Women ... You Can't Live With Them, etc.
Jan 26 '06
The Bottom Line Even today I am rendered helpless by a well-timed wink, long silky hair, and a shapely calf. You'd think I'd have learned by now.
Second grade is when boys begin their metamorphosis into men. Well, maybe not men ... but certainly proto-men. I mean, this is when even the slowest developers' testes fully descend, and their little winkies begin to show the first stirrings of reaction to rubbing or watching girls play hopscotch in their little dresses and ankle socks.
I was no different. By the second grade my boys were well settled into their new scrotal home, eagerly learning their trade of manufacturing DNA bullets, and the soldier had signaled his awakening and awareness of the world outside with the occasional standing at attention.
And, it was in the second grade that I not only first really began noticing girls, but that I got my very first official girlfriend.
Her name was Linda, and she sat in the desk in front of me in class. She had the most mesmerizing and lovely hair I had ever seen. It was dark brown, went down to her mid-back, looked to be softer and smoother than any silk, and glittered in the light like a collection of the finest diamonds ever mined. She had a small collection of freckles on each cheek, and her nose would crinkle up in the most adorable way when she laughed, or if she was grossed out by something.
I was completely captivated by her. From her ultra-hip pink pencil case to the fact that she was slightly pigeon toed. Her voice sounded like the songs of cherubs, and her smile could light a room brighter than if the sun itself was in there. And, on top of all that, she was friendly. Unlike the other girls, she never ran away whenever I approached, or openly and sadistically mocked me because of the strange clothes and jacked-up haircut which were loving gifts of my immigrant mother.
However, despite the fact that I was so enthralled by her, and that she was nice to me, whenever I tried to talk to her or get her to notice me, it would always result in me making a complete fool of myself, and earning yet another in a long series of public humiliations.
I haven't changed all that much since then, by the way.
But I digress. One day during recess, Linda came over to me. I was playing Safari Al with Duende, Eggs, and a few other miscreants I called my friends. We had transformed the monkey bars into the deepest, densest of all the jungles Africa could ever hope to spawn - complete with giant man-eating plants and savage gorillas, while the sandbox became a lethal bog, with perils such as quicksand, alligators, and killer pythons. As I was hacking my way through the underbrush with my comrades in search of the mysterious magic golden monkey, Linda tapped me on the shoulder. She stood with the sun behind her, so it formed an aura of brilliance around her form, giving her a mystical, almost supernatural look. This was odd, since it was a cloudy day, and the sun was nowhere to be seen. Anyway, she looked at me, with those giant, brown, hypnotic eyes, and as she tossed her hair effortlessly she said, "Hi. Would you like to be my boyfriend?"
Could it really be that easy? Didn't she remember that time I tried to show off my jumping skills and ended up tripping and falling down the steps? Was Safari Al such a super-stud that the most desired girl in the entire second grade would approach him? Had I stumbled accidentally on the secret to getting any woman I wanted?
"Yeah!" I answered, much less cooly than I should have. Steve McQueen I wasn't.
"Okay," she said. "But you have to buy me Bubble Yum first."
So! That was the way to gain the bottomless pleasures of a girlfriend! Of course, I didn't have the sort of cash to just go out and pick up Bubble Yum any time I damn well pleased. Those things were 25 cents a pack! But she made it clear that her being my girlfriend was wholly contingent on my buying her that pack of sugar, xanthan, artificial flavor, and red-dye 41. After a week of saving, pleading, conniving, scheming, and outright theft (if my sister didn't want that dime stolen, she should have put it in her piggy-bank!), I finally got the cash together, and came to school with the key to her heart: one unopened pack of Watermelon flavored Bubble Yum brand bubblegum. I gave it to her at recess, she accepted it, gave me a peck on the cheek, and then said, "Okay, now you are my boyfriend. Get me another one tomorrow."
What? Did I hear that correctly? Get her another pack tomorrow? It was an impossible task! Did she have any idea what I had to do to get this first one? Did this little tease think I was made of money? That I had quarters spilling out of my butt? Besides, there were five whole pieces of gum in that pack ... what was she, a diabetic? Had she absolutely no self control?
I tried explaining that it would be unlikely that I would be able to accommodate her request, but she just said, "If you want to be my boyfriend you have to buy me Bubble Yum."
End of discussion. Do not pass "Go," do not collect $200.
The next day came, and at recess I was Bubble Yum-less. Linda came by like a dirty cop collecting protection money from a green-grocer. I told her I didn’t have it, and she was miffed. Before I could say anything more, she went over to Scott Nicholson, that buck-toothed, google-eyed doofus with the huge cuffs on his jeans, and what happened? He handed over a pack of Bubble Yum, got a peck on his cheek, and broke into a shit eating grin. The next day it was Sergio Martinez who coughed up the goo and got the sugar, and the day after that it was Keith Parker. Suddenly it dawned on me that the only club less selective than Linda's boyfriends was the entire 2nd grade male population of Grande Vista Blvd School!
I went home that day with a heavy heart. I thought I found true love with the girl of my dreams. I had spent the previous week and a half walking three feet above the ground thinking I was THE ONE, only to find out that I was just another. I sulked for a whole two days, until I noticed Maria, the shy, mousy girl sitting in the far row over by the window. Black hair, great smile, and always wearing a cute dress. Yeah, Maria! Now there was a girl for whom I could really fall...
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Epinions.com ID:
Fez_Monkey
|
 - Top 1000 |
|
Member: Fez Monkey
Location: Somewhere west of Ellay, near a beach
Reviews written: 110
Trusted by: 138 members
About Me:
Me? I'm just a lawnmower, you can tell me by the way I walk.
|
|
|
© 1999-2009 Shopping.com, Inc.