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The father (Reply to this comment)
by rudixeno
of three beautiful and fiercely independent daughters read your essay nodding his head throughout. Loved this piece.
Regards,
Rudi
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Apr 27 '07
2:42 am PDT
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☼ (Reply to this comment)
by brendan2
Wow. Your daughter's lucky to have you for a mom. If I brought something like this up to my mother, I know exactly what would happen: she'd say no way in hell, and I'd go and do it anyway. But I wish I could do things your way -- sounds a lot more safe and honest.
~Liz
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Feb 08 '06
10:06 pm PST
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I know myself at that age (Reply to this comment)
by AliventiAsylum
you wouldn't have been able to stop me. But then, I was riding the bus and subway going to baseball games myself around 14 or 15. I was very independent and self-sufficient. I learned a few lessons the hard way.
My 15 year old daughter on the other hand is totally different. She can't figure much out for herself - we call her "princess" because she's so used to being spoon-fed everything. She's nowhere near as independent as I was at her age.
I just let her go to Maine for Christmas with her boyfriend and his family. They are a good family and actually I am probably more liberal in the sex area than they are, but I know they will watch. I said to him when he first asked "just don't bring her back pregnant" and he couldn't believe I would say that to him!
It's hard knowig what boudaries to set. At times I am more afraid that if I squash something, the next time she won't ask because she'll be afraid of hearing "no", so I weigh my reasoning very carefully.
And I've got another daughter and son coming along, so I get to go through it 2 more times...
Good luck and try to have fun on the trip!
Patti
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Dec 23 '05
3:58 pm PST
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:-) (Reply to this comment)
by jankp
Have a safe trip! That's in Texas, right?
Jan
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Dec 18 '05
10:28 pm PST
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Ahhhhhh! Parenthood! (Reply to this comment)
by ruby950
I think you are doing the right thing here, in saying "no", however what a sacrifice on your part!!! I don't think I would be driving with them.
My own Meg is about to turn 23 on Christmas Eve. I know that I would let her go, but she has a few years on your daughter. What a mom you are.
Merry, Merry,
Deb~
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Dec 14 '05
3:00 pm PST
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Re: Re: Re: hmmm (Reply to this comment)
by MsHooterville
Thanks, Staysee, LOL! Since I wrote my initial piece here, I have realized that these two otherwise very smart young adults/honor students REALLY think they could travel 2,000 miles round trip AND see a bowl game leaving Omaha early afternoon on Dec. 27, getting 994 miles to San Antonio in time for the game at 7 p.m. Dec. 28, get back in the car right after the game ends to start back to Omaha, crash somewhere along the way IF they are tired and can't take turns driving and still get back for him to put in a full day's work on Dec. 30.
Boyfriend said "I have never driven that far, but I know it takes 14 hours. I hear it is doable to get there in 10 hours."
If you're driving 95 miles per hour, evade the cops and have perfect driving conditions?
Now that they have agreed to let me go, I am going to make darn sure that they both get at least 600 miles each logged in. They need to know firsthand how long it takes to get places and how time must be allowed for possible delays.
The more I have learned the last couple of days about their lack of planning and unrealistic time expectations, the more it scares me.
Once they see for themselves what I'm talking about -- especially if weather interferes -- they will no doubt make better plans next time.
Last night I asked my daughter, "Maybe you should suggest to Boyfriend that he ask for the latest possible hours to work on the 30th in case we have to stop overnight on the 29th and finish the drive in the morning. He will still be able to work much of the day if he asks for later hours."
Her reply -- "He can't, he needs the money! He needs all the hours he can get!"
Mr. Big Bucks who told us Monday night that he'd spend whatever it took to give her a fabulous gift now needs to rush back to town to earn maybe another $50 to $75.
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Dec 08 '05
12:45 pm PST
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Re: Re: hmmm (Reply to this comment)
by staysee
I can understand your concern about safety. For a while it was hard to let my son do ANYTHING I thought could harm him. Just last week I let him ride a 4 wheeler, and sure enough he burns his leg on the tailpipe! I often question myself about these things and just tell him that he needs to take the necessary precautions and pray he does.
This might sound silly but maybe you could suggest a "safety pack" For example. Make sure she has a cell phone in case of an emergency. Pack some food, warm clothes (I'm from Florida) so I don't know what goes on in the other parts of the country :) Plan out worse case scenarious with her and find out how she would handle them. I find that by doing that you will be able to prepare her. I always think of scary movies and the stupid things that people do in them.
Happy Holidays,
staysee
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Dec 08 '05
7:09 am PST
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19 Years Old and Driving 1,000 miles? (Reply to this comment)
by viper1963
I am on your side Ms. Hooterville. That is just too young to be driving in blizzard conitions.
I am going to the Rose Bowl to watch my USC Trojans #1 play Texas Longhorns #2 for the national Championship on January 4, 2006.
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Dec 07 '05
9:33 pm PST
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not unusual... (Reply to this comment)
by serc
She seems to be unable to envision any situation where she might lose control.
This line pretty well sums it up. At our Early Childhood Family Education class we were informed of a study that suggests that the part of the brain that makes sane, rational decisions doesn't fully mature until the age of 24. Kind of scary to think how many people marry before that age. (I did.)
Hang in there, I think it's normal to have this conflict.
I can say that easily now because Alex and Julia are only 7 and 3, though... you'll have to help me out in a few years!
-Sara R-C
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Dec 07 '05
2:52 pm PST
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Re: Teenagers (Reply to this comment)
by MsHooterville
Bryan, you sound a lot like I was as a teenager. I moved out at 18 because I didn't like being told what to do, either. And I lost my virginity a little before that, and then eventually married that guy for a brief time (big mistake).
I'd feel much better if they were flying, absolutely, even if they were sharing a room to save money. But I'd also feel uneasy about Boyfriend spending that kind of money when there are so many places it could be better utilized in his home. Again, it's his money to spend as he chooses, and he already does help some. A young man has to have some fun with cash he earns.
Part of the surprise I learned after the fact is that they had never planned to stop overnight for more than ONE night! I had originally presumed they'd have to find accommodations for two nights for sure. They were planning to take turns driving and sleeping -- bad plan, because the person who is driving won't have anyone to keep them alert with conversation.
If they had followed through on their plan to go alone and drive, I would have insisted they get two good nights of rest.
As it turns out, Boyfriend wants to work until noon on the 27th, take off for the game, get to San Antonio, see the game, get on the road again after the game and start the drive back and be free to work again on the 30th. Sigh...he need the money and the hours...I would like to spend at least a day in San Antonio, looks like that won't happen.
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Dec 07 '05
7:27 am PST
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Teenagers (Reply to this comment)
by Bryan_Carey
I won't know what it's like to raise a teenager for another 13 years. But in this situation, at the age of 19, I think a person should be trusted to do what they want. She is an adult (doesn't matter that 21 is the "legal" drinking age- you are legally an adult at 18) and should be treated as such. I know that when I was 19, I was completely independent and my mom and dad wouldn't have even thought about telling me what I could and couldn't do. I took complete care of myself and every decision was my decision, case closed. I moved out when I was 17 and any decision made about my life choices was solely my own. I never liked being told what to do (not then and not now) and that is why I made my exit from the nest as quickly as possible. I never returned to live with my parents once I left.
As for the safety concerns, well, I don't know what it's like there in Nebraska but once they get to about mid Oklahoma, there won't be any threats of snow or anything like that. And hey, at least you came up with a compromise and agreed to drive. Did your daughter and her boyfriend consider flying down? Would that have made the decision to let her go any easier?
When I have a teenage daughter, my feelings might change completely. But for now, I think a 19 year old woman should be allowed to make her own decisions and learn from them.
P.S.: You will really enjoy San Antonio. Have you been there before? It's one of my favorite U.S. cities.
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Dec 07 '05
7:15 am PST
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Re: risks (of two sorts) (Reply to this comment)
by MsHooterville
You are right, Brian, we don't have the right to forbid them to go. All we can do is tell them both how we feel about it and let them make the final call. I'm glad they decided to ask me to be part of the driving tag team but no, I'm not looking forward to the drive -- or the music they'll want to play the whole way, haha! It's not an ideal compromise for anyone, but it does help cover the safety concerns and sharing the drive with more people.
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Dec 07 '05
7:14 am PST
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Re: I feel your pain somewhat? (Reply to this comment)
by MsHooterville
What a great offer! If the weather is bad or it looks like it could be tough going for some reason, it would be great to have a place or even someone to call for advice about the area, just in case.
And to Brian, too -- I don't know how old my daughter will be when she gets married, and she probably won't marry this guy ultimately. But considering that she plans to go to medical school and will probably be well into her 20s by the time she takes that step, I'm just going to take a wild guess that she may revise her criteria.
For one thing, I don't think she's met "the one" who really gets those hormones going yet. At least where he was also available to be part of a couple. And that's another reason I'm not really worried about that part of the trip.
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Dec 07 '05
7:07 am PST
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I feel your pain somewhat? (Reply to this comment)
by grandgram
My husband and I were married at 19 and had five children. Some of them were in their 20's before marriage and who knows if they waited for sex until after marriage. I don't think so!
I am offering you a safe harbor in Salado, Texas which is on Interstate #35. This is where I live now, glad to hear Nebraska is in the Alamo Bowl. All I hear down here is about Texas Bowl Games and the hoopla about Texas U.
On December 28th weekend I will be here and you are welcome to stop by. I am just an hour north of Austin and have three bedrooms. :-)
Letta
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Dec 07 '05
6:33 am PST
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risks (of two sorts) (Reply to this comment)
by voxpoptart
I have a lot of sympathy for the safety issues -- the ride-with-Ted-Bundy scenario ("I can handle anything!") sounded like a fair statement of a typical 19-year-old outlook to me. And yeah, i'd be afraid to drive myself 2000 miles, and i'm in my thirties and _used_ to snow. You don't have a right to forbid the kids, but to be very evidently nervous and afraid for'em? Sure.
I honestly don't see why 19-year-olds shouldn't have sex (the majority of my female friends, my wife included, started much earlier and turned out lovely). And i do wonder if counting on their celibacy is wiser than making sure they have condoms: girls who pledge abstinence have, in longitudinal studies, gotten pregnant at disturbingly normal rates. But if the two are happy that way, more power to them. :)
cheers,
- Brian
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Dec 07 '05
5:43 am PST
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Re: hmmm (Reply to this comment)
by MsHooterville
Actually, she has already traveled with him and spent the night alone but had her own room last summer when they went to Kansas City. They took the bus.
I agree with you on the sex part. Now how would you feel about having them want to drive 2,000 in less than 72 hours on their own when the weather could turn bad and the guy has only been driving for a year and they don't have much money? That's my major concern.
If she had gone off to college and driven herself to and from a different city, I think she'd be willing to stay home or at school for an extra day if she had travel plans that had to be delayed for weather. For a bowl game, I don't think she would.
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Dec 07 '05
5:14 am PST
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hmmm (Reply to this comment)
by staysee
ok here's my take. I'm a mother of a boy who is now just starting to get interested in girls (he's only 10)...but I think that a 19 year old girl who could have chosen to go off to college (couldn't tell by your description if she's at a local or not) and pretty much do whatever the heck she wants while living there..I know I did :) Should be able to decide where and with whom she goes. When my frist husband and I moved into an apartment together..I was about 21 at the time (in my last semester of college) we maintained that we lived in separate bedrooms to appease our parents. So we had two beds but really only slept in one. I dont think premarital sex was an issue with my parents but it was more of "how this looked".
Anyway, my point is...I think it's awesome that a girl of 19 is still waiting to get married to have sex..give her that much. If she can be that responsible and disciplined then I think she can be trusted alone with this guy especially if she's 19. Most 19 year olds are out of the house and on their own nowadays getting into far worse trouble :)
staysee
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Dec 07 '05
4:28 am PST
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