Asparagus Makes Your Urine Smell
Jul 01 '08 (Updated Jul 24 '08)
The Bottom Line I like my smells and crevices.
I feel the need to write to you right now. I want to know if I can still string together a sentence that makes sense. You see, I have been in a bit of a rut lately. I have been gaining weight on top of weight and I have now ballooned to about 267 pounds. In recent months I have found another one of my monumental life threatening, overwhelming addictions. This addiction is not drugs or alcohol, gambling or prostitutes this time around.
Currently I am battling a peanut butter and jelly sandwich addiction. I eat three peanut butter and grape jelly sandwiches a day – each sandwich with a quarter of a jar of peanut butter and 7-tablespoons of jelly. Before this brutal, evil addiction my weight remained a bulky yet sexy 235 pounds. This addiction seems to literally knock me out into what I call a food coma. Some may call it a Hyperglycemia or high blood sugar. No matter what you call it, the results are the same, extreme overeating and then passing out to a violent, sweaty, and overly interrupted sleep. You see the PB&J are just snacks or desserts between full meals. These full meals were keeping me nice and plump as it was, now you combine the PB&J and you have a complete disaster.
This addiction hit a low when my daughter came home form the grocery store with a jar of fruity sugar free peach jelly. This nearly sent me into an angry depression. What I needed was my manly sugar filled grape jelly, I practically threw myself to the floor, held my breath and pouted until my daughter returned with the goods. There is no substitution.
This addiction hit an all-time low when a prostitute friend of mine was in my home and I called to her from the kitchen into the living room “do you want peanut butter and jelly” Her one track mind thought that I offered “penis butter on her belly”. I realized then that I am not only disturbed but also out of touch. After all it’s not everyday that someone is offered free oral and has PBJ on their mind.
This addiction that I am battling is not the only problem that I experienced in this half of a year - I was also very hard of hearing in both of my ears. Most everything sounded muddled and confusing. Just about every conversation started and finished with me saying “what” and getting angry at people for not speaking clearly. Each of my nights entailed ringing in my ears and a head-ach, along with pondering my hearing situation. Not until the left side of my face turned numb did I decide to see the doctor. My general physician sent me to an ear, nose and throat doctor. Within seconds of the nurse looking into my ears she knew what was wrong. She had the doctor confirm that I needed my ears flushed. Yes that’s right, there was way too much earwax packed deep into both of my ears. The nurse was amazed. She said that I set all kinds of records for ear potatoes. The first record came in the form of my right ear as the nurse poured peroxide directly onto the earwax. The foam and crackling sounded like the forth of July came early. There was so much activity going on in my ears as the peroxide loosened the impacted spuds. Four minutes later the nurse came and flushed the loose particles with a strong stream of warm water. What came from each of my ears set all time records and had the ability to interest and fascinate millions. There were globs of earwax that can only we described as vast. There was about four large chunks in each ear all surrounded by many other little buddies as the nurse refereed them. In all, each ear turned 16 ounces of water earwax brownish yellow with a dozen or so floating potato creatures.
After leaving the doctor’s office I was able to hear the birds sing and the banjos play. My hearing is now again perfect and that make life much easier for me.
As a celebration of getting my hearing back my daughter took me to one of my favorite restaurants in Chicago name Fox’s. This restaurant has the greatest steaks. With the steak comes four 6-inch asparagus pieces that were out of this world. But let me tell you, my pee smelled like a Mexican’s armpit for two full days. This may not be breaking news that asparagus makes your urine smell – however at my age my bodily functions are the only things on my mind. However as long as this overwhelming earwax does not get mixed in with my peanut butter and the prostitute does not smell my urine all is good for now in the world of the very sexy Mr. Stockholder.
- stock
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Member: Chuck Broginger
Location: Chicago
Reviews written: 65
Trusted by: 182 members
About Me:
I am back and with skid marks !
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