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When the Rubber Hits the Road: My Life as Something Like a StepmotherMar 26 '06 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line These are the days of our lives.
I can hardly believe I’m writing an advice piece on being something like a step parent. Just as with being a “real” parent, every situation and family dynamic is totally unique. I’ve made many mistakes, but I’ve also made great strides in my ambivalent role as “Daddy’s Girlfriend,” a title which can feel horribly demeaning after 7 years, but in all honesty, also has its benefits for all of us. My day-to-day life is no different from someone married to a parent, but not having the title makes it difficult to explain our family unit in school and social situations. I usually say, “I live with their Dad” which may or may give people more of a sense that I am a stakeholder in the children’s lives. Not having it has also been psychologically easier for the kids and their mom than if I’d married long ago. To be frank, I don’t care what other people think unless it affects the kids. If they are embarrassed or confused about what to say to their teachers, friends or their friends’ parents, that does concern me. I have worried about how people see me, and have even had uncomfortable exchanges with some of the other mothers when the kids were younger, but as I began to gain more clarity and confidence with my role in the family unit as well as with my own sense of self – things got much easier. I came into the kids’ lives when they were 5 and 6. They’re 11 and almost 13 now. I also gained a stepmother when I was 13, so I thought I’d have a pretty good understanding of what the kids were going through. The first thing I learned as something like a step parent is that even if you are a child of divorced and remarried parents, your experiences are not the same as your spouse’s kids. Period. There may be common emotional themes, but those are usually in broad strokes and when you start projecting your old feelings onto the children, you stop seeing them and only see yourself. Expecting someone else’s children to respond to a changing family dynamic in the exact same way you did is a mistake that can lead to unnecessary heartache. Thankfully, I learned this relatively quickly because the kids had an obvious difference from me when I went through the same thing – they were developmentally at a completely different phase. Five and six year-olds experience the world differently than twelve and thirteen year-olds. But another critical and less obvious difference was that their family unit had been completely different from mine. Their relationships with their mother, father and each other were as different as all of our personalities. Once I learned that, I was tipped off to the fact that what they expected from me was not what I expected from my stepmother. Kids that age need to feel safe and have a structured routine. They don’t need another friend or teacher – or parent, for that matter, but they do need their basic human needs met and they need an ally in figuring out how the world works. They need the person living with mom or dad to be trustworthy. I realize that many stepparents reading this are the sole mother or father figure for their stepchildren, but our situation was little bit more complicated because both parents were and continue to be alive, sane and involved with the kids on a daily basis. The only days these kids don’t see both parents are Sundays and when they’re on vacation. This is going to sound ridiculous, but these are some of the questions I know have gone through their heads: Does she drive as well as mom? Does she cook as well? Can she make decisions that are fair and keep me safe? How does she relate to my Dad that’s different from Mom? What parts of that are better or worse? Who’s prettier? Who talks to other parents better? Who keeps a better house? Does she really love me or does she treat me differently when Dad’s not around? Does she talk behind Mom or Dad’s back? Does grandma like her better? What if I just want to spend some time alone with Dad? How will it make Mom feel if I want to spend some time alone with her? Those are tough questions because many of them are comparative. It’s hard to be compared to someone else all of the time and if you don’t keep your head on straight, you can easily get into a pattern of defensive or catty behaviors. I hope I didn’t do this too often, but I do remember feeling a great deal of pressure in the beginning. I was just not prepared for criticism, especially when it came to things I was just learning for the first time. I was 22 years old when they were living with us half-time. I was, in some ways, very emotionally immature. I was ticked off that Mom and Dad could make decisions I didn’t always agree with, but mine would have to be justified to no end. What’s worse is that even if I was winning the argument, the parent trump card could always be played and my reasoning didn’t matter. I had to work hard to earn the respect of both parents. I was not going to be treated like a babysitter in my own home, but I also wasn’t going to get into a pi**ing match with a woman who I always thought was a damn good mother even if we didn’t always agree. It was difficult to learn how to live with their mother always virtually in the room though, even if I did respect her. I feel pretty confident that I’ve now answered those questions for them. No, I don’t keep perfectly manicured nails or my hair perfectly styled. And Grandma probably doesn’t like me better – her heart’s just big enough for us both. But more importantly, I don’t talk about Mom behind her back and I do love them genuinely apart from my love for their Dad. They can spend time with me without it being a threat to Mom and they value many of my differences from their parents. Still, as they continue to grow and become more aware of the nuances in relationships and their own personal history, new variations on some of those old themes will creep up and take me by surprise. Luckily, they’re getting old enough to for us to really talk, but I still have to watch my defensiveness. Even recently, the boy very simply said, “Mom cooks chicken the best.” I said almost instinctively, “Yeah, well maybe my kid will think I cook chicken the best.” It sounds harsh on paper, but we were both laughing right away because I made my hurt feelings known and not in a nasty way. It also wasn’t harsh because I’ve never tried to be their “Mom” – I have a totally different role I play with them. An important one, but it’s just different. That was still a wake up call for me though because I didn’t expect to be so immediately pouty about it, but I’d have to be robot to not respond to those kinds of comments here and there. I love them like crazy and want to be the best I can be for them, but I’m not Mother Theresa. The minute I start kidding myself into thinking that I’m going to be as important to them as their Mom or Dad is the minute I really need to remove myself from the situation for a while – which brings me to the next important thing I learned. I’m not another parent. That was the heartbreaker right there. For years, I tried to tell myself that I could find a way to not step on their Mom or Dad’s toes but still be like a third parent. Friends or family would interrupt me in the middle of a long monologue about what they needed to do better in school or what they needed to eat or wear with, “but Meagan, you’re not their parent.” For a long time, I chose not to listen to that statement. They don’t understand, I thought. I’m with these kids every single day. How can I not be totally invested in their futures? How can I not want to control the decisions that affect their lives? And the hardest lesson to learn was that, as crappy as it is, I will be invested and I have had the blessing of being in their lives almost every day – I’ll even bear sole responsibility for their safety and well-being while they’re with me - but I’m still not their parent. Writing those words actually brings tears to my eyes. See, in my mind, I had no trouble when the kids said (a grand total of 2 times in 7 years), “You can’t tell me what to do! You’re not my Mom!” I simply retorted, “No, I’m not! And I don’t want to be, but I am an adult in your life who loves you and who is responsible for you, so __(fill in the blank with whatever I was telling them to do or not do)___ and I mean now.” Yet I did have this idea in my head of what I was for them that didn’t match up with reality, and I probably still do to a certain extent. I thank God, though, that I’ve cultivated a positive relationship with both of their parents when it comes to the kids. My next bit of advice, then, is to please, do anything and everything in your power to build a solid relationship with your spouse as a parent, and their ex. Being able to cuddle and laugh and even work through relationship problems with your spouse is totally different from being able to work through problems with the kids. Some step parents can grow to resent the children, because the relationship seems fine in every respect until it comes to the kids. The values you may bring into the life of a child you create with your spouse are one thing. The values they’ve already set for their children from a previous marriage are different. Even when your kids and their kids are living under the same roof, it’s important to realize that treating all of the children fairly doesn’t necessarily mean treating them the same way, especially when your spouse’s kids have totally different expectations at the other parent’s house. Few things mean more to me than the times when their mother has invited me into conversations about their lives. It took a long time to get there, and I have friends that are step parents who aren’t interested in doing this or have decided that the mother is just off her rocker and that it’s impossible to develop a good relationship with her. Initiating discussions can be difficult. It might even be like pulling teeth at first, but if you can keep it about the kids and off of your need to be heard, it will get better. But you can’t be fake and you can’t be condescending (of course!). You always have to defer to the fact that mom is mom and anything you say or do can be misinterpreted as invading her emotional place as mother if you’re not careful. I don’t believe that mothers are wired to hate their ex’s new woman. I do believe that mothers (and fathers, for that matter!) are wired to make sure that any person that’s going to play an important role in their kid’s lives is someone who is going to enrich the family structure and not threaten the already delicate balance of a double household. If you’re the type of person who is going to need to feel dominant all of the time, never have the kids on your birthday, or hold grudges against the kids for decisions made by their parents, you’re in for a rough ride. That said, it’s important for your spouse to attend to the demands of a marriage or long-term relationship. Many men are so riddled with guilt about divorce that they become inconsistent in supporting the new woman in their life. While I absolutely believe that it’s important to cut your spouse some slack (i.e., don’t expect them to be a father when the kids are around and then be your Romeo when they’re not), trying to keep it together around the kids or for the kids if you’re being neglected by your spouse is like walking up a very slippery slope. You are a human being with real needs and expectations of your partner, and as sad as it is, there may come a time for you to pull back from the situation. My hand was forced with this for a short time and I removed myself – not entirely, but a lot. I told the kids they’d get to have some alone time Daddy for a little while in a tear-stained letter. I was still talking to them on the phone and going to basketball games and otherwise being there, but my relationship with their Dad needed serious attention. When you are hurting from issues in your relationship with your spouse to the extent that it’s visible during time with the kids, you may have no alternative but to make yourself scarce during their visits. I pray that it never gets to that point for anyone reading this, but it was a painful reality for me. If nasty words are shared in the kitchen and then you’re both supposed to walk out into the living room and be normal, it won’t work for an extended period of time. At that point, I felt like a complete failure. Why did I spend so much time and effort into building a home when I wasn’t wanted? Why did I sacrifice my youth when it would be met with remarks about what he sacrifices every day? I’m happy to report though, that things are so much better now than they would have been had I continued to live in denial about the issues their father and I needed to fix before moving ahead with our lives together. Without he and I facing the very real possibility that I could disappear for good (which makes me nauseous to even think about), there might never have been the motivation to get our relationship really on track. And one hard but good thing that came out of that time is that I think that the kids saw that I would find a way to see them and be there for them even if my relationship with their Dad was on the rocks. When you first get to know your stepchildren, there is that wonderful honeymoon phase where you really are falling in a kind of love with each other. Then, hopefully, they feel safe enough with you that they talk about their confused feelings and ask some tough questions. When I was back in the picture full-time and I was on more solid footing with their Dad, we had another kind of honeymoon and one I wouldn’t trade for the world. Their Dad saw that and valued that too, and now we’re in the day-to-day again, but we’re able to solve problems together and have fun together and relax a lot more. This is immensely rewarding for me, and though I realize that your experience will have its own bumps and treasures along the way, I hope it’s helped. I just want to add a few more odds and ends of advice before I close this advice piece out. When your things begin to disappear, remember that children are not able to buy things for themselves. You may feel angry when that movie or piece of clothing finds its way to the other household, but consider it a complement and another motivator to keep the communication lines open with the other parent so you can ask for your things back. When your spouse is paying child support and then is asked by the children to pay for things like haircuts and clothing, remember that children are expensive and don’t assume that money is being mismanaged by the other parent particularly if the other parent is not remarried. It’s also important to remember that children are not schedulers or planners. Don’t make your kids have conversations with the other parent that you should be having. Children are also not counselors. While it’s important to explain emotional reactions to children, a little goes a long, long way. It’s hard to remember that when your kids are asking these amazingly insightful questions that you can’t imagine even asking your best friend, but what you say about complicated subjects isn’t always going to be understood or “reported” correctly. Lastly, remember that your spouse is very likely trying as hard as he can to make all of these people he loves happy and may not always feel like he’s doing the best job. Putting him in a position of being the referee all of the time adds more stress to an already stressful situation. Pick your battles and be honest with yourself about how critical it really is for him to always be on your side. Your side is, unfortunately, going to have to be equalized with everyone else’s side – unless, of course, it comes to your romantic relationship. If you are in the role of step parent, or something like a step parent, I wish you every success in the world. My walk through this role has been both easier and harder than others, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. This is a contribution to mmcphee's (Mary Ellen's) Advice Write-Off.  |
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