Mother's Day Gift Giving - A Practical Guide for the Whole Family
Apr 23 '09
The Bottom Line A little Mother's Day advice for everyone.
Mother's Day, like any gift-giving occasion, can be fraught with pitfalls. As a daughter, daughter-in-law and mother, I've fallen in more of those pits than I care to admit. But from my bumbling can come your perfect Mother's Day, whether you are a mother, a child or any other family member. Since one size never fits all, I'm going to break this down into family composition, the single most important determining factor in what makes Mother's Day a day to remember or a day to willfully forget. Yes, this is long, but feel free to skip to the portion that pertains to you and your family. Why don't we start "small"?
Families with Small Children
Tip #1: Moms, feel free to be a little selfish!
On my first Mother's Day as a parent we took our infant son to visit my parents. Of course we did - we went to see my mother on Mother's Day. So we spent the day and I came home exhausted and in tears. No matter how much I loved my mother, it was clear that we had made a mistake. Taking an infant visiting can be (and was) stressful as new mothers try to attend to the needs of their child, honor their own mother and somehow squeak in a little bit of celebration of their own new motherhood. Honestly, it was a complete disaster.
Forever after we vowed that Mother's Day and Father's Day were to center on the mother and father in our house. Yes, I know it sounds horribly selfish, but the best gift you can give a mother with small children is a day with as much peace as can reasonably be achieved. Asking her to travel does not accomplish this goal. Small children are fabulous, but they can suck the life out of any parent if there is no respite in sight. Spend time with your own mother the day or weekend before or after - send flowers, a gift, a card - she remembers what it's like to be stressed and exhausted. But you mothers of the very young, make that day your own, you've earned it and it will recharge your batteries for Father's Day!
Tip #2: Moms and Dads, remember the limits of your children
It's tempting to want to plan a day for Mom that includes all of her favorite things, be they shopping or eating out or movies or nature walks. But it's important to remember that young children have the attention spans of nits - if it isn't about them, they will lose interest in approximately 11 seconds. Rather than expect them to join Mom for the fun things she might like to do, perhaps a special breakfast and gifts followed by a baby-sitter would be more appreciated by tired Mom. It's perfectly normal and natural for children to be completely centered on themselves, so let them do that and whisk Mom away for some quiet time or adult time. Another alternative to solving this problem is to plan activities that Mom and children all love - with Dad or another relative taking on all the administrative parenting tasks for the outing (yep, that includes diapers!).
Families with School Aged Children
Tip #1: Let the kids be part of the gift preparations
These are the golden years of homemade gifts. I treasure every lopsided heart shaped card, macaroni necklace and unidentifiable piece of pottery I have ever received from my children. It's also what I think of as the "Age of the Knick Knack". My kids have loved getting me things to set about the house. It's a tangible symbol that they love me and by displaying their gifts, I'm providing a tangible symbol that they are loved in return. These gifts from innocent hearts brimming with love for their moms are a wonderful reminder of simpler days when those same children become adolescents. Trust me.
Tip #2: Don't let the kids take over all the gift preparations
School aged kids still have some of the short attention span of their younger peers, as well as issues with grand ideas accompanied by minimal skill sets. Breakfast in bed? Sounds great unless the seven-year-old did it all by himself, in which case it's more likely to end in tears from the child and a large mess to clean up for Mom. This is where Dad or another family member comes in - an adult needs to help keep those sweet and eager plans realistic. That same adult is the one who can take the loving kids out for some much needed exercise so Mom can have a nap (since that breakfast was probably at 6 am). Don't be fooled - Mother's Day is more work for Dad than for children until those children are well into their teen years (and maybe even then).
Families with Teenagers
Tip #1: Relax
Teenagers are a lot like infants - their ability to focus on anything other than their own worlds for more than four minutes is severely limited, this time by hormones. Moms need to give them a break - and take a break from them. Dad will likely be dragging teens shopping for a present and doing all of the preparations for any other activities. Moms can make their own day less stressful and more enjoyable by simply going with the flow. Be happy with whatever your teen comes up with, be it a card or just a surly grunt. They're probably doing the best they can and are no happier being so annoying than you are happy living with them that way. This too shall pass. Dad, pick up some decadent chocolates and treat Mom to a nice dinner either with or without the kids. She needs to know someone appreciates her!
Tip #2: Don't be afraid to ask for what you want
Mom, if what you want for Mother's Day is for your teenager to rake the back yard, ask straight out. They aren't going to do it on their own just because it's Mother's Day. They may have already deigned to eat breakfast with you, anything more done independently might shatter their connection with the only reality they know - TeenWorld. But these kids still have the soul of those little sweethearts who wanted to move the earth for you when they were younger. When asked, they tend to be more than willing (albeit with a few obligatory grumbles - they have to maintain their Teen Status) to join the family and celebrate or help Dad make the day fun and relaxing for Mom. They still adore you, Mom, they just aren't allowed (by Teen Law) to show it right now - especially if you're out in public (the horror!).
Families with Adult Children
Here's where everything becomes complicated. In an ideal world every adult child would have a close and loving relationship with both of their living parents. In the real world it just doesn't always work out that way. So....
Tip #1: Respect your own situation
If giving gifts isn't something you feel comfortable with as an adult child, don't feel pressured to do so. If you see your mom every day and she's your best friend and you want to take her on a trip to Hawaii, do just that. But don't let the hype make you do anything you aren't comfortable with within the confines of your family relationship.
Respecting your situation also means respecting where both parent and child are in their lives. Busy college students, young professionals, new parents - sometimes they aren't going to have either the financial or emotional resources to make a big Mother's Day gesture. Plus, they may simply live too far away to visit. Moms with adult children may have other things planned - they do have lives after all - or as time goes on, health issues that interfere with grand celebrations. But anyone can dial a phone or send a card. Moms, don't expect the world from young adult kids and kids, remember your mom in some way, even if it's small and inexpensive. It isn't the cost of the gift, it's letting your mom know you're thinking of her that counts.
Tip #2: Beware of Too Much Stuff
At some point I realized that neither of my parents needed any more stuff. What they needed they had, what they wanted they generally bought and they already had a household full of knick knacks from our respective school aged years. If anything, they were beginning to downsize. So I began to try hard to give gifts of "experiences" rather than "things". Tickets to a football game from me and my siblings, my coveted chocolate chip cookies, a visit and a trip out to dinner. My rule of thumb is that if it needs to be dusted, they don't want it. This brought back some of the homemade gifts of yore (though hopefully executed with slightly more skill) and made me really think about what my mom liked to do. If we could do it together that was great, but if not I knew that she would have an experience she truly enjoyed. Since she died, I have followed the same rule for my dad on Father's Day and I think he very much looks forward to the package containing a double batch of those cookies.
Tip #3: The In-Laws
If you're like me, you have a spouse who happily cedes all shopping duties to you. I don't mind - I love to shop and happily pick out gifts for my in-laws for most occasions. I love them dearly and (hopefully) the feeling is mutual. For Mother's Day we began a tradition early in our marriage that has given my mother-in-law a relatively precious commodity and is something only I can give her. On Mother's Day, I stay home. Almost every family get-together once children marry includes the spouse. But on Mother's Day, my husband (and usually the kids) goes to see her without me. She deserves some time with the child she bore without the spouse that he chose. He brings a small gift (following the "no more stuff" rule, it's often candy from our favorite chocolatier) and spends a couple of hours with his mom. I get to sleep in and she gets her son to herself.
A Special Shout Out to Dads on Mother's Day
In our house, there is one person who makes Mother's Day a day that I look forward to all year. It's by far my favorite holiday and that is in large part due to the extraordinary effort made by my husband to make it so. He shops for or with the kids, takes care of all household duties and makes whatever I want for meals every Mother's Day. I suspect there are a lot of dads out there who do the same - they appreciate the things we moms do for the kids and want us to know that. Bless every one of them and their commitment to their families and wives and their understanding that kids alone don't always appreciate Mom during the years when she needs it the most. Thanks Dads!
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