I No Longer Have Any Ewes For This Serta Bunk
Feb 18 '07
The Bottom Line Since sleeping on my Serta Sleeper, I've become Serta sheepish about over-sleepish, sheepless sleep.
A EWES-LESS REV-EWE PREV-EWE
I'm not a big consumer, and I have a particularly strong aversion to providing big, soul-eating corporations free advertisement (particularly corporations like Serta, who shamelessly steal my intellectual property and use it for their national ad campaigns), but a lot of peops seem to get a kick out of a product review I wrote about Serta's Perfect Sleeper (mattress). The following is NOT that review (although it does borrow a few excerpts from it). When I recently sat down to review the review, and to review the review's review-viewer's reviews, I mused that the review's inexcusably few uses of ewes were too few a use of ewes to be of any real use to the few review-viewers who peruse my reviews. I knew you'd be delighted if I decided to re-write it; produce a new review and imbue it with a slew of new "ewe" abuses (i.e., ba-a-a-ahd sheep puns/double-entendres, cheesy rhymes, tongue twisters, and existential "dream-within-a-dream" brain-spins; the Serta proper, consumerly-helpful mattress review should contain). You'll be fleeced to know I've edited out most of the Serta-related bunk. [CUE APPLAUSE]
INTRODUCTORY LAMB-ERICK:
My review's snooze-infused mattress views,
Don't excuse my bemused use of ewes;
Though my sheep don't outleap,
Serta's deep mattress sleep,
Here, it's NON-snoozer users who lose.
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STAMPEDING SHEEP IMPEDE MY SLEEP
My bloody Serta mattress and box spring are so coma-inducingly comfy, I have to count sheep to keep myself AWAKE until dawn, lest I lapse into a sleep so comatose deep, my sheep no longer peep, and my alarm clock's unheard beep, fails to warn me I should leap out of bed, and instead, I lie in a heap, half-dead, with my head under the spread 'til, sore adread, I awaken, eye-slits red, forehead achin', and job-foresaken.
I WAS COUNTING ON SHEEPLESS SLEEP; NOW I'M COUNTING ON SLEEPLESS SHEEP
Contrary to what you might think about a mattress so comfortable it renders you comatose within seconds of your lying down on it, the exquisite relaxation-inducement of this Serta Sleeper has forced my "sheep-counting quota" UPWARD; NOT downward. I used to count on counting on my countless, leaping counting-sheep to account for my mostly unslept sleep; now I count on my counting-sheep encounters to keep from slipping into oversleep. Since sleeping on my Serta Sleeper, I've become Serta sheepish about over-sleepish, sheepless sleep.
EITHER WAY, EWE GET FLOCKED...
I could excuse the use of the ewes I used to use to induce the snoozing I'd been losing, but to reuse the ewes I used to use to induce a snooze, to REDUCE the snoozing I'd been losing, is not a use for which I'd choose to use those snooze-intrusive ewes (i.e., the ewes I'd been reduced to using to induce my once-elusive snoozing) if I had my choosing. Sound confusing? It should be an enthusing confusing if you've been losing snoozing due to undue mattress bruising. So, if you sleepless peops seek sheepless sleep, Serta's Sleeper is a sleep de-sheeper and a sleeper's keeper. If you're a deeper sleeper, you'd better keep your counting-sheep, to keep from Sleeper over-sleep, lest, *jeepers-creepers*, that ultimate of sleepers; the Grim Reaper, induces a sleep that's 6-feet deeper than most sleepers prefer.
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EWES-FLASH: THERE MAY BE DANGER IN THE MANGER FOR EWE-ESTRANGERS
In case you sleepless-shepherds haven't a herd: No ewes is good ewes, and this is the Serta-bed news that relates to how you relate to ewes; whether you users of ewes use the ewes you use exclusively for snoozes, or unsnoozed snooze is your excuse to use your ewes for other uses, there are a few who'll choose to view any ewe-use as undue ewes-age. Even if you're not the sort of sport who'd resort to abusing ewes, you may find that profuse ewes-abuse-accusing ensues due to your confusing overuse of ewes to induce (or reduce) your oversnoozing blues. From the ewes-misuse miscues and confusing clues that accrue (due to the slew of abstruse excuses you're reduced to using to excuse your reclusive overuse of snooze-inducing ewes), people deduce you've a few screws loose and your use of ewes for snoozes is ewes-abusive.
*** AB-EWES WARNING: ***
If you DO have "zoo" issues; you run with loose-value crews who cruise zoos to woo gnus, amuse emus, pursue new uses of footloose mooses, or who choose to drink booze and screw ewes, please don't choose to peruse my review's useful clues. I WILL not excuse any review-viewer's use of my clues-suffused views to screw ewes! Any yahoo who uses his snooze-losing blues as a ruse for abusing ewes, but in truth, finds abusing ewes amusing, best not do any 29th-review perusing or he's in for a bruising!]
SERTA! --WHY CAN'T I COUNT ON NOT COUNTING ON EWES?
My having soundly slept through my alarm clock's beeper on more than one occasion made me feel edgy and apprehensive. I started to fear the hypnotic comfort of this mattress monster that swallowed me in its gaping, soundless maw every night. I began to miss counting on my trusty counting-sheep to make their comforting nightly appearances again. Sure they'd ba-a-a-ah; what sheep don't? ...Besides, it was a pleasant "ba-a-ah;" the kind of "ba-a-ah" that reminded me I'd eventually hear my alarm clock in the morning; --not a team of paramedics attempting to jump-start my heart.
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DUMPING EWES IS THE KEY TO MY DREAMS!
Maybe I should be pleased: If I haven't seen my sheep leaping, it must mean I'm deeply sleeping, thus have had no cause for weeping, right? I may even be asleep right now, and just not realize it. "History is a nightmare from which I'm still trying to awaken" (James Joyce). Maybe THIS is a nightmare I'm having due to my Serta Sleeper-induced excessive sleeping, which means the mattress is effectively doing its job. Should I lug it back to Bunk World because it's too effective? What would I say to the salesgirl? "Well, no ma'am, I can't keep it because it's making me so relaxed I can't sleep."? Not bleating likely.
If I am asleep, this is one whopper of a dream; one in which I'm dreaming I'm asleep, dreaming that I'm awake, wishing I was asleep, dreaming that this is a nightmare from which I'm still trying to awaken. I'm beginning to think I may have only dreamt that I ever counted sheep to get to sleep at all. Still, if that IS the case, I could only be dreaming if my Serta was adequately doing its job. (Damn. Pondering this over-sleep problem is going to keep me lying awake, ...and lull you to sleep. Maybe those of you on a budget would be better off just skipping the new mattress buy and instead, try improving your sleep by keeping a copy of this review on your night table.)
THIS IS ONE COSTLY LOAD OF BUNK...
I mean, what if I'm currently dreaming that I'm awake, yet I really SHOULD be awake, but because this dream is SO real because the sleep is SO good because the mattress is SO effective, I'm about to sleep through my alarm again? If that WAS about to happen again (or already has just happened), I'd have to bring my bed back where I bought it, 'cause I'd be out a job and unable to afford it. That's right. These Serta bad-boys don't come cheap; one has to dig down sheep-dip deep, pull out a healthy dollar heap, and pay a price that's Serta steep if one seeks Sleeper's deeper sleep. I had to kiss Ben Franklin and 7 of his $100-greenback wearin' brothers goodbye before my personal check-shy Serta guy would let me ply his Serta sack supply. I had to let another Franklin fly before said Serta Sleeper guy agreed to "Pillowtop-ify" the bunk on which I'd had my eye. [What? "Pillowtop-ify?" Yessir. Please let me qualify: The pillowtop's 3 inches high, of quilted-softness underlie, that ensures the sort of sound shut-eye that's more than likely to defy your prior peaceful mattress lies. This added square of padded layer will make you sleepless-liers swear you're curled-up in a silky pair of Aphrodite's underwear, suspended in the tropic air by drifting clouds of "I don't care."]
THE MATTRESS DREAM I CAN FINALLY DREAM OF HAVING...
Perhaps if I keep my Serta Sleeper, my sleep will remain sheepless, so I can achieve my dreams of sheepless sleep, which I couldn't have without the mattress of my dreams, which I couldn't dream about before I had it, yet which I needed to have in order to sleep, in order to dream those dreams of sheepless sleep, enabled by my sleep remaining sheepless, due to my having bought the mattress of my dreams. This situation is a nightmare, which a bad mattress experience like the one I've just described, not only IS, but CAUSES --assuming it even lets me get past the sheep, to allow the sleep required to have it, which I won't know I'm getting until I either wake up from THIS nightmare, or fall asleep into my next dream!
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Member: Jim Scileppi
Location: The 29th Congressional District, CA
Reviews written: 67
Trusted by: 515 members
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