Valentine's Day Prison Massacre in 3-D
Feb 14 '07
The Bottom Line What are the counter romance films you and your loved one can endure for an anti-Valentine's Day? Well, maybe these titles can help.
The wise prophet Richard Roeper recently called Valentine's Day "the phoniest con game/holiday of them all." I chose to agree with the man here. It's true that men are bullied into spending god knows how much money on items that some day will move from your attic to the neighbor's garage sale; only to be picked up by some other poor sap for his significant other, and it all starts over again. Unlike Christmas, it's hard to get out of Valentine's Day by declaring that your religion forbids it, unless the name of your religion just so happens to be "Cheap B*stards." Good luck with the tax breaks on that one!
Two years ago I did a list of movies that I said would somewhat shakes things up on Valentine's Day, if you chose to watch them with your partner. Instead of putting in something like "The Notebook" or Lifetime Network's "Insert Title Here" starring Vanessa Redgrave, you could put in something that shows that you've got some balls; that you're willing to take a slap in the face just to see how cool your girlfriend's taste in movies is. I was going to make it an annual list, but last year I was a little busy. I wasn't single. My girlfriend and I ordered up some Chinese food and watched classic 80's Robert Downey Jr, so there was no time to make a list. Or maybe I just forgot, who knows; it was February 14th, I was being conned.
This year, however, I am once again single, so not only is there time to make another list, there's also time to go down to my favorite pub afterwards and drink away the money I'd spend on a box of chocolates and Sweet & Sour Chicken. It's great to be in the single's arena on Valentine's Day. The only obligation I have is to brush my teeth in the morning and at night. Shower: optional.
So enjoy this 2nd list I have created that, once again, shows love or lust at their darkest, seediest, zaniest, geekiest, and most graphic. Some of them might not even show love or lust at all! They could just be funny titles to put on a Valentine's Day list! That's the risk you'll have to take, my friends. Will it be "The Notebook" or razorblades and crotches?
The Attic
"The Attic" is billed as a kind of household horror film (with a tagline that says "13 Steps To Terror!") where judging from the box you would expect a landshark to pop out from the attic and chomp on the house's inhabitants. It doesn't help that MGM put this film on their Midnite Movies label as a double feature with the slasher film "Crawlspace." The movie is nothing like that at all. And I mean nothing. Think of it as a female version of "Taxi Driver" starring the brilliant Carrie Snodgress as a lonely, borderline psychotic librarian. Pushing her 40's, Snodgress is still in love with a man who disappeared without a trace on her wedding day, and is increasingly driven mad by her overbearing, judgmental and wheelchair bound father (Ray Milland). After she is let go from her job, she seeks friendship in an ex-coworker, and also takes up the "one night stand" hobby. But of course we know at any moment she is going to snap Travis Bickle style. There's also a monkey named Dick involved.
The Beyond
I've known about 3 people who have received this film as a gift from their spouse. More so than any other Italian horror film I can think of. Though I did know a guy once who got his girlfriend "Cannibal Ferox," I don't think they're together anymore. But anyway, I know a perfectly happy married couple here in town that let the sparks fly even brighter when the girl gave the man this movie as a gift. I know one couple who went through a divorce and actually fought over who was going to receive the Limited Edition Tin of this in the settlement. Clearly, they didn't have kids together! I even dated a girl once who immediately went out to buy herself a copy of this after I showed her my DVD of it. Whether "The Beyond" brings couples together or tears them apart, who knows. But it's a classic piece of zombie surrealism that appears to work better than cupid, if only for a little bit.
Blonde Emmanuelle
Hey, you wanna watch a soft-core sex flick on Valentine's Day eve? Oh come on, how about a 3-D sex flick?? And not just any kind of 3-D, I'm talking about really really awful 70's 3-D. The kind where even when you put the glasses on, everything still looks like the spidey-sense from the old live action "Spider Man" tv series. This is one of the best of it's kind! It's awful, but it's trying to be awful. The 3-D is horrendous, but I don't think it's attempting to be good. The movie is a sex comedy spoof of "Casablanca," where instead or Rick, our hero's name is Chick, and the villain's name is Harry Balls. There's lotsa fun to be had in this film, especially when the best and only good 3-D effect is a woman pointing a vibrator at the camera for absolutely no reason whatsoever! You gotta love a movie whose alternate title is "Disco Dolls in Hot Skin 3-D"
Don't Go in the House
Speaking of disco, "Don't Go in the House" is a serial killer character study, sort of in the vein of movies like "Psycho" or even "Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer," only in this one, the main character takes a liking to the sounds of disco and even later frequents some clubs, all while a song titled "Struck By Boogie Lightning" is playing. God I love this movie! I love the hell out it. That dark funky 70's feel gives it the right tone that it needs, and it really is some disturbing stuff in certain parts of the film. Elements of it, namely the ending, would later be used in movies like "Maniac." Dan Grimaldi plays a construction worker who was tortured by his sadistic mother as a child, then when she passes on, he keeps hold of her corpse and lures strange women into his house only to burn them alive in his basement with a blow torch. The death scenes are only a small part of the film, with the bulk of it being the story of a lonely guy, trying to make friends, and who is just plain out of his mind. An attempt to pick up a girl at a disco ends with a candle being thrown in her face. This guy needs eharmony.com.
Free Enterprise
Here's a safe bet to go with this Valentine's Day. A love story for the geek inside all of us, and especially for those of us who wear our geekdom on top of our "Ilsa" t-shirts. When someone asks what this movie is about, the usual answer is "two movie geeks meet William Shatner." That's a very small factor of this great little film. Shatner plays a great supporting role as himself, who seems to be a nutjob on the surface (he wants to do a solo musical presentation of "Julius Caesar"), but when the time comes, he dishes out just the right kind of life advice that our heroes need. The real heart of the film though is the story of 2 guys, children of 70's sci-fi, who are inching closer and closer to the age of 30, and most of what they have to show for it is a rare Enterprise Christmas tree ornament. One of them begins to fall in love with a woman he meets in a comic book shop, which sends his best friend into a sort of neurotic frenzy, because if he can't talk about the greatness of "Manhunter" with his buddy, then what else is there in this world? The characters are very true to life here, the dialogue is fantastic, and the scenes with Shatner are not only heartfelt but pretty damn sincere as well.
Fright
Before "When a Stranger Calls" and before "Halloween," there was "Fright." One of the original "babysitter vs homicidal maniac" flicks. Here's what you do, you turn the AC up really high, bundle up under the covers with your partner, and pop in "Fright." That old trick where you yawn and put your arm around your significant other was invented because of movies like "Fright." Sure, you may get kicked out of bed for doing one of the oldest tricks in the book, but who cares! You're watching a badass movie like "Fright." Susan George plays said babysitter who lets in a stranger played by brilliantly by Ian Bannen. After her boyfriend is attacked, Bannen shows up claiming to be a doctor, but as the night progresses his actions not only become psychotic but pretty frighteningly delusional. Turns out Bannen is the ex husband of the woman (Honor Blackman) who hired the babysitter, and he has just escaped from a mental institution; which definitely explain the creepiness of the sequences where Bannen looks at Susan George and all he sees, and we see, in her place is either the smile or the frightened expression of not her, but Honor Blackman.
The Hollywood Knights
This has been one of my favorite movies since I was a little kid. It's also the first movie that I ever saw on a date at a drive in. It was a double feature of this and "Grease." Sure now days all that the drive-in here ever plays is just second run mainstream titles, and you have no idea how much that absolutely grinds my gears, but atleast I can have the memory of seeing the classic "Hollywood Knights" there. The movie is a nice little splice of our favorite elements from such films as "American Graffiti" and "Animal House" all rolled up into one overlooked masterpiece that I would rank right up on a pedestal with those films. The action all takes place on Halloween night in the mid-60's, and a group of pranksters known as The Hollywood Knights are about to lose their favorite hangout spot, so they spend one glorious evening pulling some of the best pranks they can come up with. And they are glorious. To even spoil any of them would be a cardinal sin. There's also a few serious tones placed here and there, where one of the Knights is about to be shipped to Vietnam the next day, and Tony Danza and Michelle Pfeiffer play a couple who are about to break up due to her wanting to move away and become an actress, but the real heart here is the true genius of the film's comedy.
Impulse
One of the best bad movies of the 1970's. Here's a movie that always gets watched whenever I enter a relationship. All you need to say to describe it is this. William Shatner: con man, gigolo, killer, ladies man! That's right. Shatner plays Matt Stone, a con artist whose polyester suits are SO 70's that I didn't even know suits that are THAT 70's even existed. I'm talkin white polyester with a matching pimp hat in one scene. As if it weren't enough that he were a con artist, Matt Stone is also clinically insane! One of the first scenes shows him strangling his latest conquest in a car after she catches him cheating on her with a belly dancer. The rest of the movie shows Stone seducing a single mother all in attempt to rip her off with a phony investment story. But the woman's monsterous daughter (in my opinion, the real villain of the film) doesn't trust Stone, especially after witnessing him run over a former associate with his car. The movie is notable enough to see the great Shatner playing a villain, but it's the sheer unapologetic 70's camp that's seems to have helped this rare film see atleast some light of day. Plus, lines like "you're a big...tough BROAD, aren't ya?" doesn't hurt either.
The Libertine
Johnny Depp, that's a safe bet with women on Valentine's Day, right? Well if "The Libertine" falls into that "date movie" category with your relationship, then you two are made for eachother! Here we've got handsome Johnny Depp...slowly decaying by syphilis. He plays John Wilmont, the Earl of Rochester, who, if he were a homicidal maniac and a tyrant, would be right up there with Caligula. In the film's opening scene, Wilmont looks us right in the eye and claims "you will not like me." In the bulk of the film, Wilmont dwells deep into the luxury of drunkeness, sex, and naughty literature. Summoned by the King to pen a play for the French Ambassador, Wilmont falls in love with his lead actress and makes for damn sure that there are large, erect wooden penis' in this play. At the end of the film, Wilmont looks at us again and asks "so, do you like me?" The answer: yes!
Nekromantik
Come on, people, it's a love story for necrofiles! Sure, I'm not a necrofile, but if I was, this movie would be the "Dr. Zhivago" of that category! I really do dig this film, it's probably the movie beautiful and arty movie about a love triangle involving a corpse. Yes, it's an exploitation film, but it's written and filmed in such a way that seems like it wants to vie for the Palme D'Or at Cannes. The movie is about a boyfriend and girlfriend who both share a love of collecting body parts and having sex with dead people. When the boyfriend brings home a corpse to include in their love making, things really heat up! But, when the guy loses his job, things turn ugly in the household. His girlfriend leaves him and takes the corpse with her! What follows are scenes of depression that involve some out and out bizarre dream sequences, and even a scene where the man picks up a hooker only to kill her and make love to her body. You've also never seen a suicide sequence that comes anywhere near resembling the one in this film. Hey, if you and your mate dig this film, then make it a double feature! Pick up "Nekromantic 2"!!
The Pick-Up Artist
I know that this film was featured on my previous list, but you don't understand. As long as I continue to make these kinds of list for Valentine's Day, there will always be a spot on that list for "The Pick-Up Artist." The fact that it is the best 80's romantic comedy ever is completely beside the point. There is not a Valentine's Day that goes by, single, in a relationship, whatever, that I do not, at some point in the day, relax with a nice bottle of wine and watch this classic piece of cinema. Indeed one of my favorite movies of all time. Have I watched it today yet? Not yet, I'm not done writing this list. The movie is like the stuff my movie dreams are made of! You got Robert Downey Jr as a master womanizer, Molly Ringwald as the girl he falls for, then there's the rapid fire dialogue by James Toback, a gangster played by Harvey Keitel, Dennis Hopper as a drunken father, Joe Spinnell, and one of my favorite things: a modern day story with a classic oldies soundtrack. Brilliant. When one sees the opening sequence of Downey practicing his pick up lines in a mirror, all while "Da Doo Ron Ron" is playing, then this movie clearly had me at "hello, my name is Jack Jericho."
Screwballs
If "The Pick-Up Artist" is the best 80's romantic comedy ever, then mark my words that "Screwballs" (completely underrated!) is by far the best 80's SEX comedy ever! Whenever you try to describe a movie like, say, "Porky's" or "H.O.T.S." or "Hot Dog: The Movie," the natural answer would certainly be something like "some teens are trying to get a piece of action," even though there is some other main plot surrounding all of that. In this one however, no, that is the plot. The movie is about 5 guys, each one who are not only from completely different cliques but are also buddies, simply trying to see a girl naked. That's the movie! I love it! The bet: which one of them can see the untreaded naked body of the school prude Purity Bush. Yes, that's her name. Other names in the movie include the fat guy named Jerkovski, a girl named Bootsie Goodhead, and a principal named Stuckoff. Our heroes' plans include hypnotism, burying a guy underneath the spot Purity sunbathes in, sneaking Spanish Fly into some punch, organizing a fake breast exam, and the final piece to the naked Purity puzzle: magnetics. I love this movie. It is undeniably funny. It just wants to have some good old fashioned 80's sex comedy fun, and by god it succeeds. In my eyes, this is the 80's sex comedy that every other one should bow down to. This is that one that gets EVERYTHING right, from it's rockin theme music, to the random scene where everyone plays strip bowling, only to have the nerd's penis end up stuck right in the ball.
Women's Prison Massacre
This is the quintessential women in prison movie. Look absolutely no further than this masterpiece of grindhouse cimena. This is a raw, violent, sleaze-filled piece of anti-sexy exploitation. The WIP films of the 90's WISH they were this movie, and I guarantee than no other film in this subgenre even comes close to Bruno Mattei's work of unflinching genius here. It's one of the Black Emanuelle films, basically, but that is neither here nor there. Laura Gemser has only one nude scene in this film as Emanuelle, and it's a rape scene, so that's how balls to the wall this entry in the series is. This is not the happy go lucky lite-fare of some of the other Black Emanuelle flicks. The first half deals with Emanuelle wrongly accused of...something...and she is constantly at odds with the abusive guards and the female gang leader of the prison. That is until the prison is taken over by four psychotic male prison escapees. The men are held up in the prison and seduce many of the women and also force some of them to play Russian roulette. Some of the prisoners take matters into their own hands to seek revenge against the 4 men, such as in probably the most notorious scene where a man's scrotum is sliced by a razor blade hidden inside the woman's.... Wow. If it's grungy hardcore violent shock cinema or "Thriller" style girl power you're looking for on Valentine's Day (of all days), then you came out on top in the Gold Rush my friend. Final note: this film needs to be ordered online, because if you get it in stores, you'll be stuck with the edited R rated version.
If you survive the night from showing your romantic partner any of the films on this list, including the safe ones, then you know what to do. Get down on your knee and propose, or...be a little bit worried if they liked that razor blade scene in "Women's Prison Massacre" a little TOO much.
Happy Valentine's Day
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Epinions.com ID:
caligula79
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Member: Brad
Location: Long Beach, CA
Reviews written: 141
Trusted by: 21 members
About Me:
Reside in both Long Beach, California and Springfield, Illinois. I'm region-polar.
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