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Member Advice Summary
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A Husband and a Wife
by ddustyrose | Mar 28 '07
Robert Green Ingersoll said It is a thousand times better to have common sense without education than to have education without common sense. Robert was a wise man.
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Re: Dunno why ? continued (Reply to this comment)
by ddustyrose
Thank you Lou! I am moving kadimah and love making my own decisions. It's a learning process but empowers me to do things I never thought possible.
I've been in Florida and am behind on so many things but am catching up.
My oldest granddaughter turns 18 this month and graduates high school next month. She starts college this fall so I'm having good but sad feelings about her growing up so fast. Yesterday she was a baby and now she's a young woman moving towards a new life. I feel like snatching her back and keeping her a young child a few more years. It's not going to happen though. I AM looking forward to seeing how her adult life unravels. They do grow up and they do move forward,..........
Shalom! :)
Dusty
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Apr 11 '08
10:30 am PDT
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Dunno why ? continued (Reply to this comment)
by louisdrinkingt
Dusty, good to read that you're doing fine
and feeling happy and having arrived at those decisions...
keep moving...---->>> kadimah = forward..
behatz'lecha...
lou.
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Apr 02 '08
4:39 am PDT
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Re: Re: I Had No Idea... (Reply to this comment)
by AinsleyJo
Some people make better platonic friends than marriage partners, and this seems to be the case with you and your ex-husband.
At least, you were blessed with wonderful kids during your mistake of a marriage.
Something really neat happened to me last year.
Back in 1977, I thought I'd met that really special someone.
This wasn't the first time I'd entertained such thoughts and it wouldn't be the last, but there was something about this particular time that made it really stand out for me.
But there came a time when there was no turning back--that is, I'd met other people, and this guy paled in comparison.
Yet, for some reason, I did this kind of soul-searching in late 2006 or early 2007 where I realized that I wasn't ready to be married to anybody and just wanted to enjoy my personal freedom.
Would I ever be ready to marry?
To that, a very surprising answer came back: Not until I met somebody who made me feel as if it were 1977 all over again--and even better.
It was shortly after that when Russell and I met through a writing site--and, one day, I was suddenly hearing ABBA & The Bee Gees playing in my head and remembering things like CBs and disco balls!
It wouldn't surprise me to find out that either your husband, you, or both might have settled for each other but had people in your lives you'd rather marry if you had the chance. I'm guessing this to be true of your husband more than you. If this is the case, I wonder if your ex might not go on Classmates and try to look her up again. Perhaps, she, too, will be single, and they can complete what they should have continued thirty some years ago.
Anyway, enjoy your new freedom, and I hope you'll get to feeling really good about yourself, because you deserve nothing less!
Hugs!
AJ :-)
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Apr 01 '08
8:50 am PDT
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Re: I Had No Idea... (Reply to this comment)
by ddustyrose
Hi AJ,
It's good to hear from you again. I meant to reply to one of your comments yesterday but was busy packing for my trip to Florida. It's raining here today and I'll be so glad to go somewhere where the sun shines....even if it rains a day or two while I'm gone, the warm temp's will make up for it.
Things became so bad between my husband and myself I had to file for a divorce. Many unpleasant things happened between him and me, our marriage could not be saved. More things happened but it would take a book to write them down.
There was even an incidence here at Eps which made things even a tad more difficult to my already painful life (my poem Disorder). The person involved, was ticketed and then removed from the site (that seems like a nice way to put it).
But, things have ended well and I hope I never have to go through that again. Ending a marriage, I mean. We were married over 30 years so you can imagine this was not an easy thing for me to do.
We get along a lot better now. Life is good. I'm doing fine. The kids are fine....and I'd even go so far as to say, I'm very, very happy. I guarantee you this.......I'll never, ever get married again....you invest too much of yourself only to wind up on the losing end. NOPE. NOT AGAIN. I'm happy living by myself. Life is so peaceful and I think I deserve this freedom from a man who didn't love me.......I'm gonna be good to myself and learn to like me again. :)
Thanks for leaving a comment....I'm glad to see you're back and hey, come back again and stay longer. :)
Hugs,
Dusty
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Mar 31 '08
6:59 am PDT
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I Had No Idea... (Reply to this comment)
by AinsleyJo
...that things were this bad.
Not all men to man things, but it sounds to me as if your husband just kinda ignored you except for when he wanted maid service.
Otherwords, he was living like a bachelor with a maid.
There's no Mr. Perfect out there, but you need somebody who will treat you like a wife instead of free maid service--not to mention free yard service, free shopper, and everything else.
One of my stepcousins did just about everything when he and his wife were raising their family when it came to domestic stuff, but Marian was at least cheerful and interacted with her family--and, now that the time has come when Henry can't handle things any longer, Marian has come through to care for both of them really well.
This kind of lopsided marriage can work if there's at least interaction with spouse and kids going on
Best wishes with whatever the future holds for you!
Love & Prayers--
AJ :-)
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Mar 30 '08
4:31 pm PDT
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Re: Re: Re: Dunno why ? (Reply to this comment)
by ddustyrose
Me or my soon to be ex-husband? :)
Dusty
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Jan 17 '08
9:12 pm PST
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Re: Re: Dunno why ? (Reply to this comment)
by asafono
Sounds like a classic passive-aggressive personality.
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Jan 10 '08
4:05 pm PST
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Re: Dunno why ? (Reply to this comment)
by ddustyrose
It depends on who is doing the talking and who is doing the listening....and if what they're saying has meaning.
No disrespect meant, but I must have missed the communication part. :)
Dusty
*smiling*
or trying to over the holidays......
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Dec 25 '07
6:10 pm PST
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Re: Re: Re: Hard to imagine (Reply to this comment)
by ddustyrose
Sunni,
Being eager to please put me in the wrong shoes--I do wish I knew "back then" what I know now.
I know I can be hard to live with at times as I tend towards perfection. To me, it was no big deal to do something right the first time. Being human, I didn't always manage it but I did keep on the straight and narrow.
Never give up, do it right, and take responsibility for all your mistakes.
Some things you just have to give up on as it can't be fixed...you deal with it and go on. The only other choice had to be discarded.
MERRY CHRISTMAS,
Dusty
*smiling*
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Dec 25 '07
6:06 pm PST
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Dunno why ? (Reply to this comment)
by louisdrinkingt
but Dusty, it seems there was communication.
All the best,
lou.
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Dec 24 '07
10:37 pm PST
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Re: Re: Hard to imagine (Reply to this comment)
by Jev04again
Hey Dusty :-) I'm going to butt into this conversation and comment on something you said, about how your husband says "We need to____", whatever. My husband and I have been married for four years, but we've known each other since we were 11 years old, so I really, really, really know this man! Anyway, he's always been a very independent man, a military man - so you can imagine! So after we got married, he just very casually said to me one day, "Hon, I need to get my jeans washed." He was implying that I do it (you had to be there!) and I said, "Okay, let me go get the towels" and I did. I put the hamper in front of him and I flashed him a smile and said, "Thanks Honey!" and walked away. lol He looked at me, blinked a couple of times, and just started laughing. Hey... that washer isn't gonna start itself :-)
You also said, "But, what's done is done...there's a lot of good around the corner...my sense of humor is intact and so is my sanity. Hey, I'm doing good, huh?" I wanted to point out "sense of humor" because it makes all the difference in the world to keep that intact. I once heard that "Seven days without laughter makes one weak." Very true, wouldn't you say? :-)
Take good care...
- Sunni
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Oct 02 '07
10:00 am PDT
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Re: Hard to imagine (Reply to this comment)
by ddustyrose
Hi Margaret,
I agree with the previous comment - real men stand up and take responsibility. Penguinman stands on his head to do more than his share around the house. I know he's a rare bird, but your story really does sound extreme.
You are so lucky! My oldest daughter and her husband work together. They are a team. Her husband will go beyond what other men would do. On her days off, she'll work to catch up around the house (do the shopping, strip the beds, clean the floors, clean bathrooms, etc). When she's at work, her husband cleans bathrooms, when the kids were smaller, give them their baths, he cooked supper, he did the dishes, he helped with homework, he takes the kids to their after school activities...in other words, he is there for his family. Gasp! He even knows how to use the washer and dryer. My husband doesn't. When one can't do something, the other picks up the slack and does it.
If they both have the same day off, he'll clean her car! Can you imagine that? He also checks to make sure her car is safe for her to drive.
So my question is... Why do you make his bed for him? Why do you keep bailing him out?
It kept the peace and when the kids were still living at home, I didn't want them to grow up in an environment with a lot yelling and screaming.
And it became a habit...I broke many habit's and now life is different. He demands I change my ways...go back to being the person I was..DO AS HE SAYS...Geez, I seem to have lost my hearing as I don't hear a word he says...I've reached the point I can see his "pie hole" open, but not hear a word he says. :)
I bought a new recliner for the living room...found out I wasn't allowed to arrange the living room the way I wanted. It had to be his way so now, I clean the part of the living room I sit in and don't clean his part. It's not my living room, so why should I clean it?
As for making his bed...yes, I do that just as I wash and iron his clothes. I feel there are some things I "must" do in order to pay for the food he puts on the table and the roof over my head. Come to think of it, those are about the only things I do for him anymore. But then I've put in over 30 years of GOOD service and now I'm ready to retire. :)
If it had been me, I would have neatly folded his laundry that he ran over with the mower and put it on his dresser for him to put away.
At the time, I didn't think! I was furious at him. Little by little, I've learned to plan and lines have been drawn....straight lines with one goal set in front of me.
And if he wouldn't mow without being nagged for weeks, I'd hire someone to do it, if possible.
Unfortunately, we've had a drought in our state which resulted in dead grass/weeds (we have over 20 acres but I would only keep around 3 acres of it mowed) so mowing the yard hasn't been much of an issue.
I know it's easy to sit back and comment on all this when it's happening in someone else's life, but I do agree with Melissa - the only person you can control or change is yourself, and sometimes that's not so easy, either!
Melissa has seen (and lived) with this man and could probably tell you more about how she saw him growing up. I am obliged to him for putting food on the table, clothes on their backs and a roof over their heads but then isn't that part of a father's responsibility?
Sympathies, dearie, and I hope you find a way to get through this with your sanity and sense of humor intact.
Thank you Margaret. All the good wishes, care and offers of support have meant more than I can say.
A few people have made this time harder than necessary...and really, I let myself be rattled and mentioned this divorce when I had no intention of doing so. It wasn't meant to be public.
But, what's done is done...there's a lot of good around the corner...my sense of humor is intact and so is my sanity. Hey, I'm doing good, huh? :)
Dusty
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Oct 02 '07
8:07 am PDT
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Re: An outsider's perspective. (Reply to this comment)
by ddustyrose
Where I come from a man ain't judged by how tall, strong or hairy he is.
Good one Vasalis! :) All the men in my family were tall and strong except for one. A cousin of mine married a short man and ya wanta know what his nickname was? PEANUT. He sat in Anna's lap. Anna never sat in his. :)
A man is acknowledged a man on his reliability (I can't find a better word in English, sorry).
It sounds good enough to me. He is reliable in that he does work. Well, he goes to work...once he gets there, I'm assuming he does work as he still has his job. :)
Is his word a contract? Better yet, does he act without a need for many words, before of after?
He doesn't act at all. Example: Strong winds during the tornado season cause a lot of limbs to fall from trees (heavy rains also do this). I have a bad back (pinched nerves)...he doesn't...but he won't pick the limbs up or even help. That's my job.
Another example: If anything tears up around the house, it's my job to get it fixed. He will say, "We need to fix _______, but what he's meaning is I need to fix it or get it fixed. When I call him out this we business of his, he only replies that he means me and not we, and then he'll say, "You know what I meant."
When my son lived at home, he was the man of the house. My husband would watch his son work. He'd even stand beside him and tell him what to do when he knew nothing about the problem.
He would lecture you on a subject which he was ignorant of.
My husband goes to work, comes home and that's the end of his day. He does nothing after that. His day has ended...the house could fall down around him and he'd not care. If it fell down, he'd only tell me to get it fixed.
I have a million examples but not enough time to write them down. :)
Is he someone you can rely on to help himself and others out of life's problems?
No, he's not. I've had surgeries before and he would take off work to "help" me but instead, he'd sit, or lay on the couch, watch ball games and sleep. A neighbor can be sick and his yard needs attention but he won't walk across the road to give it. I would go to help clean or "sit" with the sick person when needed. He considered what I did our contribution to a neighbor/family in need.
From what you've written your husband would not be viewed as much of a man here - regardless of what he can or can't do. He doesn't have the mentality. If my candour offends you, I'm sorry. It is at the end of the lawn none of my business.
It doesn't offend me. The truth is the truth, is the truth, is the truth and you've not twisted it at all. The truth is, I've had people make comments to me as to the kind of man he is, or isn't. Even the mail woman has asked me about him.
Small towns get the measure of a man in no time.
I've stopped doing it all around here. He's not happy and is retaliating!
That's OK, his term in office is about to expire. :)
Dusty
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Oct 02 '07
7:20 am PDT
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Hard to imagine (Reply to this comment)
by Penguinlady
I agree with the previous comment - real men stand up and take responsibility. Penguinman stands on his head to do more than his share around the house. I know he's a rare bird, but your story really does sound extreme.
So my question is... Why do you make his bed for him? Why do you keep bailing him out? If it had been me, I would have neatly folded his laundry that he ran over with the mower and put it on his dresser for him to put away. And if he wouldn't mow without being nagged for weeks, I'd hire someone to do it, if possible.
I know it's easy to sit back and comment on all this when it's happening in someone else's life, but I do agree with Melissa - the only person you can control or change is yourself, and sometimes that's not so easy, either!
Sympathies, dearie, and I hope you find a way to get through this with your sanity and sense of humor intact.
Margaret
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Oct 01 '07
1:48 pm PDT
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An outsider's perspective. (Reply to this comment)
by lammet
Where I come from a man ain't judged by how tall, strong or hairy he is. His manhood is not a relation of how many beers he can drink in front of the TV or out with his buddies. A man is acknowledged a man on his reliability (I can't find a better word in English, sorry). Is his word a contract? Better yet, does he act without a need for many words, before of after? Is he someone you can rely on to help himself and others out of life's problems? From what you've written your husband would not be viewed as much of a man here - regardless of what he can or can't do. He doesn't have the mentality. If my candour offends you, I'm sorry. It is at the end of the lawn none of my business.
-Vasilis
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Oct 01 '07
5:13 am PDT
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Teresa (Reply to this comment)
by ddustyrose
Yes, he really is hopeless. Sigh. I did make my own bed, though...musta made it in my sleep! :) As for having patience, it's definitely running out.
Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Days of Our Lives.
No, I don't watch it anymore...haven't for 20 years but I still remember that phrase.
Thanks for stopping by...it's nice meeting you!
Dusty
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Aug 18 '07
12:28 am PDT
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* (Reply to this comment)
by virtuelle2
Oh, man, what you have to put up with! He's hopeless, isn't he? But you're something else altogether. Others wouldn't be as patient as you (I wouldn't), but you're a good person and a very strong, and extremely patient and kind character! Thanks for sharing this rather hilarious but also frustrating tale!
~ Teresa
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Aug 16 '07
5:49 am PDT
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YOu (Reply to this comment)
by susiewho
rule!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!How patient are you and how hilarious was this!!!
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Aug 04 '07
5:02 am PDT
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Re: super (Reply to this comment)
by ddustyrose
Thank you so much!
Dusty
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Jul 22 '07
8:05 pm PDT
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super (Reply to this comment)
by susiewho
read
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Jul 21 '07
4:58 am PDT
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Re: This... (Reply to this comment)
by melissasrn
Hi Gina,
Thanks for stopping by...long time no hear from.
My husband hasn't been on the mower since then but he may have to mow since I'm at my oldest daughter's for a week. I'll find out when I go home on the 12th. :)
Hugs,
Dusty
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Jun 03 '07
7:50 am PDT
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This... (Reply to this comment)
by faithforever
is truly a awesome essay Dusty... Thank you for the fun read and I hope your husband learns to mow without messing up your clothes :) Hugs, Gina
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Jun 02 '07
9:08 am PDT
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Re: Hell hath no fury like a mad woman dealing with an incompetent nincompoop. (Reply to this comment)
by ddustyrose
Hi Gill,
I believe there is something in this IQ thing as my husband's IQ is high also (so are my 3 kids but at least they have common sense along with some "smarts"). He has 90 hours above his master's degree. I'm not saying that to brag about him or anything--he does irk me--and I can't help but think if someone is smart, they should be able to do basic, simple things...well, things considered "men" things.
He disagree's. :) We've been married way over 30 years and I've come to the conclusion he's never going to change and I rather think you're right when you said PS. I believe that he thinks that by doing a job badly you will never ask him to do it again.
The trouble is my Dad's not around to do all the "men" things and my son has a wife who wants her husband to do things around their house and not be gone from home for long. He lives about 2 miles from me...he will come and help me with something if I call, but I hate calling. I hate asking anyone to do anything for me.
I got such a laugh out of you and the wardrobe! I could see such an incident around here happening. The difference being...my husband will say what he wants done and then expect someone else to do it. I tell him he thought of the idea so he can do it. He says it doesn't work that way. He's got the brain, his ideas are the best (he does think he'd make a great king), and everyone is supposed to fall in line and do his bidding.
He's had a hard time, poor thing, as this just doesn't happen. :)
Thanks for stopping in. I've been super busy for the past few months (also had computer trouble and wound up having to buy a new tower) and I'm way behind on my Epinion Alerts...I do try to stop in once in awhile though.
After June 23rd, my life should be back to normal but I'm ready NOW! It can't get here too soon to suit me.
I'm going to my oldest daughter's (melissasrn) tomorrow to stay with the kids while her and her husband spend a week in FL for their 20th wedding anniversary. I wonder if they'd take me with them? :) Probably not.
Hugs,
Dusty
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May 30 '07
8:35 pm PDT
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Hell hath no fury like a mad woman dealing with an incompetent nincompoop. (Reply to this comment)
by gillandtony
Oh how I laughed when I read this !!
I sympathise.
I also have to tell you this.Tony is no expert at DIY but he has a go.Once he decided to move a wardrobe and unscrewed it from the inside.I mean! He has an incredibly high IQ but sometimes it just doesn't function on a practical level.
So, he yelled for me and I came running. Seeing the wardrobe about to collapse and crash through the picture window,I ended up practically standing in the wardrobe holding the sides together with both arms.As I had no hands free I supported the shelf with my head. Finally he started to screw it back together. All the while I was muttering (loudly) about the stupidity of unscrewing the wardrobe in the first place. So Tony says
"If you don't like it then go back downstairs"
and I yell back
" How can I go downstairs when I've got a wardrobe on my head".
Well, we laughed so hard that it's a wonder that any of us survived.
Regards,
Gill
PS. I don't believe that your husband is an incompetent nincompoop.I believe that he thinks that by doing a job badly you will never ask him to do it again.
PPS. The wardrobe lived to fight another day.
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May 29 '07
9:50 pm PDT
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Re: I understand . . . (Reply to this comment)
by ddustyrose
...are we walking in the same shoes?
Dusty
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Apr 07 '07
11:09 am PDT
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Re: can commisserate (Reply to this comment)
by ddustyrose
Barbara,
I noticed your husband helps out when you had surgery and I found myself thinking "how nice" it is that some men do realize there are times when "you" need help.
A few years ago, I had surgery so my husband said he was going to take off work for a week to help me. One of my neighbors (she died several months ago and I do miss her), knew how my husband was so she brought me an old metal pot with a spoon so I could bang on it to get his attention.
He did stay home that week but he sat in the living room watching ball games and sleeping. To get a glass of water took a lot of banging on that pot.
My son and then my oldest daughter took care of me when I had Rocky Mountain Spotted fever.
My husband does put his dirty clothes in the basket...I have to say he does pick up after himself and I don't have to gather them up for washing. Not that I would at this stage of life!
As for cooking, LOL, he can't do it but then neither can I. I keep trying but I can't seem to master many of the basics.
Thanks for the kind thoughts...they were appreciated more than you know.
Dusty
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Apr 07 '07
10:59 am PDT
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Re: Re: Re: Hiya Dusty (Reply to this comment)
by ddustyrose
Sure, I'll mow your yard! I do my best "thinking" when I'm on the mower...me and young John going up, down, and across.
The thing I gotta watch out for in the late (well, sometimes early) spring and summer (and even fall, LOL), are the snakes that are lurking to catch me unawares.
I've had them to fall out of trees on top of me, dug them up out of the ground (while digging potatoes from the garden and after that, NO MORE veggie gardens), come in the house for a visit, and if you can name it, I can probably say it's happened to me.
We've even had them on the motors of our cars, and once, when I was a kid, a relative had a clunker of a car...holes in the floorboard, and while driving down the road, out it comes from under the seat and talk about scaring the crap outta ya, that'll do it.
I've also had one to bite me.
Snakes? Shudder...I don't like!
Dusty
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Apr 07 '07
10:43 am PDT
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I understand . . . (Reply to this comment)
by CyndiA
totally.
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Apr 06 '07
5:56 am PDT
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can commisserate (Reply to this comment)
by ifif1938
My husband in many ways is a great person and after being married to him for over 40 years I still get crazy when I realise how helpless he is when it comes to fixing things or helping me around the house....I know he works long hours in the restaurant, sometimes 10 hours, so I do cut him some slack but really, sometimes I want to hit him over the head...A handyman he is not, but lately, since my back surgery, he has been helping me a bit more then usual and even helps me make the bed in the morning...:)
But what is it about throwing his socks on the floor everyday instead of the hamper which is just few feet away??? How many times do I have to tell him? so I decided to live with that...and when he does do some cooking, which he enjoys, I'd rather clean up the mess the way I like it then the way he thinks it looks clean...but I accept that..
What I won't accept and won't go into here, we have resolved over the years for the most part, though I really wish he was fixer upper..:)
Hope things work out for you in every way you want and deserve..
Hugs to you
Barbara
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Apr 03 '07
8:03 am PDT
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Re: Re: Hiya Dusty (Reply to this comment)
by smorg
he can drive a car and yet he comes to me saying he can't find the ignition.
Whoa! There are worse lame-excusers than I am in this world after all (but now I'll have to think up a new excuse not to mow my mom's lawn.... drat!)! Hey, do you still feel like mowing some more, Dusty? ;o)
Honestly you and my mom would get along well. She's a retired doctor and now treats her garden plants instead of sick people. Still doesn't mow, tho... And dad'd rather golf than cut grass.
Hope your week has started well!
Cheers,
Smorgy :o)
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Apr 02 '07
10:13 am PDT
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