Give me back my baby : Dealing with a miscarriageOct 06 '06 (Updated Jul 02 '09) Write an essay on this topic.The Bottom Line Take time to grieve, and take time to yourself. Life will go on no matter what and you are never alone. I saw this topic on Epinions and I figured that I am more than qualified to write about this topic and this is difficult for me but here it goes….. My Story My name is Minni and I have had 10 pregnancies that has given me 3 living children. In 1993 I became pregnant just before my husband and I became married. I was elated to say the least. I did everything just as the books tell you too. I stopped smoking, I watched what I ate, I quit caffeine all together. I went to my first Dr’s appointment and learned that I was 8 weeks along and to my surprise there were 2 in there. I was in a bit of shock at first but quickly came around. At 11 weeks I had some bleeding and another ultrasound was done and to our shock once more we learned there was not 2, there were 3 little baby’s in there. Spontaneous triplets as my Dr. called them. Everything seemed to be going smoothly till around 18 weeks when I became very ill and started bleeding badly. I was rushed to the ER and informed that baby B (Brandon) had passed, there was no heart beat and he was only measuring 11 weeks. But Baby A (Abigail) and baby C (Briana) seemed to be doing great and were both measuring with in a week of each other. I was sent home and placed on bed rest. 1 week to the day I was back at the Dr’s office for yet another ultrasound and was immediately sent to the local hospital. Abigail had no heart beat and Briana’s rate was extremely slow. I was told there was really no hope except to place me on steroids and hope that Briana pulled through. After 8 days in the hospital Briana passed as well. I was devastated and more crushing news was to come. My Dr. informed me that they would have to induce and I would have to deliver my babies. 4 hours later I delivered 3 of the most perfectly beautiful babies I have ever seen. I was informed by my Dr. that since they were not yet considered 20 weeks old, I could not take them home for a service but the hospital would have a combined service for all the babies under 20 weeks. I was to young and to stupid to know that I could have fought that tooth and toe nail. I was told they couldn’t find a reason for my loss, there were chromosomal defects, no reasoning for it at all. Then my Dr informed me that I had a horned uterus and that I would never have children. 6 years later I became pregnant again… I went to the same Dr. she immediately told me that due to my past history I wouldn’t carry this baby to term and I should abort. I was bewildered at her statement and promptly left her office and made an appointment with another OB to get a second opinion. Dr. #2 did an Ultrasound and told me there was no heart beat and that I had a blighted ovum and that we should schedule the D&C right away. I wouldn’t hear of it, I couldn’t believe that God would let me conceive again if I wasn’t meant to have this child. One week later I visited a 3rd Dr. and there on the US screen was a moving baby with a very fast heart rate. I kept thinking thank you God for this miracle. Today, my blighted ovum is 7 years old. When Wayne was 2 years old we began trying to conceive yet again. In February 2003 I was elated to learn that I was pregnant again only to once more have my hopes dashed when I started bleeding heavily at 5 weeks and a miscarriage was confirmed. I wasn’t phased, we kept right on trying and in April 2003 we once again had a miscarriage at 5 weeks. I was beginning to give up hope of ever having another baby and at the same time I felt selfish for wanting another child when I already had one and a lot of women never even get the chance to have one baby. I went to the Dr again, I was placed on Femara and it never made me ovulate and the Dr wouldn’t change me to Clomid because I had cyst on my ovaries. One day I was telling some friends of mine about my history and the things the Dr has been telling me and one of them looked over at me and said “Minni, you have PCOS” (Poly cystic Ovary Syndrome) I had never heard of such a thing before and she handed me a card that had the web site http://austinpcos.org and I went and checked it out. I finally went to my Dr and told him that “I think I have PCOS” and he informed me that I did but he didn’t bring it up because it wasn’t relevant. Never mind the fact that most women with PCOS have infertility issues as well as a high miscarriage rate due to low progesterone. I promptly searched for yet another Dr. and discovered a wonderful Dr in Austin that specialized in issues such as PCOS. He placed me on Clomid and Progesterone and 2 months after seeing him in 2004 I became pregnant with Madeline who is now 2 years old. Shortly after the birth of Madeline I was shocked to learn that I was pregnant yet again. And in September of 2004 at 9 weeks there was no heart beat and a D & C was scheduled. I decided in my heart that it was just to soon and I tried to move on. In December of 2004 I once again ended up in the ER with heavy bleeding and cramping and yet another miscarriage was confirmed at 5 weeks. At this point I was pretty much adamant about having another child so I started the whole cycle again, the charting, the temping and logging intercourse. I became almost obsessed once again, peeing on a stick every day from 4 days before I was late all the way till the old hag showed up, dreading the 2 week wait etc. etc. In March of 2005 I lost another one at 8 weeks along and had D & C on March 30th. This time a Chromosomal defect was detected called Trisomy 13, basically the baby had no 13th chromosome. I was once again in a puddle of self pity and devastation. 30 days later I was more bound and determined to have another child. In June 2005 I became pregnant again, walking on pins and needles, scared at every little tinge of pain, every tiny bit of spotting and dreading what each Dr’s appointment would bring. Then on March 14th 2006 our little Noe was born happy and healthy and I breathed a sigh of relief. What I felt After my first loss being so devastating to me I didn’t think I could ever feel pain like that again. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I didn’t eat, I didn’t drink, I just laid there, day after day until a friend of mine convinced me to talk to someone about it. I decided to finally see someone about my issues and it really helped me a lot. Each miscarriage I have had has made me mad as hell that my body is not doing what it was meant to do. And to make matters worse, each miscarriage seemed to make more and more people around me become stupid. I have heard it all “Everything happens for a reason”, “You are young, you can try again”, “You can always have another one”, “It’s not like you need another baby right now anyway”, “at least you didn’t know your baby”, “It is for the best”. Etc. Etc. And every single time I heard these, all I could thing of was reaching out and punching that person in the face. I know that these people were just trying to be helpful and they don’t really mean to be stupid but a lot of times they just don’t know what to say to someone who has just suffered a loss, especially if they have never suffered one themselves. It took me a while each time to understand that this was not my fault. I did need time to heal and over time the pain has subsided but I remember the due dates of every loss and I think of them every year. What not to say to someone who has suffered a loss You can always have another. I don't want another baby, I want this baby. Now you have an angel looking after you. I don't want an angel, I want my baby back. It's for the best. Best for whom? At least you didn't know your baby. Whether I held me baby in my arms or only in my mind, this baby is real. There must have been something wrong Wrong with me? No Sh**! Did you do something you weren't supposed to do? Did I cause this? How could I have hurt my baby? I understand how you feel. Do you really? Even if you have had a miscarriage, every one feels their grief uniquely. Have you ever thought of not having children Yes, I probably have but how is this supposed to help me? At least it happened early As opposed to what? Happening later when I was holding the baby? It wasn't really a baby yet Really? What was it then? An alien? At least you know you can get pregnant Yeah, I also know I can miscarry as well. There was something wrong with it and you're body was just doing it's job My body’s job is to abort my child? It wasn’t meant to be Why would you even consider saying this? Things you should say to someone who has suffered a loss Do call her and tell her you are sorry for her loss. Do send her a card or flowers to show you care Do let her talk as much as she needs to or wants to but don’t be upset if she doesn’t want to talk. Remember, each person grieves differently. Do give her a hug to let her know you care. Do offer to help with housework, babysitting or other things that she may not feel up to doing. Do acknowledge her baby. It is okay to say I don’t know what to say or I don’t know how to help. Do call and check up on her. The pain does not go away in a couple days. Do acknowledge the father, after all he is grieving for a loss as well. Do help them plant a flower or tree in memory of their child. Loss support If you have had a loss or know someone that has, it is helpful to have people who understand your pain and your loss. There are numerous groups out there that can help you. http://www.fertilityfriend.com has an excellent loss support group. http://www.baby center.com another great site for moms and loss support groups. http://www.epigee.org/fetal/coping.html http://www.ivillage.com/ Most importantly, when suffering from a loss whether it is an early miscarriage, or still birth or infancy death, take time to grieve. You can’t move on with your life no matter how painful it may be, if you don’t take the time to grieve over your lost little one. Remember, you are not alone in your suffering. If you or someone you know has suffered a loss this is a letter that they can share with family and friends to avoid those “stupid” comments that are often made. What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss: A letter from women to their friends and family When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe. This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss. When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope. Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible. Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out. Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children. Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father? Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her. Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours. Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age. Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently. Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me. Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died " or "when I was pregnant " don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone. Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine. Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen. Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter. Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that. Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while. If you're my boss or my co-worker: Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition. Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space. Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while." Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me. Update: On June 12th, 2007 I yet again welcomed a 4th child into this world. 11 Pregnancies and 4 children and I am happy and content and so done :) A poem JUST SAY -" I'M SORRY" IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL- PLEASE DON'T TELL ME THAT YOU DO THERE'S JUST ONE WAY TO K NOW- HAVE YOU LOST A CHILD TOO? "YOU'LL HAVE ANOTHER CHILD"- MUST I HEAR THIS EVERYDAY? CAN I GET ANOTHER PARENT TOO- IF MINE SHOULD PASS AWAY? "DON'T SAY IT WAS GOD'S WILL"- THAT'S NOT THE GOD I KNOW WOULD GOD ON PURPOSE BREAK MY HEART- THEN WATCH AS MY TEARS FLOW? "YOU HAVE AN ANGEL IN HEAVEN- A PRECIOUS CHILD ABOVE" BUT TELL ME, WHO HERE ON EARTH SHALL I GIVE THIS LOVE? "AREN'T YOU BETTER YET"- IS THAT WHAT I HEARD YOU SAY? NO A PART OF MY HEART ACHES- I'LL ALWAYS FEEL SOME PAIN YOU THINK THAT SILENCE IS KIND; BUT IT HURTS ME EVEN MORE I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY CHILD WHO HAS GONE THROUGH DEATH'S DOOR DON'T SAY THESE THINGS TO ME, ATHOUGH YOU MEAN WELL THEY DO NOT TAKE MY PAIN AWAY, I MUST GO THROUGH THIS HELL I WILL GET BETTER, SLOW BUT SURE AND IT HELPS TO HAVE YOU NEAR BUT A SIMPLE "I'M SORRY YOU LOST YOUR CHILD" IS ALL I NEED TO HEAR AUTHOR UNKNOWN  |
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