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Things I Wish I'd Known About Pregnancy Before Becoming Pregnant

Mar 10 '07 Write an essay on this topic.

The Bottom Line I've learned so much already, and the baby isn't even here yet.

At the moment, I'm six months pregnant with my first child (a baby girl!). While I've wanted to put my thoughts to paper many times, I'm having one of those rare paralytic moments when there is just so much to process and organize. This is not writer's block. This is life - is - still - moving - at - breakneck - speed - and - I - can - barely - carve - out - the - psychological - space - I - need - to - write - about - it block. Yet I know I've got to get these thoughts written down somewhere before they change again or get pushed aside until I can use them to help out a pregnant friend or my own daughter, so I'm forcing myself to do it but with the excuse that this is really a brain dump and not a steaming little bowl of Chicken Soup for the Soul, k? I would really just like to share some of the things I've learned over the past six months that I hope can help someone else, even if every pregnancy is completely unique and your own.

You Will Need Your Mother More Than You Ever Have Before.

My mother died 7 years ago due to complications from a long battle with alcoholism. Though her death was very difficult for me, I found peace in the notion that she was truly in a better place where (gasp!) she couldn't drink anymore. I was her only child, and there have been many times during her life and after her death when I needed her and she wasn't available to me, but I never needed her as much as I have since I learned that I was pregnant. I may have needed her more in my formative years when she was on and off the wagon, but I doubt it.

I am lucky to have so many good people in my life that are so supportive and loving to me that I sometimes think they were sent straight from her, but even with these blessings there is a void. I realize (or hope) that most people reading this will have their mothers there to support them, so I don't want to dwell on my loss here, but I do want to encourage every pregnant woman to not deny this basic need during pregnancy. My relationship with my mother was just as complicated as any, and if she were still alive and drinking I can't say I'd definitely reach out to her, but I would have to deal with my need in some way.

If you are lucky enough to have a mother who is at least mostly loving and supportive to you, try to overlook her flaws and accept her love in whatever way, shape or form it comes. Allow yourself to be her little girl now, because you need that.

Don't Expect That the Reactions of Your Family, Friends and Partner to the News of Your Pregnancy Will Be Like Watching an After-School Special.

I am almost 30 years old with a full-time job and benefits who has been in a relationship with the father of my child for more than 8 years. Still, we aren't married, and he already has 2 older children who demand and deserve a lot of time and attention. Let's just say my family and some friends did not exactly react with tears of joy when they heard the news. In fact, some people - wonderful, caring people - tried to persuade me to have an abortion.

They did not do this because they didn't love me or think that I would be a good mother. They did this because they were in shock and they thought they were helping. They were also reeling from the way this news could change their identity (fathers become grandfathers, grandmothers become great-grandmothers, stepmothers become something totally foreign and unknown, children become big brothers and sisters, and friends who haven't yet had babies are faced with a painful reminder of that fact).

The first month after I learned I was pregnant was very difficult for me because I felt that I had to manage the emotions of others in addition to my own which, needless to say, were all over the place. I was really hurt by the reactions of those closest to me, but what I didn't fully understand at the time was just how much my decision to have a baby was changing the lives of those that would really be there for me. It's easy for acquaintances to greet the news by smiling and cooing. They won't be awake in the middle of the night with you when the baby's crying, or traveling across the country for graduation ceremonies. It's the people closest to you who will be along for at least part of the up and down ride that is parenthood, and they have a right to feel angry, frightened and totally unprepared.

Still, it's important that your stress level doesn't get out of control. My experience was that everyone who initially reacted negatively came around within a few weeks, but it was important that I knew when to listen to their feelings and when to end the conversation for my own mental health during that few weeks. A good friend who had a similar experience with her family gave me some sage advice during that time: Be clear about the finality of your decision to have the baby. If you need to, tell those who aren't coming around that while you empathize with their feelings, you can't have any further conversations with them until they can find a way to accept your decision.

Of course, your family's reaction might be all sunshine and hearts and flowers, but be aware that even people who love you can react badly to the news of your pregnancy - and that doesn't mean that they love you any less. It may mean that they are really doing the prep work for a long-term commitment to supporting you, even though they didn't get to have a say in the timing or the circumstances.

Sharing Your Body With Another Human Being Is the Best Preface to Parenthood That God Could Ever Write.

I know, I know. I'm not even considered a bonafide parent yet, but as I began to accept the responsibilities associated with playing a role in creating the miracle that is life inside of me, I started to appreciate the perfection of it all. As someone who smoked for 15 years, my hand was forced into giving up cigarettes and Guinness and otherwise taking good care of myself. I learned that the woman who had never successfully been able to quit smoking for more than a month at a time was now a mother in the making who just did it, even if it sucked. And continued to suck. And still occasionally sucks, especially in the evening after a hard day's work. It's still better for my baby and means that I'm doing everything I can to have more time with her, and that outweighs the sucking. I'm not saying I won't ever crack open a cold one and have one of my friend Casey's cigarettes on my first girl's night out, or even that I haven't fantasized about that moment time and time again during these months of trying to keep my blood as pure as virgin spring water. I'm just saying that I can no longer afford to sit around and abuse myself because I am no longer my own - and that will be true even when my little bundle of joy no longer relies on my blood or my breast for nourishment - because she will always need me.

I'll admit that I was one of those who thought she'd love every second of every minute of being pregnant. I imagined being radiant all of the time with gigantic breasts and an adorable tummy with all of nature singing just for me. Sure, there may be a little bit of an upset stomach now and again, and labor would be kind of scary, but other than that, pregnant life is but a dream! All the mothers in the house are laughing their as_es off, I'm sure.

The truth is that I have had some very special moments that I will treasure for the rest of my life - nothing can compare to feeling the baby moving inside of me, or seeing her move on the ultrasound or hearing her heartbeat. It's also true that I get lots of attention I never had before. People do naturally oooh and ahh and want to touch you and give you their seat on the train and so on and so forth, but you never forget that they give you their seat because you need it. Your back aches and you're completely drained from a full day's work.

None of the pregnancy books prepared me for the series of oddities and changes my body would go through during pregnancy, but I have to imagine that they will make me better prepared for physical and emotional marathon of parenting. That's what I tell myself anyway. As I sit here typing right now, I have the usual burning pain under my breastbone that I always get after sitting for any length of time. That's because my uterus stretches to several inches above my belly button, which means that all of my organs are smushed into a ridiculously small space that's only gonna get smaller. I've had crippling headaches, leg cramps, rashes, and mood swings that truly made me wonder if I was losing my mind. Putting my shoes on is an ordeal because I cannot bend at all. Last week, I made the mistake of going to brew the coffee naked in the morning before making a trip to the bathroom. To my horror, I sneezed and accidentally peed a little bit on the kitchen floor. And I'm one of the lucky ones.

Another really hard thing is that, due to a low-lying placenta, I haven't been able to do the deed for 2 months now. I can do everything else, just not it. The "everything else" might be better if my breasts were gigantic, but unfortunately, they're only about a half cup size bigger than they were before. For a short time, I was terrified that this would cause my significant other to leave me or cheat on me, but I have been amazed by how much closer we have grown through this experience. I'm not saying it's the lack of sex that did it. I'm just really falling deeper in love with him as he shows that he loves me in so many other ways. I have increased confidence that, as parents, we will make a strong team and I know that the moment my doctor allows it, we'll make the time and the space alone that we'll need.

The other way in which pregnancy serves as a great precursor to parenthood is that with complications like bedrest or genetic testing scares comes a newfound appreciation for just getting through the day with everyone safe and alive and healthy. As something like a stepmother to my significant other's two older kids, I was always pushing him to think more long-term about the kids. Even though he is one of the best parents I have ever had the good fortune to know - much less raise my own child with - I thought I could help by encouraging him to live less in the moment. I'd be prone to say things I thought were brilliant, like "If you give in to him now, the behavior will just continue." Sometimes, we'd talk about the kids and I'd stew over some issue or another and he'd tell me that all that mattered to him right now was that his children were fed and safe and tucked into their beds. Now, as I become a parent, I really understand what he means. While thinking long-term is still important and people who aren't parents have something valuable to add to discussions about parenting, there's a point at which all the talk and the planning in the world fades in importance and the real priority is that your little one is safe, healthy, and feeling loved.

Things Really Will Be O.K.

I can't even begin to describe the ways in which my daughter has helped to make things better and set the right things in motion already, and she hasn't even been born yet. My partner, my father, my boss, my friends, my family - they have all become the best people they can be. They've given me their shoulder, their ear, their words of love and advice. They've given me peace of mind that my child will have some of the best role models anyone could have picked out. I don't expect that it will always be easy, but I'm not taking this time of discovery for granted. Even though everything is changing inside of me and around me so quickly, I know everything will be o.k. and I wish every new mother the same.

I realize that these reflections don't answer your questions about back labor, caloric intake, or breast vs. the bottle, but I found that the books and the Expecting Clubs on ivillage.com are better resources for that. Every woman and every pregnancy is totally unique, but I hope that this helps women out there who have experiences similar to mine.

Now, I just have to get this nesting instinct and perpetual craving for cupcakes, pancakes and cheese pastries under control. When I conquer those challenges, I'll be sure to update.

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