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How to Avoid Breakfast in Bed: Or, Selecting a Universal Sleeping PlaceJun 08 '10 Write an essay on this topic.The Bottom Line If you've stopped dreaming at night and your back throws a tantrum at the thought of your current bed, 'tis time to revolutionize your furniture. Considerations, considerations... Never read a Shakespearean play on a creaky sofa. Don't even think about reading Dickins' work while curled up in a bed whose mattress springs are becoming visible. Read Uncle Tom's Cabin in a canopy bed if you're the Marie Sinclaire type, or on a firm and Spartan twin bed if you resemble any of the book's true protagonists. Listen to an audiobook only on beds constructed entirely of memory foam; those don't squeak, and you'll have a more enjoyable time hanging on the narrator's every word. Try to learn a foreign language in a comfortable place; learning it in a bare bedroom will only put you in mind of hotel furniture, which will effectively ruin your desire to travel. How tragic! All inconsequential, fluffy reading should be performed on air mattresses. Ideally, this is the only guide you'll ever need. What, after all, is the purpose of a good mattress unless one is planning to read in bed? With only one exception, which imparts the same truth whether read in the mire or in a mansion, most books are best comprehended if read in the correct surroundings. So, because we all know that literature should determine mattress quality, I really shouldn't be providing anymore tips. But you, my selective readers, seem to be begging for something more. What? What's that you're saying? You want cushioning that will suffice for both slumberers and bibliophiles? To what is the world coming? Nevertheless, I shall attempt to oblige by providing suggestions for selecting a universal mattress--that is, one in which all literature can be read and on which most would enjoy resting. My mattress-buying experience of last week should serve as accreditation enough, should it not? So, you awaken with the need for a two-hour professional massage. Time for something softer, firmer, wider, less spring-exposing. You decide to head to the furniture store. First, get dressed--and, trust me, there is a technique. Ladies, don't wear a skirt--albeit ever so long--if testing furniture. That airy fabric will invariably fly about at inopportune moments, causing you to flee store after store in abject humiliation. Wear a dress only if it follows sixteenth-century trends: layered in petticoats so as to preserve modesty, covered in gemstones so as to keep the dress from swirling about in the first place. But then, you'd have to wear a corset. The resulting faintness would render the mattress-buying experience futile; you'd simply be transferred from one recuperation spot to another. On second thought, abandon Elizabethan standards and just wear slacks. Now that the question of apparel is settled, eat breakfast. Select anything you want, but I personally believe you need a chocolate croissant. Your meal is an essential component of your ability to determine the calibre of the furniture store. Last week, I entered an establishment that smelled strongly of bacon and eggs. This lends entirely new meaning to the phrase "bed and breakfast". If you can distinguish which ingredients went into the manager's omlet and what kind of sausage he'll be eating in the back room as soon as you leave, you're not in the cleanest business. Run for your sanity and prepare to pen a little diatribe for the proprietor's benefit--which, of course, you'll compose while reclining on the brand-new mattress you purchased from another store. On a similar note, don't trust the sale room of any mattress store. General furniture stores, perhaps, but not Mattress King. Ahem! Did I just say that? Anyway, visiting any location other than the showroom might result in a disturbing experience involving large squares of foam. Some cruel antagonist ripped open a mattress, removed some sample material, and put it on display for all to see. The act alone is like chopping up a musical instrument. The maneger's propensity to display the poor, defenseless foam mirrors a doctor's tendency to plaster his office with pictures of the human digestive system. Not necessary. In fact, the combination of stale food and open-air mattress padding provides such a hideous first impression that one suspects the store of all-encompassing foulness. Next stop, please. So, you've eaten breakfast and had any future appetite destroyed with graphic pictures of foam. It's time to load the trailer and... "But wait!" you protest. "I'm just shopping around today, and I want free delivery. I don't need a trailer." If your folding ladder can fit in the trunk, you're right. I suggest, though, bringing a tall, stable ladder of the best construction. If you're on the short side, you won't be able to climb onto the new, perfectly-constructed beds without assistance. Yes, this is partly the fault of pillow-top mattresses. However, box springs and bedframes have increased exponentially in both width and height. It's ridiculous, really. But then, so is this paragraph. Moving on... In all seriousness, travel only to reputable furniture establishments. Do not--I repeat, do not--purchase a refurbished mattress. This applies regardless of budget. Please, sleep on the floor if you must. Refurbished mattresses are revolting in every conceivable way. Old, disgusting mattresses--many of them covered in mold or worse--are given a cursory cleaning and clad in a new cover. Remove this tiny layer, however, and you may be treated to nauseous sights and smells. Far more injurious, however, are the health problems that may be incurred by sleeping in a filthy bed. I am not inventing this tale of woe; it is based firmly on facts. Again, any surroundings are more viable than refurbished ones. Don't treat mattresses as you would walkmans. Hmm. Why don't we ever say "walkmen"? Anyway, mattresses are not inexpensive. My mother, unaware of this, had hoped to spend between $200 and $300 for a queen-sized pillow-top. Her shock at discovering that these enveloping environments were on sale for over $550 was enough to put a smile even on the face of a certified grump. Lesson: Mattresses are expensive. Box springs and bedframes will only add to the salesmen's glee. Expect to pay between $500 and $3,000 for any rest-worthy bed. Now, on to the beds themselves. Certainly, there are the standards, but let us explore a relatively new phenomenon--the Temperpedic mattress. This bed, constructed entirely of Memory Foam, theoretically conforms to the sleeper's shape. According to one of the salesmen who assisted us, these may also regulate a person's temperature. These mattresses may or may not be equipped with the amazing ability to conform to sitting, feet-propping, and elbow-resting-at-a-slightly-unique-angle positions. I always did find adjustable beds fascinating. When you're propped up or even sitting, it's hard not to envision the "test-driven" Temperpedic mattress as belonging to an extraordinarily wide, low hospital bed. But perhaps I've had too much medical experience. Personally, I would not buy a Temperpedic mattress because of the price and the initial firmness. I do have a miniature version--a topper, of sorts--but I would never purchase a full Memory Foam mattress. It's not my cup of tea... Wait a minute. Why am I discussing food in bed? Crumpet crumbs everywhere! Then, you have that lovely class of "normal mattresses"--that is, those components which do not fall into waterbed or air-filled categories. Typical mattresses vary in firmness from cardboard to cotton. While firmness is a matter of personal preference, people with bad backs or other injuries are generally encouraged to purchase firmer mattresses. The firmest, sometimes known as tight-tops, consist of a thin or nonexistent layer of foam or other padding, beneath which is a coiled system of springs. I am among those who consider tight-top mattresses exceedingly uncomfortable, but my parents happen to love them. I thought they hated staying in hotels... Then, you have the pillow-tops. These are of two varieties--typical structures and enhanced pillow-tops. Regular mattresses containa deep, rich layer of padding, beneath which is a coiled spring system. These are perfect, incorporating the firmness of a tight-top with the enveloping softness of what can only be described as a modern, more supportive featherbed. The loveliness of it all! On an unrelated note, I must admit that some of the pillow-tops seem to be conforming to a unique stitching pattern. Rather than resembling a typical mattress, they're sewn in such a way as to resemble enormous cushions, such as you might buy for plastic patio furniture. True, they feel nothing like outdoor lounging equipment, but one has to wonder. Of course, as an average consumer, I shouldn't be remarking upon this. With enhanced pillow-tops, the layer of padding is substantially thicker and sewn onto the mattress separately. These can be a bit too much, providing almost no support and presenting a lackluster experience. Although the price is higher for one of these enhanced "delights", I would avoid them simply on the basis of comfort. Sighs: What your bed does when it's been used, abused, and generally confused--with a workout structure, that is. Size: What you must consider when purchasing a replacement. Here, one must consider the size of the bedroom, the price s/he is willing to pay, and the number of accoutrements to be placed on the bed. Hint: Bedrooms should contain only beds and bookcases; shelves above the bed can house books, so why buy anything save a California king? I happen to be on a budget, but I find that beds house too many items for a twin. I mean, can you possibly sleep without five pillows, three blankets, and a large book? A queen it is! All of this is sifted, stirred, and generally swirled when considering beds for children. Obviously, infants and toddlers require crib mattresses. By the time toddlers have matured, however, it's time to consider a "big kid bed". Purchasing a toddler bed will not lead to longevity; buy some rails for an ordinary twin. Now for the mattresses. Younger children require firmer, tight-top mattresses to prevent suffocation and to promote a healthy sleeping position. By the time your beloved kidlets turn seven or eight, however, it will be time to soften their sleeping places. Rather than investing in an entirely new system, the comfort process can best be aided by purchasing an inexpensive egg crate from WalMart or another mass merchandiser. These thin pieces of foam often come with both smooth and textured sides; which one to use is a matter of personal preference--and don't let any "specialist" tell you otherwise! Be warned, though: By the time children reach the age of thirteen, they will probably be in search of luxury. "But all my friends have brand-new beds!" At which point, you present them with a copy of Heidi and a straw mattress on the floor of a loft--because, after all, they asked for something novel. Speaking of stubble and such, ‘tis time I hit the hay until an eloquent comment rouses me from slumber. Even then, expect me to enjoy that universal pillow-top until I've read at least a few chapters.  |
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