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The Monkey's FateJan 25 '07 Write an essay on this topic.The Bottom Line Read on dear friends, read on. For events leading up to this, please see: Read This Review...Or I Shoot The Monkey CHIMPED: The Short Life & Fast Times Of Charlie the Monkey By Bob Woodward Had it not been for events leading up to the publication of this book, one would think that it was a straightforward Biography of one of the best-loved and more controversial monkeys of our time. However the tragedy that surrounds the final days of Charlie the Monkey make this something much darker and more sinister. Woodward, who is no stranger to taking on controversial topics, starts off easy enough, giving us a masterfully painted portrait of Charlie’s life and rise to fame. We know that Charlie was born in Monkey’s Eyebrow Kentucky in the late 80’s. Striving to be something more than just an attraction in a cage he moved to L.A in hopes of landing an acting job. He lived hand to mouth in his first few years until he was befriended by Samuel L. Jackson, who was to influence much of Charlie’s acting style. At the behest of Jackson, Charlie auditioned for an odd little Terry Gilliam film. Charlie landed the role of “The Monkey” in 12 Monkeys and his range and performance were critically acclaimed He was the first monkey ever to be nominated for an Oscar. Despite loosing to Nicholas Cage, Charlie’s fame was a certainty. Director’s found that with little or no make up Charlie could take on the roles of other Simians. He played both Baboon and Gorilla in Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes so convincingly that few people realized what he had done. But then things began to spiral out of control as so often happens with such a meteoric rise. Charlie had begun smoking dried Banana leaves and hanging out late at the clubs, ordering round after round of “Chocolate Monkeys” for the house. His taste in women became trashy and simple and many nights Charlie could be seen in the arms of another bleached blond. A full chapter of Woodard’s book, entitled Hide The Banana, dwells on these affairs and even touches on Charlie and the notorious Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton sex tapes. While many suspected that it was Charlie in these films, this was not confirmed till years later when Charlie appeared on Oprah. It also delves deeply into his sordid, short lived friendship with Michael Jackson and the subsequent (and now infamous) lawsuit The floor dropped out from under Charlie one night when he was hanging out with Bobby DeNiro and Quentin Tarantino in Rome. Charlie was already getting a reputation with a few “A” list Directors and they were starting to pass him over for younger, cheaper monkeys. High on a fist full of methamphetamine, Charlie rubbed poo in his hair and ran naked and screaming through Vatican City. Rumor had it that it was DeNiro's Poo. His old friend Samuel Jackson came to his rescue. Charlie went through six months in the Children Of Clint detox program and was released a happier, healthier monkey. Instead of returning to the life he knew, he chose semi-retirement and moved up to the Metro Toronto Zoo. He appeared on the talk show circuit for a while and was just settling down to write the book he had always talked about when the last events of his life occurred. Woodward is extremely thorough in his writing style but also, at times, a little to flowery. I give you the final moments of Charlie’s life as told by him. You be the judge ------------------------------------------------------------ ----------------------------------------------------------- “Charlie marched out to the front yard with his head held high and his shoulders back. He had made peace with his own inevitable death many hours before. Really, what was the world loosing. A former junkie and washed up entertainer. The earth would still turn, the sun would come up tomorrow, few would notice. If the last forty-eight hours had taught him anything, it had taught him that few would notice. Once, he was the name on everyone’s lips, the life of the party and a “must have” invitee; now, he couldn’t even garner fifty votes to save his worthless life. He whipped off his diaper and cracked the pack of cigarettes he kept hidden inside. With out a shake in his hands, he calmly put one in his mouth and lit it, taking an extravagant inhale and blowing the smoke out at the night sky. He fastened his diaper around his eyes in a makeshift blindfold and waited for the click that would be his final memory. A mist of frost flourished on the tips of his whiskers … nothing came… He tapped his foot impatiently. …still nothing came… With one hand he pulled down the corner of his blindfold to see what was happening. Shmoo was on his knees, hunched and broken in the new fallen snow. The gun sat lifeless in front of him. “I can’t do it Charlie” Shmoo whispered, his voice working against the break in his throat. “I know I said I would… I know I told everyone that I’d do it but… I just can’t. I’m just not that much of a monster.” Charlie turned and gently put his right hand on Shmoo’s shoulder, as if to tell him that it was OK…all was forgiven… he’d been right. He snatched the gun with his left and scampered back in to the house leaving Shmoo alone and shaken. When Shmoo finally did clue in to what was going on, it was too late. He ran to the front door and tried to open it but Charlie had locked it behind him. “Charlie!?!” he screamed up to the second floor. Strains of Peter Gabriel floated through the windows and Shmoo knew that Charlie had taken a moment from his plan to push “play” on the CD player. ♫Too much at stake Ground beneath me shake And the news is breaking Shock!- Watch the monkey get hurt, Monkey.♫ “Charlie… FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T… CHARLIE!!! The sound of the gunshot jolted the tear from Shmoo’s eye.” ------------------------------------------------------------ ----------------------------------------------------------- It is all too convenient that Shmoo was the only witness to these events and that we are simply supposed to take his word about what happened however in the last six hours almost nothing is known of their relationship. What police have pieced together is the following timeline from the morning of the 18th until 6 p.m. the next day. Thursday Jan 18th: 3 a.m.- Charlie kidnapped from Metro Toronto Zoo by Shmoo Noon- Shmoo posts on epinions with VERY attainable demands… no Jet, no ten million dollars, no freed Iranian terrorists… 50 VH ratings. He spends several hours working on his review so it won’t be a “free ride” 5:22 p.m.- Megan Downey, avid monkey hater and card carrying member of H.A.M (Humans Against Monkeys) taunts Charlie with an “H” rating in Shmoo’s review. Chris Birkby, President of H.A.M’s U.K chapter follows Megan’s lead the next day 8:14 p.m.- Charlie secretly goes through the list of Shmoo’s epinions contacts and debates which one to call. He circles the name “Pinn” but possibly changed his mind when he read the side note “Will probably get name wrong”. Instead he contacts someone known only as “The King Of All Fish” to plead for his life. Charlie screams “Very Helpful!!!” in to the receiver twice before Shmoo cuts the line. Friday Jan 19th: 7 a.m.- Charlie peers over Shmoo’s shoulder first thing in the morning to discover that he has less than half the votes he needs to live. Noon- Charlie flings Poo at Shmoo, forcing him to take a shower. While Shmoo is cleaning monkey crap out of his beard, Charlie goes on to epinions under Shmoo’s password and posts a heartfelt plea in the Epinions General Message Board. Shmoo finds him at the keyboard and banishes him to the closet but Charlie feels he is safe. 12:48 p.m.- Plea is discovered by the radical monkey terrorist group Death To Chimps. Group’s spokesman and “epinions site moderator” Patty Therre shuts down plea before anyone can read it, sealing Charlie’s fate. 6 p.m. despite last minute rally and messages of support from Rudi Xeno, a Dutchman named MobiProf and a gas man calling himself Don Quixote, Charlie notices that he is 23 VH votes short of the total with only 6 hours left. He begins to work on his last will and testament. All other information is unknown. His will read “I leave my tire swing to good Friend- Joey Tribbiani…”. Some feel that Woodward, in compensating Shmoo so generously, has instigated the possibility of similar acts of lawlessness against our Simian brothers. I agree, however simply too much is unknown. Who assisted Shmoo in his crime? We know a second person was present for much of January 18th. Why was Shmoo released so quickly after his arrest? We know that the arresting Officer received a “Very Important” phone call just prior to letting Shmoo go but we don’t know who was on the other end of the line. Were H.A.M and the D.T.C working in collaboration against Charlie and if so, how were they so quick to act? Were they being fed information? Why have the police so quickly ruled it a suicide and claimed that no other arrests will be made? How is there no handwriting sample that can be compared against Charlie’s Will? Why no Autopsy? How were all the notes and tape from Shmoo’s initial police interview “accidentally destroyed"? These are things that we have no answer for and probably never will. If Bob Woodward won’t ask the questions, then the questions aren’t meant to be asked.  |
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