Top Ten Codependent Love Songs: Meagan's List
Jun 18 '06
The Bottom Line Co-dependency is (1) a psychological condition in which someone exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for other people's struggles; and (2) an addictive personal relationship.
We’ve all loved and lost and when that loss is coupled with rejection and abandonment issues from the past, the many colors of our codependence can really begin to shine through. Without some outlet of expression, our feelings can take more inappropriate forms, such as breaking every plate and vase in the house until the police are called for instance. Or drafting suicide notes.
These are just a few inappropriate behaviors I pulled off the top of my head.
Music has a way of reinforcing or sublimating a many psychological conditions, including codependence. We know we’re not completely crazy if Billie Holiday and Trent Reznor feel the same way as we do, and when we’re forced to spend a quiet night by ourselves, these Top Ten Codependent Love Songs can make the bitter pill of disappointing love relationships just a little bit easier to swallow.
I tend to jump from one genre to the next when I’m in one of my Adult Child of an Alcoholic “moods,” but I hope that those in need of a codependent love song will find at least a few to sing when times get tough.
Maps – Yeah Yeah Yeahs
I stumbled upon this group at iTunes of all places and this song, along with my iPod Nano, are the two things for which I’ll be eternally grateful to Apple. A grrrrl-led garage band with punch, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs are a tangy confection with The Pretenders’ Chrissie Hynde and indie-pop bands like The Wedding Present rolled up into one.
Though Maps has some unmistakable grunge rock elements, it would by no means be considered one of the band’s deepest cuts. It has just enough edge to bypass mainstream radio play and just enough formulaic build and longing to make the rejected codependent women in the house feel they’ve finally found their anthem.
If you're downloading the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, why not add Gold Lion to your cart? You won't be disappointed.
Closer – Nine Inch Nails
Johnny Cash covered Trent Reznor for a reason. The raw, unbridled pain and catchy beats are still hot. Let’s face it: Trent Reznor is sexy. His angry lyrics are beyond trite, but the emotion is still palpable because the guy knows how to build a song. There’s no shortage of codependent love songs in the Nine Inch Nails library, but Closer was definitely the pinnacle of Reznor’s lyrical bravery and musical creativity.
Fun fact: I fake fainted in the front row at a Nine Inch Nails concert at the Metro in Chicago just because I wanted Trent to see me after attempting to lock eyes with him for an hour. Funner Fact: I’d probably still do the same thing if the opportunity presented itself today. Songs like Sin, Down In It, Somewhat Damaged and Terrible Lie continue to make my regressive adolescent episodes hurt so good, but Closer will always take the cake.
Love Will Tear Us Apart Again – Joy Division
Trent Reznor covered Joy Division for a reason. The band whose metamorphosis into the poppy, melancholy techno band New Order had roots in dark clubs driven by Ian Curtis’s dragging, suicidal vocals. This song foreshadows the New Order sound better than any other Joy Division song I’ve ever heard, but it still leaves me wondering what Joy Division could have been had Curtis not committed suicide in 1980. My other favorite Joy Division songs (Dead Souls, Disorder, Heart and Soul, She’s Lost Control) are so depressing, I can hardly bear to listen to them. Love Will Tear Us Apart Again is still dark with tinny, detached vocals, but it’s at least tolerable.
It’s difficult to believe that this kind of pain and power came out of such a beautiful mouth. His youthful face (depicted at http://joydivision.homestead.com/) betrays the depth of his experience.
Black Coffee – To Be Determined
Would the right person please cover this song? K.D. Lang does the best job of the bunch, but all the versions I could find are live. A live version of Black Coffee is nearly an oxymoron.
Tricky’s eerie version of this classic song appeals to me in ways that even Ella Fitzgerald’s doesn’t. Ella just always sounds so polished and upbeat to me, and while her timing is far superior to Martina Topley Bird’s, Martina’s lilting vocals and Tricky’s menacing backbeats create an entire scene of desolation. I’d actually prefer it if Martina would record this song acappella or with a straight jazz band, though, because Tricky’s once progressive beats have really begun to show their age.
Peggy Lee’s got the vulnerability, but not the grit. Rosemary Clooney’s got a little bit of grit, but almost no vulnerability. Sarah Vaughn’s version is gorgeous, but her bands are always playing a tempo that’s too skippy for these lyrics.
Paging Ani DiFranco: We need the perfect version of Black Coffee. Someone who really has been talking to the shadows from one o’clock to four would be great. Someone who really has hung out on Monday their Sunday dreams to dry would be even better.
Maybe you’d like to take a stab at recording one of the best codependent love songs ever made. Here are the gutwrenching lyrics:
I'm feeling mighty lonesome
Haven't slept a wink
I walk the floor and watch the door
And in between I drink
Black coffee
Love's a hand me down brew
I'll never know a Sunday
In this weekday room.
I'm talking to the shadows
from 1 o'clock til 4
And lord, how slow the moments go
When all I do is pour
Black coffee
Since the blues caught my eye
I'm hanging out on Monday
My Sunday dreams to dry
Now a man is born to go a lovin'
A woman's born to weep and fret
To stay at home and tend her oven
And drown her past regrets
In coffee and cigarettes
I'm mooning all the morning
and mourning all the night
And in between it's nicotine
And not much heart to fight
Black coffee
Feelin' low as the ground
It's driving me crazy just waiting for my baby
To maybe come around... around
I'm waiting for my baby
To maybe come around
My nerves have gone to pieces
My hair is turning gray
All I do is drink black coffee
Since my man's gone away
I Cover the Waterfront - Billie Holiday
I don’t believe that there is another song by the Great Lady Day that captures the child-like hope and need that I Cover the Waterfront does. Billie’s waiting for her lover and is 150 percent woman, but she also sounds like an abandoned 5 year-old waiting for her father when she sings:
“Where are you?
Have you forgotten?
Will you remember?
Will you return?”
Even songs like My Man and All of Me can’t compare. I Cover the Waterfront is an incredible love song for people with serious abandonment issues. Just add a few glasses of red wine and dim lighting for a really, really good cry.
Tainted Love – Soft Cell
Oh yes I did. C’mon. Don’t hold the facts that it’s been overplayed and sampled by Rianna against it. It’s one of the greatest codependent love songs of all time. Gloria Gaynor can keep the key to her house, and Alanis Morrissette can screw anyone she pleases in a movie theatre, but I’m singin’ to a different kind of user. You know who you are. Once I ran to you, but now I run from you. I gave you all a boy could give you. Take these tears and that’s not nearly all! Tainted Love.
I also love the fact that this is a terrific karaoke song, even though I’m way too chicken to attempt karaoke in public. After a few drinks in the privacy of my own home though, I’m a star. I should really advertise and start charging admission.
Come by any night at around 9.
This Must Be The Place (Naïve Melody) – Talking Heads
You know the point at which you are so utterly exhausted from fighting and want nothing more than to pretend nothing ever happened? When you just crawl into bed again and tell yourself it’ll all be o.k. in the morning? Well, this song takes even the most knocked-down-dragged-out soul and feeds it with a healthy dose of denial and sunshine.
David Byrne is so quirky and silly and happy. Lyrics like:
Home is where I want to be
Pick me up and turn me round
I feel numb - burn with a weak heart
(So I) guess I must be having fun
The less we say about it the better
Make it up as we go along
Feet on the ground
Head in the sky
It's ok I know nothing's wrong . . nothing
. . .Well, they make even the worst fights seem inconsequential when compared to the love you feel for each other.
Help Me – Joni Mitchell
Sometimes you want to kid yourself into thinking you’re one step ahead of the game. Being “cool” with understanding that your lover may be out “dancin’ with the lady with the hole in her stocking” is a temporary illusion at best, but if that’s where you are at the moment, Joni Mitchell’s Help Me is an honest guilty pleasure that serves as a bittersweet counterpoint to songs like “All I Want.” The song gets added sensuality from the smooth keyboard of the same man who played on songs like Marvin Gaye’s You Sure Love to Ball.
The way Joni can hold a note when she sings “Do ya feel good? Didn’t it feel good?” is sometimes the strongest middle finger in a song we can muster up. It also equalizes the playing field by turning the “you” that loves “your” freedom in the first verse into the “we” that loves “our” freedom. If you’re looking for license to screw around on the person that’s cheated on you, here is your prescription.
Last Goodbye – Jeff Buckley
Unfortunately, this is yet another song featuring a lead vocalist who committed suicide. This song has special significance for me and many others whose hand has been forced in a relationship. You just wanna say, “If it’s so damn good, [insert name here], then why the f are you saying goodbye? How do wedding bells give you clues about me not being the gal for you?”
There are few codependent songs that manage to say goodbye while screeching “Ki-iss me, Ple-ase kiss me, Kiss me out of desire . . .” with that signature believability that keeps us coming back to dead-end relationships for more. Buckley’s insistence that two people so in love can still not know each other from a post resonates nicely for the codependent who has projected every other person in his or her life onto her lover before realizing that he/she has totally missed out on the substance that is the projector screen.
Very sad song. Don’t download it unless the relationship really is over, and listen with caution. Keep a list of “drinking and dialing” numbers close by your side just to be safe.
Rhythm of the Saints – Paul Simon
“What?!” you say. “This song is too soothing to be on the Top Ten List of Codependent Love Songs, Meagan. What were you thinking?”
Well, I’ll tell you what I was thinking. This song gave me the hope to get through a break up from someone I loved very dearly. I’m delighted to report that it ended up being only a “break” but I don’t know how I would have gotten through that break without this song.
To sing, “Do my prayers remain unanswered? Like a beggar at your sleeve . . .” may just give you the strength “to overcome an obstacle or an enemy, to dominate the impossible in your life.”
Anything you can do to avoid self-destruction and breaking laws is best, and music can be a pretty powerful source of strength in times of pain. I hope you enjoyed my little Top Ten list and I hope you’ll add more in the comments section of this review. These are only the ones I have the pleasure of listening to on my iPod at 29 years old. I’m sure there are many, many more and if we can expand it to a Top 25 via the comments section, I’ll be thrilled.
Wish I could have fit some Cat Power, Mazzy Starr, P. J. Harvey or old school Tori Amos to this list, but they're just too emotinally healthy to make the cut.
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