|
|
Heather (Review Your Ex-Lovers W/O)Mar 25 '06 (Updated Dec 26 '06) Write an essay on this topic.
Popular Products in Books
The Bottom Line is dead tired.
As far as influence on mindsets and decisions ventures, my relationship with Heather was the most significant. The set-up's rather bland (and bitterly disappointing for myself). We rode the same bus. I was a sophomore and was convinced that she was a freshman, but it turned out she was in eighth grade. Before I knew that, I already kinda liked her (I find that I don't completely like most of the women I date during the relationship's entire duration). The girls on our bus noticed the attraction, and forced us to exchange numbers. We were "official" within a few days. Heather adorned herself with an egregious amount of cosmetics and thus appeared "hot" to most people (that's quoting my dad). I met her parents the first night; they thought I was nice, but quiet, and were impressed with my knowledge of Bible trivia (that counts because her father was a pastor at a backwoods Nazarene church). This led to an exorbitant amount of trust, and they Heather and I watch Space Jam in their room alone. I guess you know what happened after that. It quickly came to my attention that Heather was 1. Excellent at making out. 2. Very willing to. And, as almost all of my relationships do, it took a turn for the sexual. Confronted by this acceleration, I knew I must soon decide: third base or not? I'd never been there before. Not even drily. At the time I was conservatively pious, and didn't know whether God found it advisable. Thus, I asked for His guidance. Not receiving a straightforward answer, I went for it (2.5 weeks into the relationship). And this is the instance which always has (among many other things) and always will convince me of God's existence: at the precipitous moment, 1/1000000000000ths of a second before I would have been there, the phone rang. The event being so galvanizing, I instantly withdrew my hand; both Heather and I ejaculated a sibilant "holy shit," and I went supine while she went to answer the phone. This catapulted me into quandary. Consternated, I called off the relationship only days later (though I'd told Heather I wouldn't, because I'd already done the same with Whitney-----and that was shorely a mistake). This sparked an endless series of antiphonal osculations; where Heather and I would call each other, migrate to each other's homes (we were within walking distance), make-out (it depended on which house was parent-free), and leave. This mainly became a tool for me to release my emotional frustration, which created an attachment to Heather. At one point, I re-liked her so much, that I asked her back out (with enormous earnestness). She tergiversated, then rejected me, professing, "Well, I know that if we date, I'll just end up dumping you for some other guy within two or three weeks, so, uh, no." The moment I strolled away from her home, all of that passion dissipated. She called me back 15 minutes later, cadging, "Ohmygodive just made the biggest mistake of my life. Let's get back together." I flatly refused. We still kept making out. Once I was positive that it was over, and twenty-four hours later, I gave in again (1). A two-and-a-half year hiatus began. There were ten or twenty times (over the course of the first two years) where we were supposed to make out or simply hang out (I even told her we'd have sex at one point; this was just to tempt her-----yes, I'm a scumbag), but they never occurred. Disaster struck when, feeling destitute after I'd convinced myself that Melinda (my present girlfriend) would deflect the possibility of a new relationship, I made out with Heather (2). On New Year's Eve, I went back over to her house to test myself, and resisted temptation (hallelujah?). This thoroughly pissed Heather off, so she called me a psychopath and made me leave. And that was it. What's interesting (cheesy moment warning) is that as the status of our relationship became more disgusting, Heather became less attractive. Eventually she stopped wearing make-up and added pounds. So the last time we made out, I was kissing an incredibly unattractive and overweight person. I mean, if I'm going to make out with someone hedonistically, she should at least be hot, right? I don't know why men do these things. We just do. But here's the thing: I have to recommend Heather. Why? Because she was never a bad girlfriend. She was fun to make out with (even in the nocturnal final moments) and never strayed. She was even pretty faithful as a friend with benefits. Even though she's pretty stupid (I could predict almost everything she'd say), most of the time I dated her, she was pretty attractive. And even with all that insipidity, you can always make fun of her. The heinousness of our relationship was mostly my doing. I hit on her friends and was an asshole whenever that I knew she was crazy about me. How was this relationship so influential? It kept me from touching a vagina for years. It also (arguably) gave me my first job; at McDonald's (I know her brother, and he used to work there). And it lasted until only a few months ago. That's three fucking years. There's also the God thing. Yeah. But we all know what Matt Moon'll have to say about that. Rating: 4/5 Other Rating: B Recommended: Yes 1. More information here. 2. More information here. Review Your Ex-Lovers W/O+  |
| Read all comments (5)|Write your own comment |
- Top 1000|
Ads by Google
|
