While Judy and I waited in line at the check out counter at Wall Marts last week, I scanned the racks on either side of the waiting line. There were news periodicals, envelope size self -help pamphlets mostly about diets and exercises. There were little horoscope, numerology, graphology, and palm reading pamphlets about the size of a small envelope. There were razors, deodorants, batteries, kid’s balloon toys and crayolas, and candy bars – all there to look at. One “news” periodical that really caught my eye was, you guessed it, THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER. Now let me read to you the headlines

(1) LIZ (Taylor, I think, although the photo didn’t show the Liz I remember) getting something done to her stem to beat aging. Golly, I wonder if it would work on my stem.

(2) OPRAH ( along with a picture of Oprah looking red eyed and weepy)
Battling Deadly Disease. Big picture, occupying half the front page.

(3) MADONNA They have the book she is trying to ban

(4) TOM CRUISE & NEW LOVER BABY SURPRISE

(5) Plus Jesse Jackson’s lover tells all: George Harrison’s Battle For Life: and the first photo if $12.5 million bra.

Now I ask you – could any red blooded American woman resist that? I furtively slipped one into my shopping cart.

After the groceries had been stashed away, and a light supper of frozen pot pies zapped by the micro wave, and sliced tomatoes had been consumed , Jude went upstairs to view and read the new Epinions, but my computer sat there neglected. Even the dogs had to wait for their supper. I simply rinsed the few dishes we had and put them on the rack for the dishwasher. Then I tucked my new Enquirer under my arm and curled up in my easy chair. I HAD TO FOLLOW UP ON THOSE HEADLINES.

The first “headline” story I came to was the Oprah story on page 5. Of course before I got there I had to read about David Spade’s attraction to 5’9” model, Caprice Bourret, although David is only 5’ 7”.The Enquirer called them an odd couple. “Caprice thinks David is a good kisser.” I also learned the “heart-touching” secret behind Agassi’s wedding. Because Steffi Graf is suffering a difficult pregnancy, Agassi cheered her up by “popping the question” before the baby gets here. I also learned that “ kiss- crazy” HELEN HUNT likes her new beau. And NOW comes the OPRAH story – and I am only to page five.

Oprah had a full body CT scan and the results showed she might be in the very early stage of heart disease with possible hardening of the arteries. Although she is frightened and knows it’s wrong for her health, whenever she is blue, anxious, or over-worked she EATS. Gee, Oprah, so do a few million other women. I don’t think the Enquirer should be proud of the next segment of the Oprah saga. They have stolen, or some way or another have access to her personal diary, and gleefully report: a) she worries about her weight, and health: (b) her self-loathing because she can’t maintain weight loss: (c) she frets about her sexually abused childhood: (d) she thinks she has a poor self image (? – oh, come on) and (e) she’s afraid Stedman will leave her (and her twelve million plus dollars? Come on, Oprah. Do you think he is out of his mind?)

On to the next scoop – but before we get there we learn that a 65 year old janitor disarmed and beat a teen punk who tried to hijack his car. Pg, 6 –

Page 7 Here it is, the Jesse Jackson scoop. “HIS LOVER TELLS ALL. More is told all from the woman’s point of view which I will not tell, because there is really nothing TO tell – they had a consensual relationship that produced a child, and Jesse does not want a divorce from his wife.

Page 8 – A Sure Way to Do Away With Stress and Anxiety.

A) Follow normal routine, B)Stay in tune with events, C) Honor those who lost their lives, D) Contribute in any way you can, E) Draw strength from family F) Exercise and relax, G) Be good to yourself and have fun, H) Avoid eating or drinking too much, (I) Avoid anger at family members or people around you because they are feeling anxious too.
Somehow that all sounds familiar. Could it be that I have heard it before from a talking head on CNN at least once a day since 9/11?

Next comes the GOSSIP page. Gossip? In the Enquirer? What is the world coming to? Here’s the dirt: Cops raid Neve’s love nest. Anthony Edwards is leaving “ER”. Rob Lowe is about to become a daddy. Hugh Hefner has a new posse of seven blond beauties. Bill Clinton will act in an episode of C.S. I. (whatever that is). Dennis Quaide is getting over Meg Ryan. Bette Midler is going to Hawaii and Eddie Murphy didn’t like his 10,000 sq, ft. rented house in Vancouver because it doesn’t have a gym. That’s most of the gossip page – and who says I don’t really read the paper?

Headline about Madonna’s Secret Life. You may be amazed to learn that Madonna was a “bad” girl, and has had a lot of sexual relationships out of wedlock. How in the world did Madonna ever manage to keep that a secret for so long?

Next there is a cute baby picture for which some lucky parent was paid $200, as the Enquirer pays every week for a cute baby picture. You can also earn $25 for telling why you love your pet. Bill Harris tells us what Video’s to purchase – heck, when I want to know THAT I go to Epinions.

Now we learn that Paula Jones (the pure innocent that was so traumatized by Clinton that she earned a new nose job before she posed nude for Penthouse), has found herself a new sucker (er-husband). What a lucky guy! Loni Anderson has trouble with her back – Portia de Rossi is out of the closet and has a new gal-pal. Brook Shields wants a baby with her new husband. A terrorist’s pal tells all. He was the terrorist’s barber, and gave the man a “high and tight” cut.

Here comes the Horoscope page where Arlene Dahl told us how our week was going to go. Myself, and all the rest of the Scorpios in the world, will find our dreams coming true between the 13th and the 15th. Arlene Dahl is the astrologer. Do you fellow old timers remember when she was a so-so actress?

Next, model Heidi Klum models a bra for Victoria’s Secret catalogue that costs $12.5 million dollars (that’s the cost of the bra, not the catalogue.) It should make a nice Christmas gift for your significant other, guys.
Guys will probably love the picture – but I don’t know about the gals. I should think all those diamonds would make for a heavy and scratchy bra.

Then there is the cooking page with an interesting recipe for Japanese style steak (sounds good), and Geraldo Rivera’s green banana salad. Hmmm. There is also a column of kitchen tips, such as blow-drying your chocolate frosting to smooth it – and placing an upside-down Hershey kiss in a cone to prevent ice cream from dripping.

Johnny Mathis had surgery and is ready to sing again.

LIZ TAYLOR has gone to Brazil to for controversial stem cell therapy, which is supposed to cure a number of ills, and retard aging. Stem cells are taken from human embryos, often those left over from vitro fertilizations, and injected like a vaccination shot. Liz feels she looks stronger and sounds better than she has in years. Liz, even if I could afford it, I don’t want it - you can have it, it’s too bizarre for me.

Kelsey Grammer got married – He used to be Big Bad Bill, but he is just Sweet William now.

George Harrison is in a top New York cancer center where Oncology specialist, Dr. Lederman is treating him with sterotactic body radiosurgery, which delivers precise doses of radiation with pin point accuracy. He has overcome throat cancer, brain cancer, and now is fighting lung cancer, says the Enquirer. If that is true, we certainly wish him well.

At last, THE SCOOP about Tom Cruise and his new lover’s baby surprise. Tom has popped the question and he and Penelope Cruz will be walking down the aisle as soon as he is free from Nicole Kidman. The baby? Penelope wants to have children with Tom. Nicole is angry because she feels Penelope intimates that birth children were an issue during her marriage with Tom. Wow – What a surprise – Penelope wants to have a child? Golly, gee.

The last two pages tell us Bill Cosby is addicted to fat, and eats salt pork, sausage, bacon , biscuits, cake, pie, potato chips and he loves ice cream. His wife wants him to go to a fat farm, but he refuses. He thinks that if he doesn’t tell his doctor anything, the doctor won’t find anything.

The Enquirer has a page devoted to the weekly crossword puzzle. The puzzle would rate in the medium category I think. It is not real easy, but not hard enough to keep you from finishing it in about twenty minutes or so, and you never need consult a dictionary if you like crosswords. The vowels are in the color yellow, while the pink squares will tell the name of someone famous when you unscramble them.

I have poked fun at the Enquirer, and much of it is deserved. However they do feature some interesting medical news each week. The recipe page is probably worth a dollar, and the household hints are fun.

My husband used to enjoy the Enquirer, much to my dismay. I kept thinking of the Hearst papers, which my dad called yellow journalism. Lou liked the corny ads – especially after he retired. He found, to his dismay, that the “make-money -at -home” ads just did not work, but he still clipped a blue dot that the Enquirer promised would bring him luck. If he believed in it, maybe it would have worked, who knows. Unfortunately, he ran out of time, but if a blue dot gave him hope in his final years, who’s to fault it?

So, if you like to have fun with gossip that really doesn’t amount to diddley, and if you really care which celebrity sleeps with who, or who is in rehab, or who looks neat in the fashion pages, read the Enquirer. I do, once in a while – although I think that the fashion editor should be a comic book cartoonist judging how she decides who is “hot fashion” and who is a “fashion disaster’.

In case you call me a spoiler, be advised that by the time this review hits Epinions, this copy of Enquirer will be obsolete and a new one will be out for you to enjoy, and spend your dollar on.

Take care during this holiday season and don’t work too hard. Thank you for reading this – and remember, it is all in fun.

Virginia



Recommended: Yes

Describe the magazine's political views: It is moderate.
Primary Reason for Buying: Articles