Unbiased Reviews by Real People
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Unbiased Reviews by Real People
Star Chores - Part 2Jul 30, 2005 (Updated Apr 20, 2006) Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Part 2 is even worse than Part 1, and that's saying something.
Star Chores Part Two (Episode 16) - Return of the Disgracefully Blatant Corporate Advertising Methods “Hey, cool music!” said Luke as they entered the notorious cantina, “The Hairless Wookie”. It went like this: Da de da de Da de da de de Da da da da Dar dar Da de da de Da da da da de Da da da da Da de de de de Obi Wan looked at him witheringly. Luke withered. “Er… Bob… what are we in here for, anyway?” “We’re here to find Han Polo and Chewit, the famous confectionary smugglers and their famous ship, the Maltesa Falcon.” There was a strange howl from beside them. What appeared to be a very hairy tree was regarding them with a look of disdain. “Wipe that chocolate off your face, you stupid wookie!” snarled a man with a round head that had a hole in the middle of it, from whence the sound presumably issued. “Look, I don’t know what you’ve heard about us, but it’ll cost you 10,000,000 credits – or whatever currency they use round here, I can’t remember – to get you onto the Death Car.” Bob smiled serenely. “How do you know we want to go to the Death Car?” “Look, we’ve read the script as well as you have. Frankly I’m not amused to have to do this instead of building some furniture, I mean how much money can there be in it? I have a bad feeling about this…” “Your ship…” asked Luke, eager not to feel left out, “is it fast?” Polo nearly choked. “FAST?!?!? That baby can go faster than a fast thing that’s been going to extra training and wearing the latest go-faster stripes! It’s faster than a cheetah with a firework rocket chasing it! It’s faster than a crowd running away from a Spice Girls concert!” “Erm… a simple ‘yes’ would have sufficed, actually…” Obi Wan looked outside. “Where exactly is this ship of yours?” Polo glanced outside, then did a double-take and screamed loudly. Stormtroopers surrounded the area, but that wasn’t the problem. “Dammit… that’s the trouble with the Maltesa range, you see. They’re soooooo light and so few calories that they’re at constant risk of being eaten by passing ballerinas, and there’re always a few of them passing around.” Chewit groaned heavily. Luke looked crestfallen. Bob continued looking serene, but that’s probably because he hadn’t really been paying attention – after he’d asked the question, a passing Twi-lik had distracted him. Luke looked like he was going to cry. “But… but… but what are we going to do now?” A few small blue-coloured aliens with 4 ears and half a mouth trundled by at that moment, mumbling: “What are we going to do now? What are we going to do now?” Polo sighed. “I’m afraid there’s only one thing we can do in a situation like this… Chewit, you know what to do…” Chewit started fumbling around with something and growled at Luke, who edged back in his seat and cried, “Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! I can’t die in part 2, I’m still useless and I haven’t even seen a lightsaber battle yet, let alone been in one!!” Polo tutted and muttered something that sounded much like, “stupid kid…” Obi Wan had fallen asleep. Chewit pulled a small red packet out of his pocket. Despite his fear, Luke was intrigued and leant forward to see what it was. “Okay Chewit, let’s take another one out of the bag. And don’t do it inside this time – you know what happened last time…” ************************ Heavy breathing could be heard. “Lord Vader?” “Yes, General?” “Do you need your emphysema medication again?” “No you fool, it adds atmosphere and makes me sound more menacing.” Vader paused for a moment and sniffed the air. “I feel a disturbance in the force.” “You’re sure that’s not just the curry from last night repeating on you, Lord Vader?” “No, for I took some of those excellent dyspepsia tablets (Insert name of medication here – invite drug companies to bid for corporate advertising space in final release)! No curry could defeat the fast, effective, prophylactic action of (Insert name).” “Yes Lord Vader, (Insert name) sure are the business.” ************************ They looked at the Death Car. It was a battered old Ford Escort. “Um.. so what do we do now, Bob?” asked the perpetually clueless Luke. Bob went all mysterious on them. “Use the Ford, Luke!” They opened the door and went in. It was much bigger inside than out, in fact it was almost the size of a small moon. They got out of the Maltesa Falcon and Chewit popped the re-compressed ship in his pocket. (Yes, Wookies do have pockets, even though they don’t wear clothes.) ”We meet again, Obi-Wan. The circle is complete. Or something.” An epic lightsaber duel was about to happen… but for those of you without television, here are the sound effects. ”Buzz Whizz Hummm Bzzzzzzzzzz Splat” “Oh well, there goes Bob’s head. Wasn’t much use anyway, to be fair. Better get going kid, I don’t want to be here when Vader realises we were right behind him all the time!” TO BE CONTINUED… Star Chores Part 1 Star Chores Part 3 Star Chores Part 4 Star Wars Reviews… Films Star Wars Episode III – Revenge of the Sith Computer Games: Jedi Academy from the Jedi Knights series, published by LucasArts. Knights of the Old Republic, also by LucasArts, the first real attempt at a Star Wars RPG. Freeware Star Wars Games Battle for Endor Battle of Yavin  |
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