The NEW Lobstergirl Explores Her Pussy's Pleasure Spot-- Cattoys.com
Written: Nov 20 '02 (Updated Feb 02 '03)
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~~~ REGARDING CATTOYS.COM GENERALLY ~~~
Cattoys.com is not simply a slick, well-organized online-feline cat-alogue of kitty kitsch and cat entertainment merchandise, it's an entire cat department store. If you aren't a "cat person," and I am not (no really, I'm not; ask any one of my four cats,) you may have a hard time taking this website seriously. I, however, am bound by my Epi-Critical Oath of SCADsniferous Helpfulocity to take this website seriously. Since I'm a bit of a cat cut-up and kitty-kidder, I thought it better to unfetter this cattoy.com letter of non-bread & butter kitty-clutter; utter only cookie-cutter cat-toy chatter. So I've cut out the catty, non-cat-matter kitty-natter to provide you, the prospective pussy pleasure-toy purchaser, a post packed with pure product-info pertinent cat-toys.com-mentary. If frivolous, feline frippery puts undue pressure on your pacemaker, visiting Cattoys.com could be catastrophic. No kitten! The cat-catering cluster of cat's-eye-catching kitty kitsch & cat-crap collectibles cluttering the categories of cattoys.com's cat-toy catalogue, could catalyze your latent cataplexis, causing cataleptic complications culminating in a complete catatonic collapse and coma!
~~ A POINT PURR-TAINING TO PUSSY-PLAYTHING PARTICULARITY ~~
Perhaps my legal training has caused me to become unnecessarily cynical and prematurely jaded, but I was unable to suppress the rapidly growing sense of suspicious apprehension that began to gnaw at the periphery of my consciousness when I encountered the following CatToy site feature:
"CATTOYS.COM OFFERS CAT TOY RECOMMENDATIONS FOR 47 BREEDS OF CAT."
I WANTED to believe this claim. I really did ...and I'm generally not too bad at suspending reality for brief time periods when it serves my purposes (as long as 2 years in a row when I'm campaigning.) Yet try as I might, I could not picture this pet pleasure-product site empaneling a pride of paw-picked, pussycat personality-profiling pundits and pop psychology-prognosticating pussycat pleasure professionals for purposes of procuring personal perspectives on pussy's "puff-toy" preferences. Prescriptions for prospective pussy-plaything purchases; predictions pertaining to pussy pleasure pursuits and pasttimes? Purr-leeeeze!
Though I'm not a cat-person and consequently can't confidently contradict, condemn or condone the "consumer-conscientious" content contained in CatToys.com's conscience-calming "cat contentment" commentary contention that: ("cats differ in) . . .activity level and interests," such a flimsy feline fill-line was not fulfilling enough fluff-filler to fool my "feline flim-flam" flipped fleece-flags. I never perceived any of my persnickety pussies putting on a puss or pausing to pout in pain over my poor pick of pussy-playthings. No-o-o, I think I'll remain true to the trustworthy, time-honoured tradition of testing a tabby's taste in toys:
THE TRADITIONAL CAT-TOY ENJOYMENT LEVEL TEST:
1) Scoop up your cat(s,)
2) Lug them over to the local Petco,
3) Go to the kitty-toy aisle,
4) Wait till the clerk is preoccupied by another customer, then
5) Catapult an armload of cat toys onto the floor,
6) Take care to note which toy or toys your cat chases first.
~~•~~ WHAT DOES CATTOYS.COM OFFER YOUR CONSUMER PUSS? ~~•~~
The question is better phrased: "What DOESN'T cattoys.com offer?"
~~•~~ KITTY CALENDARS, CAT-CARDS AND PUSSY-POSTERS ~~•~~
Kitty-cat suddenly remember that special feline whose birthday she forgot to mark on her calendar? Fret not. Cattoys.com has your cat's tail covered with its extensive selection of cat birthday, cat friendship, cat anniversary, and cat greeting cards for just about any other important cat occasion. For a little bit extra, your cat can even spare herself the indignity of that sour-puss birthday kitty's inevitable, belated-birthday card generated hurt feelings and hissy-fit, with cattoy's guaranteed "next-day" shipping. Maybe your fickle feline's forgetful faux pas could have been foregone had you not failed to furnish her with a full-sized feline wall-calendar? For shame!
~~•~~ FELINE FURNISHINGS ~~•~~
Though you may not realize it, (I know I certainly didn't, prior to visiting cattoys.com,) no cat can ever be truly content without tasteful, aesthetically pleasing, properly-coordinated feline furnishings to brighten up her living space. I had previously thought that I was spoiling my cats by allowing them (by default) to share MY furniture, but apparently I had been mistreating them. You see, their unique anatomies saddle them with different comfort requirements. Imagine that. I had just ignorantly assumed they'd take me aside and say something about the sub-fur bruising and bursitis they'd bravely been accumulating. "Live & learn," I always say. Considering this conscience-weighty, new cat-fact, you pussy-owners must now ask yourself the following questions:
Do You Care About Your Pussycat's Environmental Comfort?
[If you give your cat a pad to sleep on:]
• Does the protective lining of your pussy's pad provide plush, multi-layered protection?
• Does it provide adequate comfort?
• Does it resist soiling and remain warm and dry?
• Does she generally look and feel pampered and perky?
[If you provide your cat with a box to sleep in:]
• Does your box sag or crease from excessive wear & tear or structural damage?
• Does it smell fresh or does it give off the faint smell of dried urine or other accumulated bodily fluids?
• When you probe the sensitive skin below your pussy's fur, do you often find that it's irritated, distended or puffy?
Depending on how you respond to these and similarly probing questions, you may have to visit cattoys.com's feline furniture page. It claims that all of its cat furniture is "...fully carpeted, stain resistant and specially treated with catnip." Assembly is required. A professional interior decorator with a specialization in "Feline Feng Shui" is recommended to guarantee your pussy maximum catisfaction.
~~•~~ KITTY-CANNABIS ~~•~~
Trouble with catnip-pushin' tomcats and strung-out strays? Cattoys.com's bodacious bud selection will permanently clear those sleazy, neighborhood catnip-pushers from your cat's favorite allies and streetcorners. If your slitty-eyed kitty has been jonesin' for a catty-fatty, cattoys.com will pack your pussy's pipe or papers with THE kitty-chronic. Your pot-puffin' puss won't know what hit him, but YOU will when you see that econo-sized bag of kitty chow disappear and the volume of your cat's favorite tunes starts rattlin' the windows. Whether your party-puss prefers sparkin' da boom with the primo "home-grown, organic catnip" bud or the killer Maui Meowie (which cattoys assures tokin' tabbies, is imported "...from the fertile volcanic soils of the Hawaiian Island of Maui,") Cattoy's weed will bake your cat's brain cells like NO dealer's dirt-weed can. If pussy prefers poppin' or snortin', cattoys.com also supplies catnip "pellets" and "catnip sprays." Or, if kitty already has a home lab and a green-paw, cattoys.com will happily keep him rollin' in its finest selection of "Grow Yer Own" catnip seeds. WORD!
IS CATTOYS.COM'S CUSTOMER SERVICE ACCOMMODATING & CONSUMERLY HELPFUL?
I'd be hardpressed to think of a company that bends over backwards to please its customers the way cattoys.com does; just read the following and see if you don't agree:
CATTOYS.COM: "You've asked and waited patiently...now, direct from Canada it's the Original Crinkle Cat Toy!"
[NOTE: It's not one of those silly, imitation "Crinkle Cat Toys," but the genuine, real-deal, ORIGINAL one! --Just who ARE these good samaritans?!]
DONNA - PLEASANT PRAIRIE, WI: "I was very pleased with the products I ordered from CatToys.com. They were of high quality and, at last, I didn't waste money on toys my cat wasn't interested in. Someone there really knows cats! The order was shipped promptly and I'm looking forward to ordering more toys."
[NOTE: I don't know about you, but I can NEVER find "toys my cats are interested in" ANYWHERE! I've bought them motorized go-carts, pinball machines, kitty etch-a-sketches, Super-Soakers, remote control race cars, pogosticks, etc., yet I can never get them to stop playing with the paper wrapping, the packaging strings, the ribbons, the cellophane, the foam impact-protection blocks and bits or the boxes the toys arrive in, long enough to show even a LITTLE interest in the DAMN toys! ...But HEY! --If Donna without a last-name, from that midwestern mecca of meow-marketing; the very crossroads of consumer-kitty commerce, "Pleasant Prairie, Wisconsin," assures me: "Someone there really knows cats!," well who am I to argue the point? If cattoys.com can solve Donna's cat's "chronic" (note she says, "at last,") toy-ambivalence problem, why couldn't they cure my Attention Deficit Disorder-afflicted cats of their debilitating "misplaced-amusement" problem, as well. It all seemed too good to be true...
A CATTOYS.COM SAMPLE PRODUCT: CAT-OPOLY
CatToys.com. offers a game called CAT-OPOLY. It advertises this game with the caption: "NEW!! Great Gift Idea, CAT-OPOLY is a game based on our Feline family members. It has all the fun of the traditional "Opoly" game with some great twists.Real Estate is arranged by 22 cat breeds including Persian, Maine Coon, Siamese, Ragdoll, Russian Blue, and Chartruex. Each Cat Deed is filled with fun facts like how many eyelids cats have. THE GAME CONSISTS OF A board, 6 pewter game tokens, Cat Houses, Big Fish (Hotels), Cat-astrophe and Purrrfect cards (Chance and Community Chest) Deeds, Play Money, and Dice. PEWTER TOKENS INCLUDE Mouse, Ball of Yarn, Milk Bottle, Can of Sardines, Fish, and Can of Cat Food."
I cannot in good conscience condone this cattoy.com product. I think it's player comprehension level is some degree in excess of that possessed by semi-domestic house cats. I set up the board, the cards and the icons for my cats, then read them the game's directions. It was hard for me to determine whether they understood what I was reading because I couldn't look at them and read at the same time. However, after I finished reading the directions and regrouped them from the various house locations to which they had wandered off, I rolled the dice. They casually ambled over and took turns sniffing the dice. Three of them wandered off, while the fourth began batting around the "Milk Bottle" icon for a minute or two.
When a moth, on the final-approach leg of its fluttery landing pattern, flew into the line of fire of his cat-eye anti-air creature optical tracking mechanism (standard equipment in the '98 models,) he decided it had made an unauthorized entry into a "no-fly" (no-moth) zone and thought it best to explain this to the moth personally. He did not pause to return the milk bottle icon to its box. Then it was just me, standing alone in the den, instruction booklet in hand, morosely staring down at the Cat-opoly mess, envisioning what it would look like back in its cellophane-stripped, dust-matted box, lost in the sea of useless brick-a-brack and future landfill-fodder of a reluctant neighbor's garage sale, marked with only an uneven strip of masking tape "El Marko'd:" "10¢," to distinguish it from the neighbor's outbound trash.
As per usual, the CAT-OPOLY box's cellophane wrapping proved to be about the only aspect of this highly-touted, $25.00 cat toy from which any of my cats ever derived entertainment benefit. I suspect it might be a fun board game for humans, but only humans of the "cat-person" persuasion. I, of course, couldn't really say one way or the other because I'm not a "cat person." Malcolm McDowell. He was a cat-person. ...So was Natassia Kinski. Not me. My ex-girlfriend told me I looked like a cat. She said I should be flattered. Please note, she's my "EX"-girlfriend. I'm not a cat-person.
JUST THE CONSUMERLY-HELPFUL PRODUCT FAX:
I promised I'd provide you with the helpful product fax, and I always do my level best to keep my word, so here it is: "888-364-3588." Hell, I'll even give you the phone number: "877-364-8697." ...There's a load-off.
SHIPPING & PAYMENT OPTIONS:
Cattoys.com can be snail-mailed at:
882 S. MATLACK STREET SUITE D
WESTCHESTER, PA 19382
UNITED STATES
Mailing options:
Overnight Delivery, 2nd Day Air, International Express or Email (sales@cattoys.com.) "Estimated Delivery time is 4 days to most USA locations, 7 days to Canada and 14 days to most international locations."
Payment Options:
Cattoys.com accepts American Express, Discover, MasterCard or Visa by phone. If you participate in Cattoys' "toy donation program," they'll give you a 5% - 10% discount on your entire order.
CONSUMER-HELPFULOSITY-EXHIBITING CATTOYS.COM INGREDIENTS LIST:
(Alphabetized for your recipe-filing convenience)
Accessories, Action Toys, Ball Toys, Cat Greeting Cards, Catnip Toys, Crinkle Cat Toys, Feather Toys, Holiday Cat Toys, Our Favorite Things, Scratching Carpets, Toys by Breed, Toys by Personality, This Week's Deal, Wool Toys, Pussy Meat & Meat Byproducts all mixed together with consumer-helpfulosity and love and kitty-spit and fur-balls.
**** EXTRA BONUS SCADS-LOAD OF CONSUMERLY HELPFULOSITICITY ****
THE FOLLOWING IS THE ENTRY I MADE IN MY PRIVATE DIARY, CONTEMPORANEOUS WITH MY FIRST CONSUMER EXPERIENCE WITH CATTOYS.COM: [--Good Gosh! Is there NOTHING I won't do; NO LENGTH I won't go, to provide you, the needy consumer, with SCADS?!]
DEAR DIARY,
I only have a moment to jot this down before the cats wake up from their catnap. I take back the previous outburst wherein I accused you of having a lack of "notebook product" consumerly-helpfulosity. I wrote it in anger over my frustrated inability to think of new ways to make epinions an even MORE consumerly-helpful consumer information site. Also, I was tense from having to cater to the caterwauling of my 4 felonious felines. No matter WHAT you say, I categorically deny your accusations of my being a "cat person." "Cats" are absolutely the furthest thing from my mind! Not another thought or reference to cats for the rest of this diary entry!
Oh yeah, just ONE more reference. The cats showed me a cat toy consumer site called "cattoys.com." It has lots and lots of exciting cat-toys for 47 different breeds of cats. I think this may be the cat-toy company that finally cures the cats' of their distressing, misplaced-amusement problem. I have very high hopes for a board-game that cattoys.com advertises, intended for cats, which I'm CERTAIN the cats will love and play over and over again, called "CAT-OPOLY." Maybe someday, I'll even write a consumerly-helpfulicious consumer review about it. Naaah... that would be pretty tacky. I probably won't.
Things have been in a cataclysmic state around here since these 4 little rat-catchers discovered the inter-pet, with its fe-line cat-rooms, me-URLs, Petscape Meowsers, Microsoft Angoras, receiving IAMs, sending IAMs, going fe-line, mews-string topics, etc., meanwhile, because their paws don't properly access the keyboard, I'VE got to type in all their input for them! It's a nine-lives nightmare; I'd be lion to you if I told you otherwise. I just wanted to let you know why I had to scratch-n-post that litter.
Stop saying that, diary, I'm NOT a cat-Persian! I never give them a second thought! Don't you know Wirehair? You're here to assist me, but your furball abuse is hissing meowff! I'm Russian Blue this beclaws I only have a Mau-ment to paws and scratch out a litter or two while the pussies cat-nap. I could mews a couple o' Sphynx, but If they Himalayan down, well, I Chantilly-ou WHAT as-Persians they'll hiss at me! You might find me in Somali, Chartreux the head, splayed out like a Ragdoll So fleas, take kitty on me and fur-give meow-tright, as purrhaps it's claws Siamese-ily pussywhipped that this happened a-tail. Also, IAM feline t-hairball fur kitten you into t-hiss in the fur-st place.
Alley-cat-ch you up on fur-ther de-tails litter on, as it's kitten claws to when the cats get their wake-up catcalls. I-Manx-ious b-claws they tail me by keeping Tabbys on meow't-going Wire-hair. I don't have collar I.D. on fe-line, so I feel Angora have to end this Short,hair in fact. I don't know if Abyssinian-y more litters, writing them I mean. I can-Devon Rex-plain how I Coon write you this one! A Maine Coon only take so much... Well, I Calico now--
...Manx For Reading,
--29th
Recommended:
Yes
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About the Author
Member: Jim Scileppi
Location: The 29th Congressional District, CA
Reviews written: 67
Trusted by: 512 members
About Me: Consume less; be happier.
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