Crosses, Crucifixes & Garlic: My Top Ten Vampire Flick List
Nov 21 '05
The Bottom Line They might suck ... but do they swallow?
Ever since I was a kid I have been intrigued by vampires. Most films romanticize them, give them suave accents and slicked back hair but at the end of the day, they are blood sucking freaks. Hey, I say that with respect. Whether you go for the gory films or the ones that make tons of puns - there is no shortage of movies that revolve around the life and times of the undead. I won’t say that all of these are award winning flicks but they are some that have caused me to roll on the floor laughing or had me in tears for other reasons. Good, bad, moronic ... these are some of the vamp flicks that thrilled me. These aren’t in any specific order, I started out trying to put them alphabetically but gave up ... I’m lucky I can tie my shoes these days let alone put things in alphabetically order.
Bordello of Blood
Scantily clad creatures of the night that hang out in a funeral parlor and feast on males that were looking for a good time. That’s the premise of this flick. To say that this lacks a strong plot is an understatement so why is it on the list? Simple. Sex sells - and in this case it’s two fold. Not only do you have men visiting a bordello but they creators of the film used the hotties to cash in. I still want to know who had the blackmail pictures of Dennis Miller - that is the only way I can see him ever agreeing to be in a film like this. His dry wit and sense of humor are what make this worth watching at least once. There are some action scenes but most of this film revolves around breasts and blood with the occasional soft core porn montage thrown in for good measure. Watch out for an explosively hot Angie Everhart.
Bram Stoker's “Dracula”
Even though there are some aspects of this film that I hate with a passion, the overall romantic lure of it draws me back to it time and time again. Keanu Reeves plays Jonathan Harker, Wynona Ryder his bride to be Mina Murray. Neither of them pulled off the accents which is something that bothered me to no end. Sadie Frost plays one hell of a compelling Lucy and there are more than a few other famous faces in the mix. If it weren’t for Gary Oldman’s outstanding performance as Dracula I wouldn’t own this movie. Old Drac, young Vlad ... take your pick - they are all impressive. From a cinematography standpoint the film is well shot and you will need to watch it a few times to catch all of the detail that was put into the scenes. My favorite being the accent on the Absinth bottle that Mina and Dracula share ... the word ‘sin’ is accentuated. Heh, nice touch.
Buffy The Vampire Slayer
The movie that spawned a merchandising empire. Starring a rather young looking Luke Perry and Kristy Swanson, the film wasn’t nearly as big a hit as the television series, graphic novels, figures and book series. The movie does a good job of covering the life of a rather reluctant slayer, one Buffy Summers and her trials and tribulations in good old Sunnydale. Even when she realizes that she is destined to be a slayer, she insists on doing things her way much to the chagrin of her watcher, in this film, the aging but still entertaining Donald Sutherland. A must see film for anyone that is addicted to the series or gets into seeing cheerleaders bouncing around rather aimlessly. Hard core Buffy fans will also find the book, Slayer Slang: A “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” Lexicon a great way to understand all the Buffyisms.
From Dusk Til Dawn
George Clooney as a vampire killer? Juliette Lewis as an adopted child of a preacher ... especially when the preacher is Harvey Keitel. There are some great one liners in the film and tons of action scenes but I’d wager that most of the guys rent this [or own it] because of Salma Hayek. If you thought she was hot in Desperado, you haven’t seen her at her finest until you catch this flick as Santanica Pandemonium The plot has some holes in it but thanks to appearances by Cheech Marin, Quentin Tarantino [Richard Gecko], Tom Savini [Sex Machine], Danny Trejo and others, it is watchable if you take it with a grain of salt. The story goes like this; Seth Gecko and his brother need to blow out of the states in a hurry so they hijack a recreational vehicle and head south of the border. Little do they know, the club they are suppose to go to is really an ancient vampire lair. With tons of weapons, vampires as far as the eye can see and a very explosive ending, this fairs better than others in the action department.
Interview With The Vampire
Brad Pitt. [Louis De Pointe Du Lac] Tom Cruise [Lestat De Lioncourt]. Antonio Banderas [Armand]. Three major names in Hollywood but none of them really seemed to capture what Anne Rice had in mind in her book. Sure there are some breath taking scenes that you can’t soon shake but overall this was a little less than impressive to me. When it was first released I thought a lot of it but over time I’ve seen through the facade. Christian Slater plays the part of the interviewer; Brad Pitt the willing vampire eager to try and clear his conscious. It bounces through time, capturing what the two main characters have been through together. This is a very romantic look at vampires but there are some harsh scenes like the black plaque, murders at the mansion [and Kirsten Dunst’s character killing off the twins] and when the student outgrows the mentor. The soundtrack was most impressive but if you want to get the true feel of the movie, go for the theatric score. If you have trouble following the series, check out the book The Vampire Companion: The Official Guide to Anne Rice's The Vampire Chronicles.
Lost Boys
What happens when rebellious teens have too much time on their hands? If they are vampires then you’ll find them in the bowels of an old hotel playing Jedi mind tricks on the fresh meat. With stars like Jason Patric, Corey Haim, Keifer Sutherland and Jamie Gertz the film offers you not only eye candy but some pretty nifty special effects. Coined as one of the quintessential young adult vampire flicks [I never even knew there was such a category], it has action, a watered down love story and one hell of a naive mother. Another film with an interesting soundtrack, sure to send everyone on a nice trip back to the late 80’s scene. You can also catch Corey Feldman as one of the Frogg brothers, Alex Winter and Billy Wirth as a Lost Boys and Barnard Hughes as the know-it-all grandfather. There’s some suspense but you know from about the first half hour of the film exactly what is going to happen, yes it is predictable but it’s still a great vampire flick.
My Best Friend Is A Vampire
Sometimes it sucks to be a teenager. What could be worse? Being chased by someone that is convinced that you are a vampire, a best friend that is afraid of you and a butcher shop that has a special price on pigs blood for those ‘special occasions’. I wasn’t expecting this movie to be anything impressive but it is ‘cute’. It’s the usual story; teen age boy gets seduced by a female vampire, returns home thinking nothing of it, starts having cravings for blood, sleeps in his footlocker than has some old man coaching him on being the best vampire he can be. This isn’t filled with a lot of big names so star power isn’t one of it’s redeeming qualities. Features Robert Sean Leonard, Fannie Flagg, LeeAnne Locken and Cecilia Peck. Don’t expect too much from this and you won’t be disappointed. Even though this wasn’t a huge hit, it is still one of the funnier teen vampire flicks.
Once Bitten
Cleavon Little steals the show as the sharp witted minion to The Countess. Not exactly a new story but it does have some extremely funny parts. Teen age Mark Kendall loves his girlfriend Robin but can be resist the temptation of The Countess [Lauren Hutton], that is the question on everyone’s mind. Can she find virgin blood before the stroke of midnight? Can Jim Carrey pull off playing the role of a teenager? With two bumbling best friends, an ice cream truck for transportation and a strange craving for raw meat, Mark has his work cut out for him. The film is a cut above most other teen vampire flicks because it takes a light hearted approach to the plot. If she doesn’t get her virgin blood she shows her true age and crumbles to dust. Hey, if the coffin is rockin’, don’t bother knockin’! The lesson here is if you are going to hang out with an aging vampress, you better learn to sew your own buttons back on your shirt.
Transylvania 6-5000
I guess that technically this isn’t a true vampire movie but it is set in Transylvania and is one of the funniest films I have ever seen. Ed Begley Jr. and Jeff Goldblum star as two writers that are sent to Transylvania to follow up on stories that there are monsters in the village. The acting isn’t all that great but that is part of the charm of it and has some incredible one liners. The charters that dwell within the castle are what really make this film so endearing - Radu [John Byner] and Lupi [Carol Kane], Michael Richards [Cosmo from Seinfeld] as Fejos and all the monsters in the laboratory. If you’ve never seen this film, get ready to pee your pants - if I could put a money back guarantee on this I would. Besides all that, Gena Davis [Odette] is smokin’ hot as a vampire princess! Joseph Bologna does one hell of a great job as the slightly twisted Dr. Malavaqua - another reason to check this out. No matter how many times I see this, I still roll on the floor when Fejos makes them smell the glass ashtray. That’s something that you just have to see to get the humor of it.
Van Helsing
I’ll admit it, it was hard for me to watch this one. No matter how hard I tried, it just never managed to capture my attention for more than a half hour at a time. It’s your typical “let’s go kill the bad guys” kind of film starring Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale. I do have to say that there are some great lines in the film and the action scenes were well shot but there was just something flat about it, like there was some element missing. When this hit the theaters everyone went crazy over it but I waited for it on video - maybe that was the biggest mistake I made, perhaps if I would have seen it on the big screen it would have forced me to watch it in its entirety instead of in half hour increments. There’s a lot of intense battle scenes that guys really seem to get in to. One day I came into the shop and they had this on the television - weapons [broomsticks, mops and plastic swords] drawn and ready for battle. Clearly they need a chore list written out for them ....
So there it is ... it might not be the most impressive list but they are all flicks that I’ve found interesting in one way or another. Some of them were low budget flicks that never made an impression when they were in the theaters and others were supposed to be huge box office hits but missed by a mile. To me there are two constants in the movies; anything mafia related and anything vampire related. Even the crappiest of mob stories or vamp flicks have cult followings. To quote Stephen Baldwin one more time ... “sex is like pizza, even if it’s bead, it’s still pretty good”. Same thing goes here ... even when the movies flat out suck, they are still pretty interesting.
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