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Little Aliens That Feed Off Of Our WomenJul 19 '05 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line It's about time you heard the truth, don't you think?
Little aliens, indeed. I'm convinced, by now, that babies should not be considered of the genus/species Homo sapiens. Humans are parasitic by nature, but this classification normally manifests itself in the figurative as opposed to the literal. Babies are quite literally parasites. Without their host, they wither up and die like malnourished cucumbers. In light of these circumstances and despite scientific evidence that suggests otherwise, I have officially come to the conclusion that babies are vicious, mammary gland-sucking extraterrestrial beings. They are neither cute nor cuddly and should not be trusted around household pets or potentially explosive chemicals. They are aliens who have implanted themselves in human hosts, selected based on the health of their placentas and the suppleness of their breasts. Scratch that. My last experiment actually proved beyond any shadow of any doubt that a woman's breasts swell during "pregnancy" because of a drug injected into the host body by the gestating "fetus." This drug, of which I have neglected to notify the scientific community, causes the mammary glands to produce what we commonly refer to as breastmilk. This "milk" is actually a prevalent substance on the aliens' home planet upon which they are almost completely reliant--in other words, synonymous to our dependence on water. The thought of a woman naturally producing milk is preposterous from the beginning, and if there is one point on which the scientific community and I agree, it is that breasts are often confused as parts of the human reproductive system. Recent studies have proven that breasts are gifts created specifically for a man's pleasure by the Matel corporation. As of now, I have not yet determined whether or not these aliens do indeed come from the same home planet, but they are certainly all of the same race. My best guess is that these devilish little imps from outer space have probably been doing this for years, implanting themselves in females of the species on at least six other planets in as many galaxies. Their origin, to the best of my knowledge, is somewhere in Rigel's solar system, but babies do bear a striking resemblance to beings from the Cloud of Magellan and even the strange hyperthermal inhabitants of Castor. I have performed autopsies on all of these creatures. You may read of my published scientific findings in almost any medical journal ever issued including The North Star Gazette, The Twice Daily Mirror, and The Lower East Side Corner Drugstore Auto Traders' Guide. But what of a solution? As of yet, scientists have been slow to respond to the ever-rising threat of a full-scale baby invasion, and I'm all out of ideas. My only thought is that if we can somehow lure their entire population into a large pit, we could theoretically have a massive luau in honor of the Maes Gros alien race, which is responsible for first populating earth with amphibious life. They would eventually return millennia later to erect the pyramids and even later to usher in the Disco era. The latter act is not appreciated by this scientific guru. At any rate, I am starting an official contest to solve what will henceforth be referred to as the Rise of Those Globe-Eyed Parasitic Little Freaks. Any input will be much appreciated, and I will be expecting you, the Epinions members of the world, to be my primary source of inspiration regarding the problem. Get those fingers typing. Until then, remember to keep your eyes on your lady's tummy, and be sure to report any abdominal swelling to my 24-hour hotline (1-900-T-I-T-S-R-G-I-F-T-S). Operators will be standing by. Special Endorsement from King Pharmacist: Be sure to dial extension 80085 if you wish to make a donation to the National Endowment for the Breast. Thank you.  |
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