Calling Him Back-- *Updated*
Dec 01 '05 (Updated Dec 07 '05)
The Bottom Line continuation of the previous piece
Some people might not be so interested in reading other people's personal letters, but I'm not so bothered by it. If anything, it makes me see inside the heart of the person writing it. If we were willing to divulge a little more to our readers, it might help them to see the more human side in us. We all need to be able to write when our emotions move us--it is often the best time for our true self to shine through.
I don't necessarily feel as though I'm sharing some big secret by posting this letter. I do feel lonely at times, and maybe that is why I'm so willing to share it with others--perhaps for acceptance, perhaps just to have an inner feeling that somebody out there actually cares about what I have to say.
This letter is a follow-up to my piece, "The Boy Who Was Lost to the Shadows". I wanted to write a letter to this "boy" the first time around, but my desperation that day managed to rear its ugly head.
Thankfully, tonight was different.
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Hey there,
Hope your Thanksgiving went over well. It was uneventful here.
I trust things are going okay for you in North Carolina.
Gosh, just putting that word down on paper hurts. North Carolina...so far away from here...
You know, even though I only knew you for the short time I did, you've changed my life. I'm not sure if it means anything to you or not, but I certainly hope it means something. Like I said in my last letter, I care about you a great deal, and wish that you would not intend to separate me from your life. It hurts in ways that I cannot describe.
I've been trying for weeks to write something that will come from my heart--and most of the time my words just fall flat. I need to mourn--get it all out of my system--because missing you is something I still haven't quite gotten over yet. I don't know how or why I even care for you the way I do, but I do, and cannot change the way I feel. Even if you said you hated me, I'm just not sure I could tear myself away. It sounds crazy...but then, maybe I am...
I hope that you've finally found happiness in your life--I could tell from our times together that you weren't completely happy--and to be honest, I can tell that you
are still searching for something, some purpose and meaning. A lot of us do--hell, even I don't know what I want out of life. What hurts me the most is to see others in pain,
especially those I care about. Seeing you that way made me hurt--and that's when I started becoming more connected to you.
I've debated coming down just to see you again. But maybe I should reconsider, since every time your mom says you are coming in, you don't show. The last time, I went down to your mom's place and waited for you to show up for your birthday party. I ended up drinking a little too much.
When I found out you weren't coming in, I went off in some mad rush--honestly, I wanted to be angry, because I thought maybe it would help me get you off my mind.
It doesn't appear to have helped.
You know, I really wish I could read into your heart and find out what it is you want--because I want for your happiness--even if it meant I had to endure pain to see it.
Has anyone ever felt this way about you?
I'm at a loss for words right now---but fortunately I do have the lyrics from a song that state EXACTLY how I feel about all of this.
HOME by Michael Buble
Another summer day
has come and gone away
in Paris or Rome
but I wanna go home...
Maybe surrounded by
a million people I, still feel all alone
I just wanna go home,
Oh I miss you, you know
And I've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two,
I'm fine baby how are you?
I would send them but I know that it's just not enough
My words are cold and flat
And you deserve more than that
Another aeroplane
another sunny place,
I'm lucky I know,
but I wanna go home
I got to go home
Let me go home,
I'm just too far from where you are
I wanna come home
And I feel just like I'm living someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not come along with me
This was not your dream
But you always believed in me
Another winter day has come and gone away
And even Paris and Rome
and I wanna go home
Let me go home
And I'm surrounded by a million people I
Still feel alone and let me go home
Oh I miss you, you know
Let me go home
I've had my run, baby I'm done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It'll all be right
I'll be home tonight
I'm coming back home...
You know, there's nothing like coming back home to the ones you love. That's what I hope you get to do every day. It seems like for the past few years, I haven't had that privilege. And so now, being apart from you, I'm not so sure I want to see anybody anymore. I'm having a hard time writing this now.
After I heard from your mom that you had moved in with your brother, I came back home that night and cried like a baby. I don't think I have mourned so much since my mom passed away. I truly have lost a friend--and I didn't realize how much you meant to me until it was too late. I hope you can feel the pain from this writing, because I can assure you it has been nothing short of terrible at times.
This whole experience has made me want for total numbness. I remember after Mom passed away how I didn't feel anything in my spirit--how I had no vigor or enthusiasm for life--and then, somehow--I made a friend, and things seemed to have gotten better. Then I left you. It's all my fault--it always is and always has been.
Do you realize that you've been the only person (aside from my mother) I've cared so much for? I hope you don't step on me in your reply, if you do reply. Don't deny me--I don't deserve more pain and waiting. The least you can do is write back or call and let me know how things are going.
Don't put the letter down. There is a human heart inside this letter waiting to get out. This paper is not just another flat sheet full of black shapes and lines put together to make words. Your hands, imperfect as they may be, are holding on to what little I have left of me to give to you.
I'll be here, waiting, if you ever decide to come back.
Yours truly (and I do mean yours truly)
=Aaron=
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I can't say that the feelings will ever go away--but I hope that he responds within the next few days after I mail the letter out. I feel like I need this more than anything I've ever needed in my life--if only to close things out.
I phoned him not long ago and tried to get serious with him--but due to time constraints and the holiday, he didn't have much time or desire to speak. Hopefully this letter will affect him more than our short conversation did.
Talk soon,
=Aaron=
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Update--December 7, 2005
In what seems to be providential intervention--after not seeing the face I had so longed to do, for eight months--I received a call from him last night asking me to come and see him.
He returned home after five months, and of course there were many things to discuss, which I won't mention here. Things didn't go as well as I had hoped, but they most certainly could have turned out much worse. Not much has changed, except now I must now look at him differently. It won't be easy---but I guess I have to take the knife and twist---until it comes out of my heart.
This scar, too, will heal, in time.
P.S. ---Something interesting resides at this site for me---every time I post something here that is important to me--especially matters closest to my heart---something happens in my life that I wouldn't expect. I truly cannot comprehend it, but must accept it for what it is. Wow.
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imprimis2
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Location: Kentucky, USA
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About Me:
You can be happy using your brain, but you're smart when you use your heart.
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