Special Extra to The World According to Hugh...It May Now Be Told...
Sep 17 '05
The Bottom Line There but for the grace of God go I......
I've given a few reasons for my six-month hiatus from Epinions, and after receiving a few questions, decided a little more detail was in order for some of the things I said.
So, after a few conversations with attorney and friend Aiden Abbet, I've decided no confidentiality or public safety laws will be breached by sharing the story of my one and only blind date, which occurred earlier this summer.
Well, a half-blind date...she had a glass eye, but I did not know this until after our evening had begun.
Mot being much of a social mixer, I searched around online until I found a site that I didn't have to pay for, and actually had real people on it. I located a female in my city who seemed interesting, and we set up a time to meet.
I figured it advisable to be somewhat presentable on the first date, so I decided to forgo my Bullwinkle J. Moose T-shirt and blue jeans and dress formally in white shirt, blazer, and dress shoes. A few minutes after heading out toward the restaurant where Delores deFoliant and I were going to meet, I turned around, went home, and put on some pants, also. Ok, I was just a little nervous. I also took a minute to remove the unibrow I had accidentally applied to myself when trying to use Ron Popeil's "Hair in a Can", or whatever that stuff is called, to cover up my bald spot.
Then, dressed, freshly deodorized, and sweating excessively, I arrived at the "Le Expensive Eaterie" restaurant where Delores and I were to meet.
Delores met me at the door; a stunning lady with sparkling eyes, sparkling dress, sparkling teeth, sparkling face,(?)("I was reaching for a tub of face powder and grabbed a tub of glitter instead" she explained) and a scent it took me a moment to identify. "You smell...ah...fresh and minty." I said.
Delores apologized. "I had a couple of shots of peppermint schnapps before coming here." she said, "I was a little nervous." I certainly understood, and furthermore, did not take long to discover that it was very likely more than just a couple shots. I think my first clue was when she demanded a menu from the streetlight beside the building. I suggested we actually enter the restaurant first, which, after a moment's thought, she agreed was a good idea.
We made it inside, and the hostess and I steered Delores to a table, and we placed our orders without incident. Ok, one incident. Delores asked the waiter if they had any sticky buns, and when he replied in the affirmative, she laughed uproariously and said they needed to wipe themselves better. I studied the menu.
Soup/salad course was basically ok...there was the moment when Delores asked the waiter if the vegetables in her salad were free range vegetables or had been mass produced and slaughtered at a veggie ranch. She also wanted to know if the house dressing was colonial or victorian....but other than that, all went well. Ok, one other thing...after the house dressing inquiry, my hand spasmed and I knocked my soup bowl into my lap. The waiter brought an ample supply of napkins in response to my request "Waiter, there's a soup in my fly", and Delores offered to wipe it up. "No thanks", I said hastily, and wiped up myself, noting that both the waiter and I had developed the same nervous twitch. But, I give the guy credit...he hung in there with me, even when Delores asked him to bring out her lobster before it was cooked so that she could give it a proper farewell.
While we waited for the entree, Delores thrust her face into mine and challenged me to identify which one of her eyes was glass. Rather timidly I pointed to the left one, which was angled slightly to the left and upward. "WRONG!!!" she crowed gleefully, and popped out the other one to show me. Her gripped slipped,("Whoops, slippery....too much eye's cream" she giggled) and the eye rolled across the table and into my lap just as the waiter arrived with a carafe of wine to serve us, which he dropped on the floor. As he scurried to clean up the mess, Delores stood up. "I'm going to the ladies' room." She announced, "Don't go anywhere...I've got my eye on you." She giggled and snorted her way to the restroom, her progress marked by occasional exclamations of "Heeeheehee...I've got my eye on him." An elderly lady fainted when Delores showed her she wasn't just speaking figuratively.
The waiter returned to the table and stared in horror at the eye, which I had placed on her napkin. "There is a back door, sir, if you should wish to slip out..." he offered. "The manager has asked me to tell you that this meal is on the house, if you should so wish to do that." I thanked him heartily, but replied that I was in for the duration...how much worse could it get? The waiter glanced nervously over his shoulder for a moment, then turned back to me. "Sir, she's now twisting the piano player's nose, trying to 'change the station'. She's telling him she wants to hear some country music." he said.
"Where did you say that door was?" I said.
Back home, I erased 57 messages on my answering machine that all began "Hugh, where the hell did you go? Those shysters switched my cute little brown lobster with a red one, and thought I wouldn't notice....." and ended with something about "bail money." After a few days, she wasn't hanging around my building anymore....I'm hoping she forgot where I live.
Ah well, there you have it. Just one of the things that happened during my six month hiatus. There's more to come, and someday, maybe, I'll actually go out on another date.
Yours until Delores discovers where I'm hiding,
-Hugh U. Kidden
© 2005
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Epinions.com ID:
hugh_u_kidden
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Location: I was Here a Minute Ago; Where Did I Go?
Reviews written: 102
Trusted by: 76 members
About Me:
Um.....
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