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The 50 Most Atrocious, Enraging, Ear-Numbingly, Horrible "Songs" of All Time: Part One (#50-#41)Jun 17 '11 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Part one of my look at the most infuriatingly awful music ever made (don't blame me if any of them get stuck in your head!)
Music, like so many things, is largely subjective. A beautiful melody to one person might be like fingernails on a blackboard to another. That being said, there are some songs that are just so unbelievably bad that they almost seem like a form of torture to listen to for prolonged periods of time. I was surprised upon compiling this list as to how many of the songs either were at one point big hits or are currently very popular. The point is that people at one point or another eventually come to their senses and move on to liking some new terrible music. So without further ado, starting from the least horrible song on the list (which is still absolutely terrible) and working our way up to the top (or should I say the bottom), I bring you my picks for the 50 worst songs of all time (and I hope you appreciate the enormous sacrifice I made in having to listen to all these songs to put this list together): 50.) Rod Stewart – Do Ya Think I’m Sexy? (1978) All right already, Rod Stewart, I think you’re very sexy, now can you please stop asking? This song sounds like the music for a cheap porno flick with a cheesy synthesizer hook that gets stuck in your head until it drives you insane like the noises Van Gogh couldn’t stop hearing that drove him to cut off his ear. Perhaps even worse are the lyrics, including this particularly strange verse: “Come on, honey, let's spend the night together. Now hold on a minute before we go much further, give me a dime so I can phone my mother.” Why does he want to call his mother to tell her he’s about to sleep with some woman he just picked up? And believe it or not, it’s all downhill from here. 49.) Jonas Brothers – I Wan’na Be Like You (The Monkey Song) (2007) The original version of this song from the film “The Jungle Book” is one of my favorite Disney songs of all time, with a fun scatting routine from Phil Harris and “the King of Swing,” Louis Prima. Unfortunately, Disney decided it would be a good idea to let their mascots The Jonas Brothers, who probably don’t even know what scatting means, take a shot at covering this song. And after having listening to this garbage, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to watch “The Jungle Book” again without going into convulsions. A close runner up to the Jonas Brothers’ version is Smash Mouth’s rendition of the very same song, which like every Smash Mouth song, features lead singer Steve Harwell screaming most of his lines to try to sound edgy instead of actually singing. 48.) Scissor Sisters – Comfortably Numb (2004) While we’re on the subject of lousy covers, this take on the Pink Floyd classic ought to be punishable as a criminal offense. Without hearing the lyrics, you might merely think this is just a mediocre cover of a Bee Gees song, as opposed to an even worse attempt to turn Comfortable Numb into a disco song. The opening guitar part sounds almost like it’s lifted from Cher’s “If I Could Turn Back Time” (which bad a song though it is, is still not bad enough to make this list), but then comes the stupid electronic effects with sappy falsetto vocals and it gets even worse. I can guarantee you that before the four and a half minutes of agony is over that you won’t have been able to sit through the whole thing without having had to repeatedly fight the urge to destroy whatever electronic device is playing it. 47.) Paris Hilton – Paris for President (2008) Hey, it makes about as much sense as Donald Trump for President I guess. If you’ve ever wondered what Paris Hilton would be like as President, then this is the song for you, as we learn that she would “make a department called the fashion police and fix the economy with all of the new jobs,” as well as putting Simon Cowell on the Supreme Court. As brilliant as all of this might sound, it sounds even worse than you could possibly imagine, with guys singing “Paris for President” repeatedly over sickeningly upbeat music, all with Paris’ unique take on singing. Do we really have 46 even worse songs to go through? 46.) Limp Bizkit – Nookie (1999) Will somebody please explain to me why this band ever had a following? Let’s start with the lyrics to this masterpiece. I love the way lead singer (or should I say screamer) Fred Durst has no trouble throwing curses into the song, but then says “you can take that cookie and stick it up your, yeah,” apparently unable to say the next word, which brings to mind Huey Lewis and the News on “Heart of Rock ‘N Roll,” who leaves off the next word after “really kicks ‘em in the…” (yes, I’m probably the only person who ever compared Fred Durst to Huey Lewis, although I think in all honesty Huey Lewis is more hardcore). And while trying to sound like as much of a tough guy as possible, Durst’s lyrics keep slipping into self-pity (“and I'm just a sucker with a lump in my throat”), making it really hard to ever take him seriously. Of course, even leaving Durst’s lyrical abilities aside, the song is a total mess musically, which sounds oddly overproduced for a hard rock song, almost as if they had to edit Durst’s vocals in the studio just to make them sound presentable despite the fact that he never really sings. 45.) Snow – Informer (1992) If you need proof why Canadians shouldn’t attempt rap/reggae music, look no further than Snow’s “Informer.” And do I even want to know what “lickee boom boom down” means? Whatever it is, it’s about the comprehensible lyric repeated over and over again in this extremely repetitive “song.” The only reason I can tell you to listen to this song is so you can check out the Jim Carrey parody called “Imposter,” which is hilarious. 44.) Leonard Nimoy – Ballad of Bilbo Baggins (1967) Everybody knows about William Shatner’s attempt at a musical career, but he looks like a virtuoso next to Nimoy on this train wreck about Bilbo Baggins (yes, that Bilbo Baggins from The Hobbit). Nimoy’s vocals are worse than you could possibly imagine, and the campy music represents everything that should be forgotten about the 60s. Although I cannot in good conscience encourage you to listen to this garbage, you really have to hear it just to believe it. 43.) Eddie Murphy – Party all the Time (1985) Leonard Nimoy’s not the only celebrity who attempted to cash in on his fame for some extra bucks. Having heard this song, I can only conclude that Eddie Murphy should never sing again, never, not even in the shower when he’s home alone. And if you don’t think it’s quite that bad when you first start listening to it, just wait for the chorus. The extremely cheesy 80s music in the background is no wonder either, but is completely overshadowed by the horrific vocals. 42.) Will Smith – Will 2K (1999) If you thought Leonard Nimoy and Eddie Murphy are full of themselves, we now come to the man with possibly the biggest ego on the face of the earth, Will Smith. For instance, on this song, Smith refers to “the new millennium, yo, excuse me, the Willennium.” Is that anything like the Newmanium party thrown by Newman on Seinfeld? And for all his boasting, you would think Will Smith could actually come up with some music of his own, but as he so often does, he just rips off (or as I’m sure he likes to call it “samples”) somebody else’s song here. And for a change that somebody else is not Stevie Wonder, but rather The Clash with the already not-so-great song “Rock the Casbah,” oh so creatively changing that line to “rock the dance floor.” As for Smith’s rapping ability, it’s competent enough, but it’s really nothing that hundreds of other rappers couldn’t have done better, and at times feels like he’s just reading lines. Certainly nothing to justify that massive ego. 41.) Cyndi Lauper – Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (1983) Can this really be considered singing or is just screeching? There was really only one difference between Cyndi Lauper and Madonna, who I’m also not particularly crazy about, and that is that at least Madonna could sing. But like so many Madonna songs from the 80s (“Like a Virgin,” for example), the music here is hopelessly dated and does little to redeem the terrible vocals. And worst of all, at some point it seems like the song is finally winding up and you can breathe a sigh of relief, but then it goes on for over another minute with nothing but the same line repeated over and over again. Okay, that’s all for now, and I’ve assured myself I will never listen to those 10 songs again, stay tuned for my next installment when it gets even worse…  |
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