My Secret to Being a Supermom? The Love and Support of a Superdad!
Feb 29 '08
The Bottom Line Behind every Supermom is a Superpartner! This essay is an ode to my husband.
Many of my colleagues, friends, and students marvel at the way I have balanced a fulfilling full-time career outside of the home with a loving and fairly well-adjusted family life. Whether it's the tantalizing home-cooked meals I bring for lunch every day, the numerous happy photos of my daughter, husband, and dog displayed in my office, or my cheerful personality despite balancing several demanding roles, folks often comment that I seem to "have it all."
Each time someone compliments me about my ability to balance work and personal life, I am quick to point out that my husband deserves a huge amount of credit for the freedom I have had to pursue both my professional and personal goals, with relatively minor sacrifices in both arenas. Thus, even though this is well after Valentine's Day (Happy Leap Year Day!), I wanted to take the time to articulate more fully the immense love, respect, and gratitude that I have for my partner in life and love.
What does a Superhusband do? What DOESN'T he do?
It's a running joke between us that my husband is the stereotypical supermom while I'm the typical dad. If only our genders were reversed, then this wouldn't be that unusual. He cooks, he spends more time taking care of our daughter than I do, he provides me with unflagging emotional support (a good laugh when I need it and wise advice), he shares almost all the same values (we differ on political issues since he's a small business owner and fiscally conservative) and best of all, he makes me feel beautiful and loved. What more could anyone ask for in a partner?
He Brings Home the Bacon and Cooks It, Too!
One of my favorite things about my husband is that he does all the cooking, baking, and grocery shopping, which is a huge deal as I love to eat. He often says that my love for food is what inspires him to come up with new recipes, just to see my eyes light up with excitement. Every time he prepares a meal, I know he is doing it out of love for me. He says he has the energy to cook, even after a long day of work or watching our daughter, because he knows how happy I will be.
I truly consider him a gourmet cook, as he prepares a wide variety of "fancy" entrees and turns even simple basics into richer, more complex dishes. For instance, on weekends we often have scrumptious multi-course meals that range from the ultra fancy prime rib roast he rotisserie roasts (after marinating it all night in red wine) to the coarsely chopped/ground beef hamburgers (he does it himself with our food processor!) stuffed with goat cheese that he grills after smoking them in our home smoker.
And watch out, if we're hosting a lunch or dinner at our house, he makes enough food to feed an army with plenty of leftovers for everyone! We host Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother's Day, and Father's Day at our house, inviting both sides of the family so we regularly have 15-20 person meals (plus leftovers for 2-3 days after that!).
Even if he did nothing else in our home but cook, I would still worship him for he always comes up with creative dishes with me in mind, as he tries utilizing my favorite ingredients even though he doesn't like some of them (like cheese!).
I'm sure there are other wonderful cooks out there who lovingly cater to their partners' tastes as well. I just don't know how he manages to do this and juggle a demanding job. I frequently ask him to just take it easy after a long day of work, offering to order take-out food. Yet he worries about my health (I have border-line high cholesterol that runs in the family) so he almost always insists we eat something he cooks with low sodium and low fat (but still great taste!). He also sneaks in chopped spinach, flaxseed, wheat germ, and other healthy ingredients in some of his dishes to ensure I get enough vegetables, since I don't really like vegetables, but he manages to spice it up well enough that I still love eating it. Isn't that so sweet?
Fatherhood Has Made Him Even More Loveable!
I never imagined that my love for my husband, who is my best friend, my wisest adviser, and my biggest fan, would grow even deeper after having children and seeing him step up to the plate and knock it out of the ballpark. Sure, I knew on an intellectual level that it would be one of the most challenging experiences we would face together and that my capacity for love would increase with the birth of our children, which I truly see as the physical representation of our love. Yet I didn't fully appreciate just how much of the emotional and logistical burdens he would shoulder as we embarked on this exciting adventure together.
In fact, when I think of my husband in his role as husband and father, I immediately think of the time a large 300+ pound brown bear boarded our houseboat last fall. It was about 4 am on the day we were to leave and go home, shortly before my husband was planning to wake up to go one one last bass fishing run. He sat up suddenly because he heard noises on the front of the boat. He walked to the front of the boat where he saw the bear on the other side of the sliding glass door, pawing through the large garbage can. Apparently, the bear had crawled over the railing from the shore where we docked for the night and just flipped off the lid (which had been bungee corded shut).
My husband turned on the lights and honked the horn, trying to scare the bear off. The bear just gave him a bored, bemused look and turned back to the garbage. So my husband stood there for an hour, between us and the bear, while I held our daughter and our little terrier dog (who had the good sense not to start barking!) in the back of the boat. The bear eventually wandered off, but we remained pretty wired. He even stayed with us the rest of the morning rather than fish the last few hours, in case another bear showed up on the new shore we moved to after the first bear left, which is a HUGE deal as he loves bass fishing on Lake Shasta. I'm not sure what would have happened if that bear decided it wanted some live meat, but I know my husband would have done anything to protect us.
You Can Call Him Mr. Mom But He Probably Won't Answer
What is so special for our family is that my husband also takes on more than half of the child care between the two of us. Our daughter goes to a wonderful daycare center 3 days a week, but my husband watches our daughter all day Monday. He's been doing this since I first went back to work when she was about 4 months old.
He is so patient, creative, and loving. Watching him play with her reminds me just how much I love him and what a wonderful father he is to our daughter. I adore watching him run around the house with her on his shoulders, her leading him by the hand out in the back yard, and all sorts of crazy roughhousing I would be too scared to do with her. Yet he is also our disciplinarian, making sure she respects our family rules and lately has been trying to cut short her "terrible twos" tantrums. He also has always handled the things that make me squeamish/nervous like clipping her fingernails, taking a rectal temperature, and bathing her when she was a newborn.
When our daughter was 3 weeks old, she spiked a 103 degree fever and was subjected to a dozen or more tests (including a spinal tap!). I was an emotional mess that first night. It got to the point where I had to leave the room after seeing her scream/cry/struggle for an hour straight after being stabbed about 15 times in every arm and leg when the entire crew of emergency room nurses could not find a vein to insert an IV (which they never did manage to do!) and then repeatedly poked when they could not insert a catheter (which they never did either!). When we finally got up to the Special Care Nursery with pediatric nurses who are accustomed to working with newborns, the nurse inserted an IV and the catheter on the first try! You can imagine how furious I was that the ER crew did not send us up earlier or call one of them down to help!
While I stood outside the area sobbing, listening to her screams, my husband is the one who stayed with her. He kept murmuring in her ear that she would be ok and he held her down for the x-rays and the spinal tap. I marveled at how strong he was being for our family. I just know he was pretty torn up inside, too, as how can any parent watch their helpless infant subjected to what seems like torture? In short, he is just an amazing parent.
He Completes Me
My husband also fulfills many other roles that help me overcome my weaknesses. He reminds me about family birthdays (I have a terrible memory for those things) and prods me into inviting my parents over or scheduling a lunch with them when it's been too long. I know my parents are not the "ideal" in-laws, so his thoughtfulness stems from his love for me and knowing that I like being the "filial daughter" who invites her parents over. His decision to voluntarily sacrifice precious free time on the weekend to spend with my parents really means a lot to me. But don't worry, he stores up those brownie points so he can take a future weekend to go bass fishing!
He also provides unflagging support for me, encouraging me to advocate for myself professionally, providing wise counsel when I find myself frustrated with certain situations, and providing that "nudge" when I need it. My husband is great about nurturing my emotional needs. I do sometimes fall into the blame-game and feel like the selfish mom who sacrifices her child's emotional needs for her own professional career. We have talked at length several times over the past two years about the guilt I have in NOT wanting to be a stay-at-home mom. I have no doubt that my daughter would love to have me around more, but I don't think I could do it.
This is something I feel selfish for thinking and often beat myself up about it, but my husband immediately reassures me that this is what is best for our family. He also reminds me that I'm trying to be the best mom that I can be and that our daughter would not be happy with a miserable/resentful mom who stayed at home.
Moreover, even though I'm not a stay at home mom and already only get to spend limited time with our daughter, he still encourages me to take time for myself: to read a book, write on Epinions, or indulge in a facial or massage.
He Gives Me the Freedom to Be Me
I also appreciate the fact that my husband works really hard and brings home a good salary, because it relieves me of the pressure of being the breadwinner. I could certainly have taken a much higher-paying job, but knowing that we could rely on his salary for our expenses meant I could choose a career based on what I want to do, not how much it pays. Loving my job makes it much easier to leave my daughter at daycare, as I'm not forced to work at a job I hate. Fortunately, he loves his job, too!
Not only does he give me the freedom to pursue professional goals, but he also accepts me as I am. He tells me I'm beautiful, even though I have let myself become "one of those moms" who doesn't wear make-up and doesn't dress up as much anymore (I keep waiting to lose those last 10 pregnancy pounds so I have resisted buying a lot of new clothes!). I know I should work on my appearance for my own self-esteem, but I never feel pressure to change for appearance's sake. Instead, he compliments me profusely when I do dress up and he also encourages me to work out for health reasons, so it's positive reinforcement as opposed to negative criticism.
Final Thoughts
When we first started dating, I thought he was a handsome, funny, smart guy who was very intuitive and perceptive. He continues to show me how much more devoted and loving he can be. Even 10 years later, I still find myself in awe that he can continue this "act" and not turn into a stereotypical guy. It sometimes feels like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop--no person can be this good, can they?
Apparently, it is possible to have a "fairytale" life. I feel so blessed and I honestly hope that my daughter is not destined to remain single in the hopes of finding a partner that lives up to her father's example!
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
© 1999-2009 Shopping.com, Inc.