Current Events Quiz
Oct 10 '06
The Bottom Line But the man that shall touch them must be fenced with iron and the staff of a spear;
and they shall be utterly burned with fire.
1. What is the best solution to make sure scandals like the Foley scandal never happen again?
a. Email accounts of Democrats should be monitored and phones tapped to make sure they are not leaking evidence of scandals to the media.
b. Emails and instant messages of pages should automatically be cc'd to their parents and clergy.
c. Members of Congress should be castrated upon entry.
d. Pages should be unkempt, acne-spattered, doughy, and ugly so that members of Congress are not seduced by them.
2. A ban on restaurants serving what foreign delicacy was instituted by the Chicago City Council in April?
a. shu mai made from parrots
b. foie gras
c. papillon en croquette
d. macaca
3. Afghanistan's biggest export is opium. Its second biggest export is:
a. greeting cards
b. Mullah Omar bobblehead dolls, Taliban-related keychains
c. fake Coach bags
d. industrial adhesives used in sanitary napkins and pantyliners
4. Saddam Hussein
a. was complicit in the 9/11 attacks.
b. was personally involved in the 9/11 attacks.
c. piloted one of the hijacked planes on 9/11.
d. spent 9/11 watching, on a split-screen TV, CNN's coverage of the 9/11 attacks and a pirated copy of Fletch, thus making it impossible to know the true reason for his deep belly laughs.
5. Harvard University announced in September that
a. henceforth it will be known as the University of Harvard.
b. due to a computer glitch, anyone who received a degree between 1996-2003 actually should not have graduated and must return their diplomas.
c. it is ending its early admissions programs because it gives an unfair advantage to students who have known all their lives they are destined to attend Harvard, graduate with inflated 3.7 GPAs, become CEOs, and divorce their first and second wives at ages 38 and 47.
d. it will begin accepting women and Jews in the 2007-2008 school year, and woman-Jews in 2009-2010.
6. Rick Santorum
a. gay ex-governor of New Jersey, shocked many people with his ribald confession that as his wife waited to give birth in the hospital, he was having sex with a male political advisor.
b. looked completely heterosexual when he appeared in pink seersucker with flushed cheeks on the Senate floor for Seersucker Thursday.
c. has more children than J.S. Bach and Kevin Federline combined.
d. and his wife Karen hold a somber funeral service at the end of each of her monthly periods.
7. What hobby are teenagers taking up in surprisingly large numbers?
a. sewing
b. bombmaking
c. missionary work
d. waterboarding
8. Americans have made sacrifices in the War on Terror. What sacrifices have we made?
a. We pay taxes.
b. Taking off our shoes at airports.
c. It is so expensive to fill up the Escalade.
d. Women have stopped wearing nylons and Hollywood celebrities eat only egg whites, not whole eggs.
9. The Holocaust
a. happened.
b. did not happen.
c. sort of happened? I’m a little fuzzy on the details?
d. is a plot by the Jews to get attention.
10. Which of the following scenes did not appear in the ABC docudrama Path to 9/11?
a. Condoleezza Rice leaves the July 10, 2001 meeting where George Tenet warns her al-Qaeda is most likely going to strike soon and runs to the Ferragamo store where she buys four pairs of pumps and shoplifts a bottle of leather polish.
b. Terrorist pilot Michael Moore and co-pilot Hillary Clinton steer United Flight 175 into the South Tower.
c. Attorney General John Ashcroft finishes a rousing rendition of Let the Eagle Soar and makes love to Tyra Banks.
d. Valerie Plame strangles a litter of kittens, obtains a partial-birth abortion, and reads the New York Times editorial page before kneeling and praying toward Mecca.
11. The person most likely to break into my bedroom, rape and kill me is:
a. Osama bin Laden
b. Nancy Pelosi
c. Hillary Clinton
d. Patrick Fitzgerald
12. In the absence of any clear metrics, how will we know we have won the War on Terror?
a. parades in the streets
b. "Mission Accomplished Again" banners
c. all the Iraqi soldiers are standing up and all the American soldiers are sitting down
d. Ed McMahon will visit us individually in our homes.
13. Which of the following messages did former Congressman Mark Foley not send to a congressional page?
a. cant wait 2 see u in yur lacrosse shorts, measure yur stick 4 me lol
b. how do u do it, into a towel or a klleenx? yum
c. hang on, hasterts at the door, he knows im talking sexy 2 u, he doesnt care as long as i vote w/repubs YES on defense of marriage act, brb! lol
d. I'm sorry Colefax, I must resist your entreaties for dinner, but I would be delighted to give you a recommendation for Vanderbilt.
14. We are winning the War on
a. Terror.
b. Islam.
c. Obesity.
d. Islamobescists.
15. Who said the following: "I think you'll find, if you look at all the evidence, and I have, that we have not inserted table lamps in the rectal passages of enemy combatants, and in those cases where lamps were found in the rectal cavities of enemy combatants, and I really have to say here, these are people who want to kill your children and mine, Tim, people who will stop at nothing to inflict their nihilist view on innocent Americans, and they hate our way of life and our freedoms, if one of these evildoers inserted a lamp in the rectal passage of your child, or your wife, Tim, or your mother, because they celebrate death, they revel in death and pain, I think it's pretty safe to say you would want the United States of America to do something about it. Also, if you're calling al-Qaeda or al-Qaeda is calling you, Tim, we want to know about it. Because we're safer but we're not yet safe."
16. When special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald and defense attorney Ted Wells go to trial in the case against I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby in January 2007, Fitzgerald, the son of a doorman who put himself through Amherst mopping floors, will be facing off against the son of a
a. taxi driver, who put himself through Holy Cross walking dogs.
b. charcoal scooper, who put himself through William and Mary laying bricks.
c. dust sweeper, who put himself through Columbia polishing doorknobs.
d. donkey hide tanner, who put himself through Princeton glazing urinals.
17. Which explanation for the revealing of sexually explicit emails between former Congressman Mark Foley and various teenage pages has not been given by Republicans?
a. Democratic sympathizer George Soros has been in possession of the emails since 2003 and released them five weeks before the election to inflict maximum damage.
b. Dennis Hastert would have revealed the existence of the emails promptly in 2003 when he learned about them were it not for harsh accusations of gay bashing that certainly would have issued from Democrats.
c. Bill Clinton and Gerry Studds are two highly sexed Democrats who probably had something to do with the release of the emails.
d. Negroes are highly sexed creatures, and some Negroes are homosexual. Other Negroes are not openly homosexual but have sexual relations with other men on the "down low".
18. All of the following news outlets have incorrectly identified Congressman Mark Foley as a Democrat except:
a. Fox News
b. Associated Press
c. the Rush Limbaugh radio program
d. Al-Jazeera
19. Kim Jong Il's favorite movies include all of the following except:
a. Friday the 13th
b. Rambo: First Blood
c. Gone With the Wind
d. Amistad
e. An Inconvenient Truth
20. Match the following:
i) In prison.
ii) Convicted; awaiting sentencing.
iii) Convicted and sentenced; free pending appeal.
iv) Currently on trial.
v) Deceased.
vi) Living free and serene, fat and happy.
a. Jeffrey Skilling
b. Kenneth Lay
c. Bernie Ebbers
d. Saddam Hussein
e. Slobodan Milosevic
f. John Rigas
g. Richard B. Cheney
h. George Ryan
i. John Allen Muhammad
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