A Surer Cure For Your Cur's Recurrent Incursions
Dec 04 '05
The Bottom Line Advantages: Better breeders breed blander barkers.
Disadvantages: Bitter breeders breed badder biters .
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[Member's Advice on Being a Responsible Dog Owner]
FOREWORD:
I must say I was quite taken aback when I discovered that Epinions had relegated such a crucially-important, socially-relevant topic: "Member's Advice on Being a Responsible Dog Owner," to the consumer-visitor-untrammeled dust of the Writer's Corner morgue. When I consider the tragic plight of the perhaps millions of souls, worldwide, who live in perpetual fear of their improperly-raised/handled canine house-pets turned Hitler-pooches, I truly regret that the only people who will ever be able to benefit from the sublime canine-control wisdom that follows hereunder, are my fellow dog-owning, Epinions member-account holders. When one considers the frequency of family-room flea-infestations, the Fido-fertilizer defiled footwear, the cur-cursed postal carriers and couriers, can one really even begin to estimate the importance of providing and publicising mangy mongrel-management advisement to our distressed pet-consumers across the globe? I think not.
A MORE CURRENT CUR INCURSION-REOCCURRENCE DISCOURAGER
If there were a surer cure for discouraging your curious cur's recurrent incursions; a cure for insuring that your cur's incursion-excursions wouldn't occur any more, wouldn't YOU be sure to procure YOUR cur the surer anti-cur-incursion cure?
No amount of hounding your pound-bound hound or keeping him soundly bound around the surrounding bounds of your home ground will confound that hound once he's found that once he's frowned or growled a growly sound, you won't stick around to stand your ground. You might as well impound that hound before he pounds your porky mound into ground-round (that's chopped hamburger meat here in the colonies). You need to turn that over-wound hound around.
YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO YOUR MUTT
To avoid getting into a rut with your mutt, you've got to grab said mutt by the nuts and show'im you're not some gutless putz. If you lack the guts to show your mutt whut's whut, he's gonna sink his canine canines into yer cowardly butt.
APPLYING MY CUR INCURSION-REOCCURRENCE DISCOURAGER TO AN ACTUAL CUR-INCURSION OCCURRENCE
Rather than allow ourselves to get caught up in a discussion that is prone to confusing canine abstractions, let us examine an actual case of mishandled dog diplomacy; one that exhibits the typical errors a dog-owner makes when s/he attempts to exercise dominion over a pet dog that has formulated his own tradition-flouting notions about who represents the relationship's "master," and who the "mastered."
COWARDLY MEAN-DOG OWNER/VICTIM: "I ... tried to make friends with my ... Rottweiler which was peeing in my garden. I talked to it in a baby voice from the window, but it just growled like it wanted to kill me."
This is a classic example of how NOT to respond to your cranky canine's cries for correction. Failure to scratch your vicious bitch's pernicious itches makes your bitch a bit suspicious. She becomes too big for her bitchy-bitch's britches. Big, scary-looking dogs like Rottweilers or Akitas get terribly offended if you mollycoddle them from a distance; particularly if you cajole them in a "baby" voice. It makes them think you're a just a big, jessie pussycat who is afraid to smack them around when they need it.
What do you expect them to think when they see you savagely spank your child without giving it a second thought, yet you won't you provide THEM the physical discipline they so desperately crave? Naturally they believe it's because you don't love them; that you secretly want to shoot them in their cute, little Rottweiler faces with both buckshot-filled barrels of your favorite scattergun; that you think they're nothing but indiscriminately-vicious, flesh-consuming monsters who have nothing better to do with their lives than scratch fleas, lick their anuses and turn you into a clean underwear-soiling, baby talk-babbling hostage of your own household. That baby voice makes them think you're intentionally being condescending and disrespectful to provoke them. Is this REALLY the impression with which you desire to leave your shark-toothed, 95-pound, human flesh & bone-gnawing, foaming-at-the-mouth canine companion? I should think not.
THE SOLUTION
Here's what you've got to do to set things a-right again: Throwing all caution to the winds, you've got to bear your teeth in a fully-exposed, gritty, gleaming grin (by way of analogy, think of what it would take to make the Chesire cat seem a comparative Mona Lisa), then, while making loud, startling, guttural "broken vacuum cleaner-like" noises (i.e., to mitigate the psychological trauma and damaged pride you caused "Killer" to sustain with your previous "baby talk" faux pas), run up to him from behind when he's least expecting it, or better yet, when he's right in the middle of tearing the flesh off of some delicious, blood-spilling morsel (the mailman, perhaps?) he's selected for his dinner, then yank whatever limb he's currently gnawing upon and crushing into splinters with his shiny white canine molars, right t'hell out from betwixt his jaws (i.e., to establish dominance and let him understand you mean business, dammit!). The important thing is not to let his deceptively fierce countenance or his homicidal expression inhibit you.
At this point, I can almost guarantee you'll have his full and totally-undivided attention. As soon as he flashes you a big, toothy werewolf grin, you'll know you've completely beguiled him with the uncompromising forcefulness of your charm. Using the hand that isn't clutching Killer's mashed-up dinner limb behind your back, rapidly throw out your extended arm towards his happily-surprised-looking grin (the way you might if you were going to lay someone out with a cheap-shot punch in the jaw), and, using the stiffened flat of your lower palm, give him as many affectionate, yet firm and decisive pats on the tip of his nose as you can. I promise you'll have him eating the palm of your hand in (literally) no time at all.
You may not get it right the first time. Like anything, it takes practice. However, if you really love your pugnacious pooch, you'll provide him the tough love he craves. Spilling a few drops of your own blood is a small price to pay to make sure your misunderstood cur is properly raised and nurtured.
--29th
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Epinions.com ID:
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Member: Jim Scileppi
Location: The 29th Congressional District, CA
Reviews written: 67
Trusted by: 516 members
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