Star Chores - Part 1
Jul 24 '05 (Updated Apr 20 '06)
The Bottom Line Star Wars is disgracefully satirised in this appalling story I would recommend everyone avoids.
Star Chores
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An epic tale of the struggle between good and evil, how to use the force, be a Jedi Knight, save the universe (or at least the galaxy), and still keep up with your laundry and housework.
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Part 1 (Episode 4) - A New Hopeful Thingy
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“Luke? Luke?”
Luke muttered under his breath. The old bat was after him again. Resignedly he looked up and answered: “Yeah, all right, I’m coming. Just seeing to these two droids here.” He gazed at the little round droid who kept fidgeting as if he wanted to go to the toilet, but Luke knew that robots didn’t need to do this, though he wished C3PO would so that he could lock the door after it and never see the creepily camp golden android again.
He saw his Aunt running towards him, flapping her arms again in that most annoying way of hers. This was the moment, he decided. Break for freedom now, or be forever enslaved…
“I’m going to the mall with my friends, Aunt Agatha.”
He felt tall and brave and strong, like the Jedi Knights of old, like the fearless heroes of ancient legend.
“No you’re not you ugly twit, firstly we don’t have a mall on this poor excuse for a planet, we have extra moons and suns and things that look cool but what actual use are they? Secondly, you don’t have any friends, so who’re you going to go with? Thirdly, evil nasty ugly sand people are out there, and you’re too weedy to stand up to them. Finally, you can’t go because you have chores to do. So there.”
‘I bet Bob never had this sort of treatment…’ thought Luke glumly as he mopped the floor for the umpteenth time. A noise outside distracted him, and he saw in the distance the very man he’d just been thinking about. Known locally as Bob, he had once been called “Obi-Wan”.
Obi-Wan had always been a bit of a mystery, but he seemed fairly happy and that made him a hero as far as Luke was concerned. His Aunt came back to nag him about something but turned and smiled to Obi-Wan as he came through the door.
“What is the meaning of this, Agatha?”
“Um… well, you see, Luke was just doing some chores and doing a terrible job at that, so I’d come to… erm… encourage him to work harder. Work harder,” she snapped at Luke, “or I’ll force you to dance with C3PO again!”
Luke began to mop furiously, but Bob was having none of it. “Stop, boy! Agatha, this is not the boy you’re looking for!” he said impressively, waving his hand across the front of her eyes, which glazed over for a moment.
”This is not the boy I’m look…” … “What on earth are you talking about, you big dope?!?”
“Um…” said Bob, looking at his feet. This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. Luke was looking dismayed; his hero had just fallen.
“Look,” said Agatha, “I’m not feeble or weak-minded, you know, I’m just a mean-spirited, senile old bat! Your Jedi Mind Trick won’t work on me!”
“No,” said Obi-Wan in barely more than a whisper, “but this will!” He took out his lightsaber and slowly, gently, lopped her head off. It still scowled at him as it bounced down the stairs.
“WOW!” said Luke, “that was really cool! Like, rad, man! Again, again!!” He was practically clapping his hands together and skipping with glee.
Bob raised an eyebrow. “Be not so quick to misuse your powers, young Whystalker. Anger leads to fear; fear leads suffering; suffering leads to lots of people going ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch”. He shook he head gravely. “Do not underestimate the power of the Dark Side of the Force. Look at your feelings, Luke…”
Luke looked at his feelings. They were jumping up and down, clapping their hands and smiling. They looked a lot like Emoticons. “Yeah, like I said, that was really cool! Can we sort out my uncle now, he’s been a real pain in the neck for ages.”
Obi-Wan sighed. Yoda had warned him this might happen. “He is too young,” he’d said. “He has no patience,” he’d said. “He’s just a damned fool,” he’d said.
Yes, Yoda was wise. But there was no getting away from the fact that he was also a wrinkly, cranky, short, green thing with no hair to speak of who hadn't had a proper date for over 5 centuries. No wonder the Jedi were a dying breed...
TO BE CONTINUED…
Star Chores Part 2
Star Chores Part 3
Star Chores Part 4
Star Wars Reviews…
Films
Star Wars Episode III – Revenge of the Sith
Computer Games:
Jedi Academy from the Jedi Knights series, published by LucasArts.
Knights of the Old Republic, also by LucasArts, the first real attempt at a Star Wars RPG.
Freeware Star Wars Games
Battle for Endor
Battle of Yavin
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