shave Ur legs
If it ain't me that's knocking at Ur door
I know U ain't a concubine
I know U ain't a 1 nite stand
I don't wanna waste Ur time
If U wanna get creamy
I'm the one U wanna C"

Wanna bet?

Good God, I have no idea what he was thinking with this record, but I have to believe it was something along the lines of “I have these two really great songs I need to release to the world, but no album to back them up, lemme see what I’ve got in the bottom of my desk drawer here that I haven’t released yet.” This is not a Prince album. PLANET EARTH is, at best, one man’s attempt to keep his name in the public eye after a sudden rise of interest in him once again while he secretly works on the next masterpiece. PLANET EARTH is an embarrassment. Those 5 steps he took forward with MUSICOLOGY and 3121? He just 8 steps back with this record.