Kids Just Don't Understand! Or Do Parents Just Suck?
Dec 06 '05
The Bottom Line Is Will Smith right with "Parents Just Don't Understand" or has he changed his tune now that he's got three kids?
Lots of my Epinions friends have seen me write through the years about various aspects of raising my now admittedly grown and legally adult daughter.
She's 19 now and attending the college of her choice on a full academic scholarship, extremely trustworthy and capable, and determined to deserve to wear white on her wedding day. And she also is still living at home, for now a legal "dependent" on our annual 1040.
What a balancing act. An adult, but still the one and only "baby" to Mr. and Mrs. Hooterville. The apple of our eyes, the light of our lives -- you know the rest.
Independent, Stubborn and Determined -- Chip Off the Blocks!
I was born feet first and left-handed at 4 a.m. on a Sunday. How much more contrarian can a person be right out of the chute? Mr. Hooterville comes from a long line of stubborn folk as well, so we are not surprised to see these qualities surface in our combined gene pool.
This determination serves our daughter well in many of her pursuits. She plans to graduate from college a year early and is on track to do so. She set her sites on becoming a black belt in karate and soon is hoping to test for the third level.
She's also not hesitant to argue with her parents, and she's totally confident that being stubborn is always a desirable quality.
Overnight Trips With Guys - Yea or Nay?
Our daughter has a boyfriend. He's all the stuff parents want in a boyfriend -- intelligent, hard-working, and supportive of our daughter's decision to save sex for marriage.
If Mr. Hooterville and I were going to leave town for a few days, we'd have NO worries about leaving our daughter at home on her own and having Boyfriend in the house at her discretion.
But leaving an adult capable 19-year-old female alone and in charge in familiar surroundings is a totally different situation than giving parental blessing to the two of them driving 1,000 miles alone in unpredictable weather conditions from Omaha to San Antonio to the Alamo Bowl.
Our daughter and her boyfriend absolutely do not understand our concern as parents. Mr. Hooterville's objections are mainly centered around moral factors. Mine are almost exclusively on safety issues.
An Impulsive Gift and Underfunded Invitation
It was Sunday evening right after bowl invitations were issued. My daughter happily announced "I'm going to the Alamo Bowl!"
She told me it was with her boyfriend and that they were driving. My first horrible thoughts were of two people with a combined total of six years maximum driving experience traveling through a blizzard, getting stranded, falling asleep at the wheel because they tried to get too far too fast, and car accidents.
Of a list of my Top 100 Biggest Worries, the potential of them having sex was perhaps #98.
Mr. Hooterville and I agreed that our daughter would probably accept tickets and transportation to a Nebraska Cornhusker bowl game from Ted Bundy. The argument would be something like: "Stop worrying, I know he's a rapist serial killer, I'll be on guard the whole time and I'm a second degree black belt! For God's sake already I can handle myself with that psycho wimp!"
And that's where the vaunted stubborn streak and maturity part company. She seems to be unable to envision any situation where she might lose control.
Now to the "underfunded" aspect of my case. Boyfriend earns some decent money. He is fluent in two languages, wears a tie to work and is attending college on a full scholarship. He may be financially able to pay for separate hotel rooms and a bus trip to the bowl game, but I don't think it's right for my daughter to accept a gift that's too extravagant for her to reciprocate.
He also is first generation in this country, has older brothers and sisters (two of whom serve in Iraq), a mother who speaks limited English and works nights in a factory. His father died several years ago. Kids in his family grow up rather quickly. He is still living at home, as is the youngest child in the household. I know he helps pay some of their living expenses.
How much happier I would be if he simply bought my daughter a Husker sweatshirt or hat for Christmas and used the rest to help pay for some of the family's heating bill. It's his money, he earned it and can spend it as he chooses. But my opinion of him, while already very favorable would be over the moon if he helped his family instead of spending money on overnight travel and entertainment for my comfortable daughter's pleasure.
They Don't TRUST Us! They Think We're STUPID!
Last night less than 24 hours after inviting our daughter to the Alamo Bowl, Boyfriend came to our house to watch a movie. Mr. Hooterville and I waited for them to get comfortable and then we ambushed them.
Mr. Hooterville started off by asking Boyfriend "Are you aware that Ms. Hooterville and I strongly object to our daughter traveling overnight alone with a guy?"
Not surprisingly, Boyfriend was not aware. I didn't think this would be a detail our daughter would share with him. They both asked "Why?" since the possibility of sex was not an issue as both were committed to chastity.
"Because it's wrong, it's inappropriate," Mr. Hooterville emphasized.
Boyfriend and daughter chorused demands for more specific reasons. "Because I said so" is no longer a satisfactory reply.
I explained that I completely trust them on the sex issue, but safety was my main concern. They assured me of their ability to be careful, plan for any controllable circumstances and reminded me that both are armed with cell phones and AAA memberships.
Of course, I was not satisfied. But they were more understanding of my safety concerns than of Mr. Hooterville's moral rationale. I told them that my reasons may be different than Mr. Hooterville's, but that his feelings were valid and that I supported them.
Mr. Hooterville refused to play the "Reasons I Think It's Inappropriate" game, knowing every one of them would be met with a retort about his unreasonable attitude.
Hero or a Zero? You Decide
Mr. Hooterville and I didn't mince words with Boyfriend. We told him that he had the opportunity to be a hero or a zero by either encouraging our daughter to accept a compromise of some sort, or by supporting her defiance.
We further informed him that it would affect our future opinion of him, as well as our daughter's grandparents and relatives.
He said we were "blackmailing" him, we informed him that we were only alerting him to the very likely reaction to the path he chose. This is the absolute truth. What would any parent and grandparents think of a young man who would be a party to a daughter's somewhat premature desire to show her independence in circumstances that cause that family concern?
At Last -- Detente -- Sort Of
After Mr. Hooterville and I exhausted ourselves from our loquacious toot, the young couple returned to the movie, but we knew they were discussing a plan.
Boyfriend and daughter returned to me an hour or so later with the following compromise: I drive them to the Alamo Bowl.
Now here's where my "Mom Savvy" came in. I thought of offering that option up front, but knew it would be instantly shot down in the spirit of the "indepedence" argument.
So I agreed to be the driver, equipped with a highly effective emergency backup tool that neither of them has -- Platinum Visa.
A three-day trip driving 2,000 miles is not something I relish for myself, even sharing driving with the two of them. But I'd rather be annoyed and cranky on the road than staying home with my stomach in knots with worry about them being alone on a very, very long stretch of highway and covering it in such a consdensed timeframe.
My daughter is still not happy with this compromise. She and Boyfriend think Mr. Hooterville and I are just anal retentive suspicious jerks.
For another year or two, I'll accept the label. I know that a parent's love for a child should grow toward separation, but I'm hoping for a better scenario before I -- or she -- totally cuts those apron strings.
And after I've shared 2,000 miles worth of driving duties with the two of them, I will probably feel more confident when they bring up the subject of taking a road trip alone together again, hopefully a shorter one or with more time to sleep.
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Epinions.com ID:
MsHooterville
|
 - Top 200 |
|
Member: Ms Hooterville
Location: Hooterville Green Acres USA
Reviews written: 596
Trusted by: 416 members
About Me:
News and feature writer, graphic designer and artist, wife and mother, small business owner.
|
|
|
© 1999-2009 Shopping.com, Inc.