If the Real NFL was Like Football Video Games Jun 17 '09    Write an essay on this topic. Tweet Popular Products in Sport and Outdoor Northwest Co. NFL Jacksonville Jaguars P From $20 Northwest Co. NFL Tennessee Titans Photo From $20 The Bottom Line Legendary Buffalo Bills coach Baron Samedi has unretired to finish the job with the Arizona Cardinals! Kurt Warner was halfway convinced he was the Devil's cabana boy when they first met. When Warner retired two years later, he changed his stance and was fully convinced his coach was the Prince of Darkness himself. "How could any one coach possibly be that good?" Warner reasoned. Bill Parcells took a desk job, saying the thought of suffering another embarrassing blowout at his hands scared him. Bill Cowher simply retired, shrugging and saying "There's really no point anymore." Bill Belichick could never sleep the night before games against him. Al Davis wanted him to coach the Raiders. (The mysterious coaching legend would have been an excellent fit in Oakland.)  The Buffalo Bills organization and fans loved him. And now he is returning to the game he loves, wearing Cardinal red in the dry desert heat of Arizona. Baron Samedi, the most successful coach in the history of the team, is returning to the NFL to finish the job Ken Wisenhunt began with the Arizona Cardinals last season. Wisenhunt was disappointed but understood the logic of Cardinals owner Bill Bidwill. "What can you do?" Wisenhunt said. "With credentials like Samedi's, the only thing you really CAN do is step down with dignity and hope he decides to keep you on staff." Fortunately for Wisenhunt, Samedi did decide to keep him on as an offensive coordinator. "The Arizona Cardinals are the oldest NFL franchise. Their fans have never seen them win a championship, and they deserve that. I take nothing away from Ken Wisenhunt's achievement from last season. But if I was coaching the team, they would have won the Super Bowl by a margin of at least 30 points," Samedi said. "It's time to close the deal, finish the job, and let the National Football League know the Arizona Cardinals are not your favorite team's doormat anymore." The coaching genius was being uncharacteristically humble in his 30-point prediction, as his average margin of victory was over 30 points throughout his career in Buffalo. Along for the ride are a pair of Samedi favorites, running back Corey Dillon and linebacker Ray Lewis. Both players played for Samedi's last Super Bowl Bills team a few years ago, and when they learned he was returning, they excitedly jump on board with the Cardinals. Joining Samedi is yet another new Quarterback, Tom Brady, who happily dumped the New England Patriots when the chance to play for his most merciless tormentor came up. "I really admired the way his teams ran on all cylinders all the time," Brady said. "Every time I played against Buffalo when I was with the Patriots, I would say to myself 'Damn, I wish I could play for a team that good and a coach that good.'"  Upon hearing this, Samedi said "You were talking to yourself? Is that why we hammered you every time we tangled?" Brady hung his head shamefully and said "Yes." Samedi has started numerous quarterbacks in his time. He broke into the NFL under mysterious circumstances to begin his tenure in Buffalo, where Warner was playing out the string, hoping for a second ring before he retired. Samedi led him to two. Once Warner retired, the Bills grabbed Doug Flutie off wavers and pegged him to start. But Flutie was injured early in the season and missed seven games, and Scott Covington filled in. The unremarkable career backup threw for over 2000 yards in his half-season as a bona-fide starter. Flutie retired after that season, but he had a Super Bowl ring to show for his time in the NFL thanks to Samedi. Steve McNair then played for Buffalo and started the next couple of seasons. While Samedi liked McNair, McNair's tenure resulted in the worst season of Samedi's coaching career: a 12-3-1 debacle which resulted in his fourth Super Bowl title in four years.  When asked why he didn't bring Byron Leftwich to Arizona, Samedi replied "Leftwich is a solid QB with the makings of true very goodness in him. But Brady has the potential to be the greatest, ever." When reminded that Leftwich twice broke the all-time marks for passing yards and touchdowns in a single season during the two years Samedi coached him, Samedi merely repeated what he said. He then mentioned that Leftwich wasn't capable of getting it done ALL the time, which is why he subbed Sean King and Kay Stephenson for him in two games.  The Cardinals are getting a formidable genius of a coach in Samedi. Samedi brings the experience of six Super Bowl victories to Arizona with him. His teams were blessed with great defenses, with the front seven often given nicknames like "The Magnificent Seven" and "The Seven Seals" for the way they shrank passing lanes by pressuring the quarterback and completely clogged up the running lanes. The average number of running yards against Samedi's teams in a single season was less than 400 in Buffalo. But Samedi's true talents lie in his skills on offense. His Buffalo Bills offenses were nicknamed the "Blue Stampede" for the way they rapidly charged from one end of the field to the other, knocking down opposing players like bowling pins. Among the all-star players who played for Samedi are Warner, McNair, running backs Dillon and Ricky Williams, fullbacks Fred Beasley and Corey Schlessinger, wideouts Keyshawn Johnson and Randy Moss, linebackers Junior Seau, Ray Lewis, and Roosevelt Colvin, and others. But even when Samedi wasn't able to access all-pro talent, his teams dominated like no others before in the history of football. Rare was the loss - Samedi's winning percentage is well over .950 - and he coached three of his teams to perfect seasons. The "Blue Stampede" offenses he ran broke every significant offensive record in the NFL. Samedi's average margin of victory is over 30 points. "The Seven Seals" frequently attained double figures in their number of sacks in a game. Even on special teams, Samedi's kickers often kicked out of the end zone and even when they didn't, the return man rarely broke the 20-yard line. Samedi is on record as saying "Being my punter is the easiest job in the world. You might be used to make ten punts per season if you're lucky." Samedi's last punter with Buffalo claims he managed to read War and Peace all the way through during games. Baron Samedi is notorious for his inability to guard the short passing game, and many times he has admitted to getting lucky when a receiver couldn't hold onto a pass. But how unlucky can a coach be when his team is often only fighting against the West Coast Offense in the waning minutes? His Buffalo teams frequently fought to preserve shutouts and not leads, like most other football teams. But Samedi is adamant. He insists that he hates being taken advantage of. The Arizona Cardinals are the lucky recipients of a legacy of true domination. Coach Baron Samedi may not repeat the breaking of various records like he did in Buffalo. His bar is set high, and to expect that may be expecting a bit much. But Samedi is expected to win in Arizona. His return to Buffalo to face the Bills will be this year. And loyal Bills fans are sweating in fear. They know that with Baron Samedi leading a new "Red Stampede" or "Red Flyers," no prayer will ever help their team. Or any other team. All they can do is hope Samedi is in a sentimental mood and doesn't embarrass them too badly.

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