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On Being ShmooFeb 20 '07 (Updated Feb 23 '07) Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Something a little different for #30
The debate has raged back and forth: Are you happy with your ePinions identity, does it truly reflect who you are, physically, intellectually, emotionally… metaphorically. In certain cases it does. My dear DianaPinions (and her SHLEP minions) have all told me that Lady Consumer is something of an “imbiber” but does so with an effeminate class and panache. This also explains the nice pink haze to her home page. It’s well known that Don K Rider does in fact ride donkeys and that The Gas Man has horrible toxic methane that will make tears well in your eyes. It’s also common knowledge that The King Fish rules the world’s oceans and can summon sea life telepathically, which in turn makes him completely invincible. In certain cases it does not. There is nothing "Double D" about DDusty Rose (sorry to spill the beans Dusty). McHeadCase is not nearly as big a head case as he claims, Lyoness 913 is a pussycat and Snowflake 224 is actually comprised of 732 snowflakes… a gross under exaggeration that ePinions is currently investigating. Also, I’ve been told that Patty Therre isn’t there at all, she’s here. So… what about Shmoo1? Is his moniker an accurate reflection of him? Did he pick a label for fun or was it an intrinsic part of his being. Does the tail wag the dog? Where does the Shmoo end and the man begin? I thank you for your many cards and letters and will do my best now to map out the similarities and differences. I hope this helps clear up any misconceptions and/or bets that people may have had. SIMILARITIES: 1) The Shmoo is white. While I’m not truly white, I am of the skin pigmentation that people sometimes refer to as “white”, just as Prince is the artist that people formerly sometimes referred to as "The Artist Formerly Referred To As Prince". I’m actually kind of a light coral color… pinkish in general. Nailing down one specific color is tricky. The skin under my eyes is darker than the skin on the backs of my hands but not as dark as the skin on the bottoms of my feet. You get the general idea. 2) The Shmoo has beautiful smooth unblemished skin. I too have beautiful smooth unblemished skin. 3) The Shmoo has a bit of unruly hair under his nose I do also. I have a bit on my chin that sort of matches. 4) The Shmoo’s name ends with an “ooo” sound. My last name also ends with an “ooo” sound… and in my youth many women made that sound when calling my name (insert funky, 1970's, wacka-wacka, slap base here). 5) The Shmoo is a happy individual with a surprised look on his face. I’m very happy…even with out the medication… and I’m constantly surprised. It comes from being Canadian. We are, by nature, happy people and view the world with child like wonder. We also apologize a lot and like to please people. It is often that you find Canadians bringing coffee and donuts to the U.N. meetings and then apologizing to the Kenyan Ambassador (once again) because Tim Horton’s ran out of Crullers. 6) The Shmoo is kidney bean shaped and sort of rubbery in texture. Alas…I must confess that I am a bit “bean” shaped and rubbery in texture. I blame Canadian Beer, Canadian Maple Syrup, Tim Horton’s… 7) The Shmoo is funny. From the look on his face its also obvious that he finds farts amusing. I am told from time to time that I am funny. Again I blame this on being Canadian. We tend to be quite a bit funnier than most other nationalities. This is possibly due to a national inferiority complex as well as the fact that we have to amuse ourselves over long winters. Jim Carey, Mike Myers, Michael J. Fox, Matthew Perry, Dan Ackroyd, Rick Moranis, Eugene Levy, Will Shatner, Phil Hartman, Leslie Nielsen, Howie Mandel, Dave Foley….ummm… Keanu Reeves…. let’s see…. Lorne Green… Steppenwolf… ALL really funny dudes. I am very much like them. Also, farts amuse me. Go ahead and try me… fart. …. I’m waiting… …. Ooooohhh, good one. See. I found that funny. 8) The Shmoo is adorably cute and you just want to hug him. OK… this is more of a curse than a blessing. Total strangers walk up to me on a daily basis and hug me. Try explaining this to your wife. She’s use to it now but for the first few months of our relationship it took a lot to convince her that I had no idea who that unwed mother of two (or worse, the three hundred pound dock worker) was. People want to hug Shmoo and I for the same reasons…we’re bean shaped and rubbery in texture…. and of course adorably cute. 9) The Shmoo was born in a place where people wanted him dead. Sad but true. The Shmoo was born in Dogpatch U.S.A and was widely hunted and prized for the taste of his flesh and the versatile uses of his body parts. I was born in Quebec. My grandfather was English. I don’t speak a lick of French and tend to view their fashion sense with over-rated contempt. You make the connection. 10) The Shmoo is very malleable but not too bright. No… this does not refer to the Shmoo’s ability to go to malls. It means that he can change shape. Please hearken back to the show Scooby Doo and Shmoo Too and you will remember that he could make himself appear like a steak (or stake). Many times he would become the wrong thing I am also adaptable, supple, compliant…choose your synonym and I fully admit that I’m dumb as a stump. Unrelated but we both also really like the song I Don’t Feel Like Dancing by The Scissor Sisters. Happy tune… makes you want to dance… ironic. ... oh and Good Morning StarShine...♫ "dooby obba wabba, early mornin' singing song"♫ warm and fuzzy... nice... DIFFERENCES: 1) The Shmoo has no arms. I have arms. Two of them. At the end of them are hands and at the ends of these are fingers. I can pick my nose, Shmoo cannot ergo I’m vastly superior. 2) The Shmoo has no hair. His head and body are smooth as a billiard ball. I have vast quantities of hair. If you covered the Shmoo with paste and then rolled him around under the fridge for a while so that he was coated with dust bunnies you would get an faithful depiction of where Shmoo and I part company 3) The Shmoo has very muscular upper legs. Much as I would like to brag about the girth of my thighs… I’d be lying. They are average at best. 4) The Shmoo has (what looks like) a HUGE butt. I have no butt. I have worse than no butt. I have concave butt. My back goes straight in to my knees. An ex girl friend use to refer to what I didn’t have as “Muppet AS$” Tragically this is an accurate description. If you can remember that classic scene from The Muppet Movie where Kermit The Frog rode his bike for the first time… you will have a great picture of my butt. Buttless No butt. I wear a wallet in each back pocket to give the “illusion” of butt. If I entered a booty-shaking contest I’d be disqualified. Hugh Grant once pointed at me in a crowd and laughed at my lack of butt. A belt does not keep my pants up. I lose feeling in my legs when I sit for too long because I’m parked on solid bone and muscle. Buttless. 5) The Shmoo has no genitalia. Despite what William Pinn may be telling people, I do in fact have genitalia. I am banned from being in The Shleps for this very reason. My genitalia seems to work. I have reproduced. I’m 99.5% sure that my child is “my” child. Yes, the wife has a crush on the 6’ 5” firefighter that lives next door, and my girl is a bit tall for her age, but she’s a good wife and I trust her. Due to the fact that I possess both genitalia and arms (with hands and fingers) I can experience the great joy of scratching myself when I wake up. Sadly, this is a pleasure that the Shmoo will never know. Slightly off topic, but interesting nonetheless, is it just me or does the word “Genitalia” make everyone think of a Roman Pharmaceutical company? 6) The Shmoo is an innocent. I may have told folks that I am… but who am I kidding. I went to college man… I was in theatre man… I smoked the big doobie stick man… I had wild weekend parties man… I was a member of The Bat Cave man. I’m not going to explain that last one. I’m just going to let you guess. 7) The Shmoo is a hard-core Opera fan. Well-known Shmoo fact While, I like Opera and could possibly hum a recognizable bar or two, mostly from what I heard on The Bugs Bunny/ Road Runner Hour (The Barber of Seville skit was classic), I can’t be called a fan. 8) The Shmoo is completely honest. I’m not. I lie. While I try not to do it often I can site you at least one example. It is not a well-known fact that The Shmoo likes opera. I can’t back that up. Not really sure what the little guy likes. I’d guess disco, but I might be wrong. 9) Every part of Shmoo is useful. Nothing need be wasted. Ohhh… where to begin. I’m sure there are many parts of me (no…... NOT my genitalia Damn You PINN!!!) that are not useful. 10) The Shmoo was edible and enjoyed being eaten. Where I chose to put this comment spoke an awful lot about my character. I put it here and will now smile until my dimples show. Perhaps I’m not so puckish and impure as was formerly thought. … who am I kidding …this belongs up at the top. That’s about all I can think of. I was able to think of more similarities between Shmoo and myself than I was differences. This should illustrate that the I.D. I have chosen is accurate. Granted, the differences were pretty large ones but if you think of me as a slightly furrier, jaded version of Shmoo with all my limbs and bits and pieces intact, then I really don’t think that too much separates us. For more information on the life and times of Shmoo please visit the wonderful biography penned by New England author Richard Fisher. Please feel free to write in and let me know if you feel your name is accurate and complimentary.  |
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