The Crispy One ReturnsDec 06 '08 (Updated Dec 25 '08) Write an essay on this topic.
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Yup, the time is nigh. After nearly three years of absence from the best damn consumer website on the internet, the man known solely as "He Who Makes Typos" is officially back, and this time it's for good. No false dawns, no empty promises, no regretful little fumbles behind the bike shed, this is the real deal. SIMPLY CRISPY. IS. BACK. Now don't get me wrong. I know I've been away for a long time, so long that the powers-that-be have finally programmed the most basic of HMTL buttons in the Review Body boxes; so long that I may, or may not, be able to construct a cohesive sentence (don't hold me to that though); so long that the chances are the vast majority of the people who scour through the land of Epinions probably don't even know who I am... Hell, I fully anticipate that this news will massively underwhelm most of you whom have never acquainted themselves with my musings, and indeed those who have, but that will all change, oh yes. In the same way I originally came onto this website, in the fall of 2000, as a wide eyed, innocent Brit and spent the best part of three years beating you all into submission with my sub-par, relentless, and pitiful movie reviews until I ruled this entire website with an iron fist, I vow here and now that I shall do the same circa 2009. And to prove myself on this matter, I shall throw down the gauntlet: elect for me a film to review, and a timescale in which to submit the review. Whatever the choice, whatever the deadline*, I shall meet it with aplomb. In fact, let's go one step further: Not only will you tell me what film I have to review, I want you to tell me what kind of review I have to submit. You want me to do a one star review of any of the Bourne films? No problem. Or perhaps you'd like me to spash a glorious five star appraisal of the original Star Wars film across the internet? Maybe you'd like me to analyse the entire Uwe Boll filmography without resorting to profanities? You got it. The best suggestion will be granted my first review in my now permanent residence on Epinions.com. The more inventive, the more chance I'll accept the challenge. The choice, you beautiful people, is yours. *Give me a minimum of a one week's notice though, yeah? In fact, with Christmas coming up don't expect the first review to be until the New Year. Probably.  |
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