The World According to Hugh......
Sep 28 '05
The Bottom Line Kids, don't try this at home.
I made a startling and useful very gratifying discovery today, while walking along the Duluth, MN Lakewalk along the shore of Lake Superior.
I discovered that if you're walking along the beach absorbed in reverie and your tranquility is shattered by a man running along wildly, holding a box over his head and yelling "I won the X-Box 360! This is the greatest day of my life!", if you find a middle-sized piece of driftwood and fling it at him sidelong, like throwing a Frisbee, you can trip that sucker up and he'll land on his fool face in the surf. I also discovered that it's wise to not stand for too long a time to point and laugh afterward; an early running start is advisable.
Anyhow, that's not the point of my ramblings tonight. Bowing to applied pressure ( please let go of my neck, will you?) I'm sharing another story of my activities during my six-month hiatus from Epinions, to wit; The Great Toaster Pastry Experiment.
This was largely inspired by an article written several years ago by syndicated columnist Dave Barry, who wrote of his discovery that Pop-Tarts brand toaster pastries will ignite into three-foot tongues of flame that shoot dramatically from the toaster slots when left in there for too long. It's an excellent article, and I encourage you to read it. In fact, read all of his stuff; he's terrific.
Since this had taken place several years ago, I was curious to see whether or not the Pop Tarts manufacturers had done anything in the interim to make their product more fire-resistant. I acquired an old toaster and the assistance of longtime friend Thudmore McTremors for what I figured would be a valuable product safety test.
Just a word about Thudmore, should he ever appear in these articles again. At 6'5" and 350 lbs, Thudmore McTremors is easily the biggest friend I've ever had, and a giant teddy bear with a heart of gold, to boot. He works as a landscaper and sells Christmas trees, and is one of the most peaceful people I've ever met; a demeanor he says he acquired from a lifetime growing up in a small town populated mostly by Quakers. He's not the sharpest tool in the woodshed, but he is always willing to assist with my experiments in the name of the public good.
Anyhow, Thudmore and I took the toaster to his back yard and plugged it in via an extension cord, and I affixed the toaster lever to the "down" position with a liberal application of duct tape and inserted two Pop Tarts into the slots. Since Dave Barry had recommended strawberry as the flavor that got the best results, that is the flavor we used to make our recreation of his experiment as authentic as possible. During this phase Thudmore stood by with a pile of sand and a shovel "in case of emergency".
After about a minute, the toaster began to buzz not unlike an angry bee. The buzz became a vibrating rattle, and smoke began to issue from the toaster slots. Thudmore hefted his shovel.
Approximately thirty seconds later, beautiful yellow, red, and orange flames shot out of the top of the toaster and rose to roughly three feet. I was a little close for documentation purposes and noted that I was not only smelling burning sugar and distressed toaster parts, I was also smelling disintegrating eyebrows, which I also rapidly noted belonged to me. Shoving my face into the pile of sand took care of this.
Thudmore became excited, (I did say something about "not the sharpest tool", didn't I?)and instead of dumping sand on the toaster, swung his shovel like a major league softballer encountering a ground ball and hit the toaster a majestic line drive down left field, where it shattered into black goo and toaster fragments against the side of his garage.
As the smoke cleared and Thudmore restored my eyebrows via Magic Marker, we agreed the experiment to be a success; there had been no serious threat or damage to life and limb, (our friend Lefty Stumperson would be proud of us) Dave Barry's initial research had been further vindicated, and the sight of a flaming toaster hurtling into the side of a garage is a glorious sight indeed.
I'm still not certain what to do with the results of this experiment. Perhaps Mr. Barry would be gratified to know his original premise still holds true.
Anyhow, yours until Thudmore assembles all of the supplies for our next experiment, which he says involves jet propulsion, (or maybe I should sit this one out)
-Hugh U. Kidden
© 2005
Special thanks to Dave Barry for hopefully NOT suing should he ever find out I've had a little fun with his theme.
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Epinions.com ID:
hugh_u_kidden
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Location: I was Here a Minute Ago; Where Did I Go?
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