How to Kill Someone in Ten Easy Lessons
May 14, 2006 (Updated May 16, 2006)
The Bottom Line This is a list of my favorite hitman movies
If you have googled this review of my top ten favorite movies about hitmen to learn how to kill someone, we have your ISP address, and the police are coming to your home now. If on the other hand, you want to know my favorite movies about one of the world's oldest professions (No, not that one, mans other preoccupation), hitmen. Since Cain killed Abel, history is full of man killing his fellow man. This is my top ten list of hired killers. Professionals, hitmen, assassins, world class assassins, mechanics, cleaners, facilitators of fatalities, whatever you want to call those that kill others for a living. Many movies have been done on this profession, and this is my list of my favorites.
Number 10: The Mechanic (1972 directed by Michael Winner) This was one of the first hitman movies I ever saw. Charles Bronson played Arthur Bishop, a nearly retired "Mechanic". Bronson was always cool, calm and collected as he showed a young protogee (Jan-Michael Vincent) the art of his profession.
Lesson 1: A well placed car bomb will always do the trick.
Number 9: Long Kiss Goodnight (1996 directed by Renny Harlin). Samantha Caine (Geena Davis) plays a homemaker who has a happy life, but due to amnesia cannot recall her past life. She recalls the details of her past life in time to protect herself from others who remember her past life as well, and would like to see her dead.
Lesson #2 Knives aren't just for chefs!
Number 8: La Femme Nikita (1990 written and directed by Luc Besson) Noone would want to accuse the professional hitman union of sex discrimination, and La Femme Nikita is about a government trained assassin. Nikita (Anne Parillaud) is beautiful and deadly. This premise of a femme fatale proved popular and was also remade as 1993's Point of No Return with Bridget Fonda, and a TV series.
Lesson #3:Walk up to the target in sexy evening dress in crowded upscale restaurant. Shoot target in head with pistol. Leave through bathroom.
Number 7: The Matador (2005 written and directed by Richard Shepard). Pierce Brosnan plays a "facilitator of fatalities" in this unusual take on the killing industry. His character Julian Noble is somewhat of a loser, and his friendship with regular businessman Danny Wright (Greg Kinnear) made this film very entertaining.
Lesson #4: Stake out area that client visits. Find clear area high with view of client. Use high powered sniper rifle. Breath deep, take client out with one shot to the head.
Number 6: Lucky Number Slevin (2006 directed by Paul McGuigan) Bruce Willis plays a World Class Assassin in this very clever plot twisted movie about a rivalry between two criminal leaders played by Morgan Freeman and Sir Ben Kingsley. Trapped between the two is unlucky Mr. Slevin played by Josh Hartnett. I had a great deal of fun watching this movie. Slevin is hired by one boss to kill the son of the other boss.
Lesson# 5: Get close to target, allow target to trust you. Quickly pull out gun and shoot target twice to the head and twice to the chest. If target has protection, wait for them to burst into room. Stand in wait with two automatic pistols. Fill security guards with lead as they enter room. Blow up room.
Number 5: The Bourne Identity (2002 directed by Doug Liman) Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) awakes on a fishing vessel with amnesia. As he recovers and trys to restart his life, he begins to recall that he is a very deadly highly trained CIA assassin. This was one of the most action filled films I have seen in a while, and I firmly believe that Bourne could kick Bond's butt.
Lesson #6 A strong background in Martial Arts is very helpful for quickly taking out armed opponents.
Number 4 The Jackal (1997 directed by Michael Caton-Jones) Bruce Willis makes his first appearance as a world class assassin in this enertaining "remake" of Day of the Jackal. Although it didn't have the same class as the original, this was a great film to watch as the Jackal is hired, not to kill the French Prime Minister, but the U.S. head of the F.B.I. Richard Gere plays the detective hired to track him.
Lesson #7 Sneak across U.S. Canadian border. Frequently change disguises and identities. Place unassembled gun in sail boat assembly. Assemble gun in van near sight that target will speak at. Set up remote control assembly. Use remote to fire gun at target.
Number 3: The Day of the Jackal (1973 directed by Fred Zinnemann based on the Novel by Frederick Forsyth). I am glad I saw this after the remake, because I probably wouldn't have enjoyed the remake as much. This great movie rendition of a professional assassin known only as "the Jackal" was an outstanding cat and mouse game. The Jackal (Edward Fox) moves closer and closer to his target, Charles de Gaulle, the president of France, while being pursued by the French police. This movie is played very seriously and is set in locations throughout Europe. Although it plays out slowly, the film was always very taut and suspenseful.
Lesson #8:Change identities constantly. Kill any person who can compromise your identity. Rent a hotel room along the path that your target will travel. Use special made sniper rifle to take target out.
Number 2: Pulp Fiction (1994 written and directed by Quentin Tarantino) My favorite hitmen, the philisophical Jules Winnfield (Samuel L. Jackson) and his chatty partner Vincent Vega (John Travola) made this Tarantino movie into a big hit. Vinnie You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with cheese? Jules They don't call it a quarter pounder with cheese?
Lesson #9: Enter as team with pistols drawn. Question targets. Eat target's tasty burgers and drinks. Converse with them.Joke around a bit. Quote scriptures that aren't actually even in the bible. Shoot to the head.
Number 1: Leon - The Professional (1994 written and directed by Luc Besson) Jean Reno is a Professional hitman living in New York. (he calls himself a "Cleaner") He meets young Matilda, played by the ever talented Natalie Portman in her first role. Leon takes in Matilda after her family is gunned down by a corrupt DEA official. Detective Stanfield, for the record, is played by Gary Oldman, in the bad guy role of his career. You don't like Beethoven! You don't know what you're missing. Overtures like that get my juices flowing. So powerful. But after his openings, to be honest, he does tend to get a little f*cking boring. That's why I stopped!.
Lesson #10: Trick client into opening apartment door. Cut through door chain with wire clippers. Enter apartment, shoot client with shot to chest and second "security" shot also to chest or head.
There you have it, ten films about ten hitmen. Remember killing (for money or otherwise) is illegal and immoral.