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Tifanei (Review Your Ex-Lovers W/O)Mar 29 '06 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line has since attempted to correct the imbalance.
My relationship with Tifanei was variably the big orgasm of my teenage years. Sexually, everything built up to that relationship; activity increasing in intensity and eccentricity. Afterwards, my hormones calmed down (1). The whole story’s actually quite byzantine, but I’ll plot it out as best I can. It was February, sophomore year. My friend Marshall (who has percolated through many of these stories), was dating Tifanei, who had recently moved into town. The relationship was rather inutile, since Marshall was moving to California in June (we lived in Ohio), but, YA KNOW, It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all (paraphrased?). Tifanei and I rarely talked during the duration of their relationship; she sporadically tossed me enigmatically salacious glances, but I mostly ignored her. At the time, the reasons were left to conjecture, but toward the end of June (after Marshall had moved), Tifanei started talking to me often, and I discovered that she was an incredibly funny and intelligent (she was admitted into Columbia) person. It was odd; she was considerably taciturn socially but quirky and vivacious vis-a-vis/on the phone/online. She and Marshall decided to stay together after he moved, but inevitably departed within two months (2). The school year started, and we started talking more. There was a tacit, but lucid, attraction. Before we even mentioned anything, Marshall denounced the notion. While the relationship was probably eventual, he may have been the catalyst, since 1. He brought the subject out into the air. 2. I was more personally encouraged to ignite something. It's like how some people use drugs simply because they're illegal. You might recall this epinions statement against Marshall: "He knows that she and I are attracted to each other, or whatever, and he knows we're getting closer as friends, so obviously he's getting pretty worried. Suddenly, I've gotten really angry at him for the whole situation. He's told me I can't date her because... he'll never talk to her again or something if I do. He says his mind will just force him to do that if I do. This goes to display Marshall's greatest weakness- he follows his feelings far more than he should. Just because his mind is going to tell him to do that, does not mean he should. Its something he could really easily push past, but because he's never had a knack for doing that, he very much won't do that in the case that we did date, so right here we have a very serious situation. If she and I date, he's going to call me a bad friend or whatever, and we might have some issues as friends, and we might never be such good friends ever again. But, unfortunately for him, I'm telling him he can just shove his rule up his @$$. Why? Not because I want to date her. I never even said I did. Its because he's telling me I CAN'T date her, as a RULE he's making about my dating life- that is what makes me mad. He's not saying "I don't want you to." He's saying I can't. And for a very selfish, easily escapable reason, which I've already mentioned. And I think that if he and I continue as friend, with this rule between us, that our friendship will get worse and worse because I'll get more angry at him for the rule every day, and we'll argue about it frequently. So when the subject comes up again, I'm just telling him- I might not date her, but if the occasion ever comes where we really like each other, I'm not obeying the rule, because even so, that's practically punishing me and possibly preventing me from something great if I do obey it. Maybe you think I'm an @$$hole right now. Maybe you're not questioning the situation enough. Don't people break up for a reason? If we should be faithful to our friends, then shouldn't we make the decisions that would help the friendship best? Isn't he telling me who I can and can't date? Isn't he punishing me for being his friend (in a sense)? That's my logic. And I never even said we're going to date. I just want to get rid of the rule, because its ridiculous to have something like that decaying our friendship. I mean, I love that kid, I don't ever want to lose him as my friend, and I'm not going to let that happen." I still agree with it completely. Tifanei and I hung out twice without "doing anything," but by the third time, we'd made out. And it was fantastic. The drama continued, on epinions: "I made out with my best friend's ex-girlfriend. If you read Issue XX, you know about this whole [thing], and maybe you figured it was bound to happen. Who knows. Anyway, I guess I have some stuff to say about that. I don't have any regrets about it, at all. I didn't see anything wrong about the whole thing, and its kinda personal, and she reads this and I don't want her to get all p*ssed off about it, so I won't get much into it, but usually, when something like this happens, and there seems to be something wrong, I know it in feeling and in reason, and here... I'm not seeing that. I don't know what's going to happen in the future after that event, but I know as far as that happening went, I don't feel bad about it at all. I will tell my best friend, who lives 2350 miles and 34 hours away now, and when I tell him, I'm not going to apologize, because I think his position on the whole thing was just dumb. Instead, the entire time, I'll probably just try to tell him my reasons for what I think about the entire thing. He'll probably be pretty mad. Interesting days are coming... Freakily enough, right after the whole thing, I got into my big white van, and the second I sat down, the phone rang, and calling from across the nation, it was he. Almost reminds you of that happening back in February, no? But there, the message I got (from God), was "Stay away from there." The message I got here (from God) was, "Don't forget about him." And I won't. Marshall's my best friend, and I plan on him being my best friend for the rest of my life, no matter what we happen to disagree on, and I hope this won't cause a huge rift in our friendship, and I think it won't, in the long run." Marshall said, after reading it, he couldn't fight letting a tear trickle down his cheek (yes, I felt bad). So, a half-relationship started. Because Tifanei didn't "want a relationship," it remained... a half-relationship. Once, near the beginning, she messed around with this one fella, Anthony, but told him they were done because of me. So, uh, I guess that's elating. Right? I don't know. Almost every weekend, I'd drive over to a parking lot across from Tifanei's apartment complex (3), walk to Tifanei's house, pick her up, walk over to my van in the parking lot, and within minutes we'd begin making out. Sure, that was great, as I'd rank Tifanei #1 for Most Fun Women to Make Out With... but the routine became dry and empty. There needs to be some balance, and this is usually the conundrum which terminates all of my relationships. It was also slightly frustrating; Tifanei desperately wanted to lose her virginity, and daily requested that we have sex. I always resisted (memories of Heather's phone-ringing incident haunted me). Marshall's incessant pestering also exacerbated the situation. Yeah, I broke up with her, writing: "Tifanei. You know, that girl who was my best friend's serious ex-girlfriend, my best friend who seems to still care a bit of a grudge against me about that whole event, although he can't seem to give me a reason as to why the whole thing was "wrong." When he realized that I wouldn't have cared in his situation, he said he did "because he cares about the things that matter." Why does it matter? Because society says so? So I'm about to say a whole big thing about that whole situation with Tifanei. And Tifanei, I know you've heard most of this, but I hope you read it anyway, and if you have a problem with me talking about it, then just accept the fact that once you become a part of my life you become a part of my writing :). Tifanei and I had a sorta relationship going on. It was rather strange, really. It started out with us kinda liking each other and expressing those feelings towards each other. Then we made out. She didn't want a boyfriend, and I didn't think it'd be the best idea at the time either, so we didn't do what society's term of is "going out." Tifanei and I carried this sort of half-relationship going on for a while- at school, we'd just meet each other in the hallways and just stand there and talk about things that didn't matter at all, then walk away. People who saw us in the hallway would probably think "Hey, those kids probably have something going on, but I have no idea what the hell it is, because it doesn't LOOK like they have anything going on, it's just that I see them there everyday." So at school, we didn't really act like we had anything. Alone together, you could say we did. And for the first three times we were alone together, I could sense romance, emotion, a connection, and the what not. The third time, I REALLY started to like her. And then came the fourth time. Somehow, something seemed wrong about that time, and after that, the way we were at school just seemed different. It seemed a lot more like she wasn't in the mood to talk to me. I asked her about this and she said she had no idea what I was talking about, but she was sorry it seemed that way. As time progressed, I just started to feel as if there wasn't a emotional-sexual balance in what we had, and eventually the sexual side of it really took over (no, I didn't go down her pants, or vice versa; you know my rules), and there didn't seem to be enough emotion going through us whenever we kissed. Tifanei is one of the coolest people I know. She's one of those friends I'd want to have like fifty years from now. I was afraid that the sexuality of our relationship would really mess up that friendship, and losing that friendship just wouldn't be worth the cost. So, I called our short "romance" off for that sake. And that sucked, because I like Tifanei, and I like her a lot, and the sort of relationship I had with her is something I probably wouldn't get a second chance at. But I think it was worth it for the sake of staying good friends with her. It really kills me to break up/calling things off with girls, and thinking back on it, I've been the one that's done that the past five girls I've "been with." Man, that makes me feel like an @$$hole. And its at a point where they really don't want it to be called off, and so on... ugh. Maybe I have some sort of complex or something. Perhaps I think that the relationships that don't work out as perfectly as I plan them to just can't work at all. I don't know. *sigh* " Sucks, right? She wasn't satisfied. Neither was I, actually. Thus, it wasn't long before: "'Wow, I'm a f*cking idiot.' -Smithy thinks through that whole damn thing Heather, prays it doesn't happen again (and given her determination, probably won't) with Tifanei. Figured this would happen. Just did, because I'm Tom, and I figure these things will happen, and because I think they will, I guess they do. Tifanei and I decided to hang out Sunday. It was interesting, the *flirtatious* activity that took place in a no-sexual-activity environment, and then I got to that damn thinking system of "how much I'd like to kiss her one last time/again." And through my way of getting these things to happen, it did. She was confused. She seemed in a way... a bit mad on the inside. But... yeah. Why don't I ever listen to the angel on my shoulder? Angel: Tom, you don't need to kiss her again. Devil: Dude, just one more time. You know she'll want to. Angel: Tom, you need to move on. If you want to ensure a good friendship with Tifanei for a long time and not make an idiot out of yourself, don't kiss her. Devil: Man, you KNOW Tifanei's the best kisser. Angel: You'll be a hypocrite. Devil: No, you'll just be changing your mind. Angel: You'll make it harder to move on to another girl, and if a situation with another girl arises, your friendship with Tifanei could get in the way. Devil: So? Two girls is better than one. Angel: Two girls f*cks up the chance of having one. Devil: You still like her. Angel: It doesn't matter if you like her. The angel is so straightforward and factual, but the devil is so easily able to use emotions to coerce me into making the decision that I know is wrong. He's quite a master. If only the angel could create a way that the big head would be better than the little one... but he has not succeeded. So I probably just endangered the chance of a seriously long lasting friendship with Tifanei given the awkwardness between us after the given situation and at school today, and if I did, I guess that's just the consequence that came. I hope that is not how it turns out however, and I'll try to make sure that's not how it does. I don't know how the awkwardness will get in the way. My email to Tifanei afterwards: "So I'm an idiot." Her response: "Not quite, but not far." I hate how she can outsmart me sometimes with a better synopsis. [Marshall], if I was you, I'd find this humorous." I started dating Whitney again (more here and here). Tifanei accused me of aggravating our conversations so that I could date Whitney idyllically, which couldn't have been farther from the truth---our arguments were merely bi-products of an oversexualized relationship. The Whitney ordeal ended. Tifanei and I started again. Knowing that she didn't really want to jump back in, every time after the four-or-five other instances where we made out, she'd bury her head into me and say, "I hate you." I didn't completely understand the implications of this until months later. Everything became weird. One day she called it off, then called it, uh, on, the next day. Our online conversations seemed like perpetual arguments. It all, more or less, ended when I stopped by her apartment before work, and she spent the entire 45-minutes-ish scolding me and telling me to look into her eyes (4). I can't recall exactly what conclusion she was trying to reach; I just knew it was over. This was fine by me. Tifanei, at this point, seemed like an entirely different person, having mixed into a crowd I didn't much appreciate (the gangstas) and often blowing me off for her friends. Of course, being my pathetic self, it wasn't long before I requested that we make out again (to which she accepted, but it never happened). Since then we've maintained a disagreeable, but relatively peaceful, half-friendship (from half-relationship to half-friendship). We hung in the July after the event; there was moderate flirtation , but that was all (5). As far as reviewing actually goes, there's much to be said for this relationship. It was highly lascivious, but the activity was so high-quality that it almost immediately earns a recommendation (I can't state this seriously enough). Tifanei was also hilarious, talented (she can bark and make it sound exactly like a dog), and very smart (Columbia, as I mentioned). But here was the frustrating part: Tifanei was embarassed of me. She considered herself black, and she considered me white (6). I found it incredibly fishy that she never admitted to her succeeding boyfriends, or present friends, the status of our relationship. She also never even told me that we were in something, even though we were holding hands in school and messing around almost every weekend. The fact that she called her next partner, who she considered black, a "boyfriend," leads me to believe that there were, and are, racial factors in the way she graded our relationship. Even now, when she and I are on optimal post-relationship terms, she doesn't admit anything. I personally think that's fucked up, and dishonest. But if I had regrets, Tifanei would not be one of them. There were even times when I'd intensely wished for us to be back together. While the shame she felt makes her lose points, overall, she was a rewarding experience. Just remember to be cautious if she'd consider you white. Rating: 3/5 Stars Other Rating: B- Recommended: Yes 1. Ages 15 to 19 are generally agreed upon to be the human male’s sexual peak (35 to 40 for women, I believe). I was 16.5 to 16.8 during the relationship; that means I peak-peaked at 17 and have been losing libido since. 2. The reasons for this, to me, are entirely unclear. They knew they mightn’t be able to see each other for six months to two years, and both knew they’d eventually break up. Tifanei said to me, “I wanted to have my heart broken,” and Marshall has never exactly explained it. 3. To deflect any poverty stereotyping, Tifanei's family makes a shitload of money. Because they'd so recently moved into town, they were living in an apartment complex while looking for a house. 4. This is something I've always found difficult. Looking into someone's eyes when I talk becomes weird after a certain amount of time. I'm not timid or rude; this is a natural habit. 5. She had a boyfriend, though I doubt this changed anything. He sent me an instant message afterwards, saying I should respect him, because I did confess to considering going up her shirt (she (half-?)jokingly offered it). I told him I did respect him, by not acting upon it. He said I shouldn't have event considered (fair enough). However, we ended the conversation amicably. A few weeks later, for money, I was even supposed to pick him up from his house and drive him over to Tifanei's. However, he wasn't at his house. 6. I use the term "consider" with race so frequently because I don't believe in race. Studies have found that race doesn't exist, and philosophically, it doesn't even make sense to say it does. Has labeling people moved us in a good direction? "Racial relations" are stagnant. My goal in life is to promulgate and encourage my color-blind philosophy, though I'm aware of potential failures. Review Your Ex-Lovers W/O  |
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