Overcoming PPD when there's no baby...
Aug 15 '05
The Bottom Line A mental health professional checks out for a few weeks after discovering the truth: she is clinically depressed...
I decided to write this in order to return to this site with all knowing where I went. As my profile states, on 3/5, our 4th child was delivered early and died from complications of premature lung and heart development.
So, I thought I was okay. You know, being a tough retired Navy gal and a Marriage and Family Therapist. the Navy kindly returned my husband and things were going well. Sort of. I started to shut down. Stopped functioning. Stopped cleaning and working and getting out of bed. Stopped showering and brushing my teeth. Stopped living. Literally, I could not talk to my husband and could not look at our kids. I could not answer the phone or even walk to the kitchen table. I was depressed. Clinically depressed. And I knew it. But, for some reason, I could do nothing about it.
It boggled my mind that I had to have a 6-week check-up after our daughter died. I mean, what's there to check, right? The incision healed and I am fine. Really fine. I returned to work, am cleaning and doing everything normal. The bills from the delivery and cremation sat unpaid on our desk in the den. I would not open them. I could not open them. My mother came over and said the hospital called her since she was next of kin (besides my wonderful husband) and could she please ask if things were okay because when they called, and mentioned the bills for the NICU, I dropped the phone. For hours my line was busy. Could she see if I was okay?
My co-workers asked me if I planned to return to work at the 8-week mark like I said. Sure, I'll be there. I went in, listened to people for 6 hours a day, and went home. I couldn't tell you what the clients said nor if I said anything in return. My supervisor said that I was doing fine to my husband so he had no idea...and neither did I.
I had read all the books, studied all the symptoms. I could tell you the medications that would work best to treat depression and what would be best suited for a client such as myself. I went to school for this. And yet, I could not see my own depression. I could not see the weight that hung over my head and clouded my days and kept me up at night.
Our youngest child, who's 3, brought me a card that we had made for the baby and the next thing I knew, I was in the hospital. A locked ward. The walls were pale yellow and the rooms were guarded. I was not sure of the day, the president and the year, but I could tell you my children's names, birthdates, wieghts and heights at birth, and oh yeah, I can tell you where my daughter's ashes are buried. Now, please sir, can you tell me where I am and how I got here?
I had what is politely called a "nervous breakdown". They told me I was suffering from Post-partum Depression. How could I be post-partum if I don't have a baby? They told me it was grief. Here's some pills to help you focus. Here's some pills to help you sleep. Here's some pills to make you relax. The ward is locked but you can see your family tomorrow. They can also call you tonight. You passed out; perhaps from stress or grief or Depression or anxiety or from not eating or drinking and why haven't you showered or brushed your teeth in two weeks????????
What do you remember, April? Can you tell me the day of the week? Can you tell me the names of the last four Presidents? Hey! I know these questions! I had to learn them to pass my mental health classes! I had to ask them of patients on the psych ward......is that where I am? Am I crazy? Did I suddenly stop being me? I know how to help someone who is suffering from Depression!!! I don't need to be here; I know what to do!
Needless to say, the old saying "Physician heal thyself" is true. Even after studying hard and then applying what I knew in practice, I could not help myself. I spent two weeks in a nice, safe and warm place. I had my hair and nails done, a full massage, nice meals, and group therapy. I also accepted the fact that I was clinically depressed and needed medication. I also accepted the fact that I buried one of my children and life still goes on.
I'm not back to 100% yet but I am here to say hello and I'll be back soon...maybe a few days or even a week. I miss writing and I have been adding things to my days that are slowly returning me to normal. Or something like it.
I'm not going to tell you how to get help here; I am not in a position to help yet. PPD can affect you even if you don't have a baby. Clinical Depression can affect you even if you're a mental health professional. Wow. I still have a lot to learn...be back soon.
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Epinions.com ID:
thriftymommy
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Member: April
Location: Home of the Hindenburg Disaster, NJ
Reviews written: 90
Trusted by: 49 members
About Me:
The number of people below the official poverty thresholds numbered 36.1 million in 2005.
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