Lasting thoughts of Phil ~ I Will Always Remember You...
Mar 25 '06 (Updated Mar 28 '06)
The Bottom Line People always say to seize the moment, and I can only say I wish I had because now I regret it.
I met Phil when I went in to my fiance's work with him one afternoon. Phil had on a red hat, a butcher's coat, and a dark green puffy winter vest over it all. He had a kind smile and the first thought that came to my mind was "he is so young." Over the years we became friends. He worked with my fiance and they respected each other. I would often go in while Phil happened to be working with my fiance to pick up odds and ends for groceries. I would talk endlessly to him about love, life and whatever else would come up. He was the one person that always smiled at me and made an effort to talk to me. Phil was a special person.
I woke up today to have my family call me and tell me that Phil had made the paper. The title read "Police investigating death of man dropped of at hospital." I already knew that Phil has passed on but to actually see it in the newspaper was heartbreaking. Right there on the front page is how he will be remembered. I was so angry. I read the short article and felt overwhelmed with sadness. The difference between this story I was reading was the actual story behind his death. The Press was right about one important thing, "Police said it appeared Laffey likely died of an alcohol or drug overdose."
When I heard he had died Friday afternoon when my fiance came home from work, I was floored. Tears just started streaming down my eyes. Then I wiped them away thinking I was fine. I even went about the rest of the night without crying really. Today is a whole new day though, and I have felt those tears rolling down my cheeks again. I have read the article in the paper and I have spoken to friends and family.
The anger inside of me is overwhelming. The grief seems endless. The death is devastating. The guilt in my heart won't go away. The pain feels never ending.
If I had the opportunity to do it all again, I would have reached out to Phil when I saw things going off track. I would have said something, anything at all, just to know that I cared. I would have, I would have, I would have. I can't though. I can't do anything or say anything anymore. He is gone.
What makes me feel the worst is that he died alone. He was literally dropped off at a hospital by someone I even know who then ran off afraid to be questioned by police. Phil passed on within minutes of getting to the hospital. I wonder if he went painlessly or if he felt death upon him. I wish that I was there to hold his hand so at least he didn't go without knowing that someone cared.
Phil was the smile that I saw when I needed to. He was a young kid who had so much ahead of him. Everyone saw what was going on and no one stepped in to help him. They have to do an autopsy because they don't even know what drug or how much alcohol he had in his system. How did this happen? Why do I feel so guilty? I didn't do something to stop it and yet I don't even understand why I didn't try.
So with me I take one memory that manages to still make me smile. Phil always had a pen over his ear. One day I went into my fiance's work to see that he had buzzed his hair completely down. There was still an ink stain. A pen had burst and he couldn't get the ink out of his hair. The only thing left to do was to cut it all off. He laughed about it when he told me and I laughed with him.
I will miss Phil. I will miss his smile, his friendly personality, his everything. As my fiance and I mourn his death, we remind ourselves to cherish the moments we have with everyone that touches our lives. I will never forget Phil and I hope he is still looking over me with that wonderful smile.
He leaves behind his mother, father, sisters, brother and nephew. He had just turned 21.
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