PART I: THE INTRODUCTION
Upon receiving the instructions of this write-off, I immediately began going through ideas and concepts that would give me the best chance to win the coveted Crusty Sock. Since I was at work I walked over the cubicle of the person that got me started in this mad universe known as Epinions and after briefing him on the rules I asked my compadre, Jay (better known around these parts as Sleestakk), if he had any ideas. Although he didn’t have any useful ones, he did possess a gem of a story featuring David Lee Roth (big surprise there) which he proceeded to share with me.
“One day when I was in high school I walked into a venue where Van Halen was going to be performing later that evening. When I stepped through the door, the first thing that caught my eye was this obscene mass of hair on this otherwise really cute girl with buttery lips. This wasn’t the typical “poof” hairstyle that most girls had but something that belonged in hair heaven, better known to us at that time as Los Angeles.
“This girl had been arrived hours ago in a brand new Bronco with some friends of hers in order to see Diamond Dave arrive at the stadium,” Jay continued. “She gets her wish because within five minutes of me showing up Dave walks into the building. After a quick glance around the room he immediately focuses in on the hair girl and walks right up to her. Leaning slightly towards her he proclaims ‘I want you to sit on my face’ in a loud voice so that all twenty of us in the room could hear and walks off.
“The girl immediately started going off on how rude he was, also loud enough so that the rest of us could hear, but didn’t sound half as sincere as Dave did.”
I thanked Jay for the story and then proceeded to call him a useless mad haddock, using The Big Book of Being Rude I had recently purchased. Looking at the book I immediately realized that if anybody taking part in this write-off wasn’t aware of this treasure it was my absolute duty to share it with them. So, Jay on behalf of everybody taking part in this write-off, I thank you for indirectly giving me a lubricated topic to write about.
PART II: THE REVIEW
There are a number of reference books available for sloppy yet rambunctious writers like myself to use. I would guess that everybody on this site owns the Big Two, the raw dictionary and juicy thesaurus. Good for you. Handling writers that don’t possess these necessities is like handling a sermon from a Christian nun that has a plump shaft poking out of her robes in the douche needing crotch area. Blasphemy. I have always been happy using the Big Two, but after adding this newest edition to my reference library I might not ever be content again.
The Big Book of Being Rude is a collection of 7000 slang insults culled from the 15th century onwards and with origins throughout the world. Categorized into chapters by broad topics (ex. Horribly Fat and Terribly Thin) and then into smaller sub-topics (ex. Tumble-turds: Short, Fat People), the dictionary will then present a list of all the insults that fall under it, complete with some etymology and a definition if the insult isn’t clear. In the category I’m using as an example the first two listed are:
bundletail [late 17C-early18C] (a short, fat woman)
five by five [1930s+] (Can./US Black; a short fat man, i.e. his girth is the same as his height.)
There are also categories that cover metaphoric insults like the They Couldn’t... section:
fight a bag of shit [20C] (Aus.)
get pussy in a cathouse [1970s] (US Black)
organize a fuck in a brothel [1950s+]
And categories that focus on a particular country like the Three highly offensive Australianisms section found in the Sexually Depraved chapter:
box of assorted creams [1990s] (Aus.; box = vagina, cream=semen
turtle [20C] (orig. Aus.; ‘once she’s on her back, she’s fucked’)
walk-up fuck [20C] (Aus.; i.e. a man need only walk up and ask)
Actually, the Sexually Depraved chapter really deserves it’s own book, as the chances for using these somewhat erotic terms occur way more frequently than most of the others. I can honestly say that having terms like mummy pussy, twiddlepoop, anal astronaut, pugnasty, muffer, semon demon, and town pump are much more fun to use than the common stank, sphincter pirate, nutsack or even Dutch oven smelling, blumpkin giver.
This does not in anyway mean that the rest of the book should be discarded. On the contrary, the introductory chapter Stupid, Irritating and Contemptible covers all the basics, offering words like boob, cheesehead, buttmunch and worry wart in addition to the lesser-known insults like muffin-walloper (a woman who dissects her acquaintances over tea and muffins) and jobberknowl (lit. ‘silly head’). This chapter also provides a jiggly Diamond Dave tidbit. 5150 is the police code for an insane person disrupting the peace.
Another great chapter is called Nationally Disgraceful. Not only does this section of the book cover national and state slurs, but also racial and social epitaphs as well. My favorites are the Country based ones. For instance, the British section has subcategories for The English (kipper), The English Counties (Hampshire hog), The Welsh ( taffy), Scotland (louseland), and many others. The racial ones ARE a bit harsh, but equally entertaining in the way that the book covers practically every race of people. Giving examples from this section might discharge me from the site with bruises all over my already ravaged ego, so I’ll refrain from sharing any.
And then there’s the chapter I relate most to, Grossly Self-Indulgent. Covering every glandular driven desire not related to sex, here you will find insults for lovers and addicts of liquids (legal and non), food and drugs. Whether your weakness is for orally ingested greasy hamburgers (gobble-gut), beer (bubber), cigarettes (knight of the vapour) or opium (pipe-fiend), rest assured this chapter contains hundreds of words to stain you like oily cottage cheese on your minty wedding day tuxedo.
Believe it or not, there are problems with this book. The etymology is about as consistent as a pimply-faced teenage girl’s state of mind. It only lists the country the entry originated from about half the time. Also, there isn’t an alphabetical index which makes searching for specific words as easy as scratching a diseased ravaged phallus infested with lice. Overall, these two problems aren’t worth feces when looking at the overall product.
PART III: THE WRAP-UP
So there you have it. All the words from our gracious host’s list have been covered except for one (and if you can find a place to insert humid into the body of this epinion, whoop-dee-frickin’-do to you). Actually, if you can find a place for the word humid you are obviously much too talented to be spending time on my garbage writing and should mosey your humid ass over to one of the other talented participants in Annexation’s write off:
Kristinafh - Roxymarie - Kris-Kochanski - Xiphoid - Badkittym - Obiwanjabroni - Annexation - Fragglemom - Fez_Monkey - Lessaleigh - Love_Less - Petra - Psychovant - Bijou - Young1028 - Deaser26 - Davidk93 - Brendametcalf - Repulsemonkey - Pogomom - Flamepillar - Jsallen - Galileo365 - Fallenjesusboy - Suspecterrain - Dastr8poop - Seraphofhades - Maggsmomm - Shadow_Dream - Spyder550 - Imokliel - Officer - Artbyjude - Farfetched - Prfstars - Nifer - 29th_Candidate - Sordid-1 - Lattechick - Sloucho - Blackmonolith - Mauriced - Difrentisgood - DGTurtle2 - Jkkelley - Natch
Damn, that’s a fine looking bunch.
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