Who the F*** is Dick Dangerous? - The Turtle Writes Off

Mar 31, 2006

The Bottom Line The Mysterious Mr Turtlewind invites you to celebrate the life and times of the esteemed Mr Dick Dangerous.

So who the f**k is Dick Dangerous? How would you describe this cold a**

Dick Dangerous is an uncouth rascal from the barely civilised continent of America. He apparently fights crime in Finchley, but last time I was in Finchley the toilets were full of people doing things to each other’s bottoms. He is clearly not doing a very good job.

Apparently his distinguishing feature is that he has the name of God tattooed on his bottom. Once I thought he might have been stealing my soul by night like in Bubba Ho-Tep so I scampered heroically round a building site pulling gentlemens’ trousers down to try and unmask him. The bruises still haven’t so much as faded, to this day.

If you could be Dick Dangerous for a day what would you do? Don't make me
make out with 50: I still haven't gotten over that one.

I would probably have naughty-bumpy with M’s mother. My own mother was a slatternly wench from savage Derbyshire, and I have issues. Every night she’d give me a glass of milk saying it would help me grow into a big strong man. Lying b*tch.

Which Dick Dangerous character would you most like to be in an adult
situation with? Maybe I should add the proviso apart from me - that's a

Adult situation? We’re all grown-ups here! Oh, he means like Dutch Dorms Pet Parlour IV, which is my favourite documentary. Probably M’s mother, or maybe Ern. We could go and probe some crime!

Who is your favorite Dick Dangerous character? What's your flavor?

Mr Cinquante Centime’s continuing obliviousness to his abiding unpopularity never fails to tickle the Turtle’s chuckle muscles. I also have a soft spot for Bruce Fearless, whose tireless dedication to promoting man-wombat love is a beacon in a grey world of ignorant prejudice.

Which is your favorite Dick Dangerous review? Everyone gotta have a

Oh, goodness me, that is a poser. I was quite fond of the adventure where Dick encountered three spirits and Death demanded porn. That was more than usually tittersome, oh yes.

Which celebrity would you most like Dick Dangerous to take out? Don't chose
Sean Connery or Dick And Dom, we done them good.

I think Dick Dangerous should probably take out Keira Knightley, as she has been quite unlucky in love of late and a few hours in the company of a soldier of fortune with his own hip-hop crew and a mysterious benefactor would cheer her up no end. Take her out for yummy chicken in Finchley Road, Dick.

Which Epinionator would you most like Dick Dangerous to take out? Go on,
let's play naughty. I like that sh*t.

Dick, can you please do naughty things to the bottom of sleeper54? He doesn’t make a whole lot of sense and I think he fancies me.

Which category should Dick Dangerous be Advisor for? I am caring and
sharing, after all.

I think we all know the answer to this one! Dick should clearly be the Advisor for the Kids and Family section, as he has such a love of language and could teach the world’s children some really interesting words. Like flange. And felching.

If you suspected one person on Epinions of being Dick Dangerous, who would
it be? Some of y'all got identity problems where I'm concerned.

I’m Dick Dangerous! And so’s my wife!

Which Epinions reviewer most deserves a big Dick Dangerous shout-out?

Rated-r, for also being utterly incomprehensible. He doesn’t think God exists, but he is best friends with Dick Dangerous who is God. And me, of course, and I am worshipped by a small tribe in Bognor who call me Dances With Scorpions. But you know me, I don’t brag.

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