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The 50 Most Atrocious, Enraging, Ear-Numbingly, Horrible "Songs" of All Time: Part One (#40-#31)Jun 28 '11 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Here's 10 more songs you should never listen to unless you enjoy inflicting pain on yourself...
Providing the first part of my list didn’t scare you off, let’s resume with the next 10 worst songs of all time… 40.) Michael Bolton – Can I Touch You There (1995) Let’s ignore for a moment how disgustingly suggestive the title of the song is and assume Michael Bolton is simply talking about touching someone’s heart, it’s still hard not to feel like you need a shower after listening to it. The song opens with a really grating sounding instrument that is apparently known as the shakuhachi, or Japanese bamboo flute, which I’m guessing usually sounds better than this, and then descends into Bolton whining with low-grade porno music in the background. Ok, I’ve listened to this for long enough, next… 39.) Christina Aguilera – Dirrty (2002) Wow, did I say I felt like I needed a shower after that last song? On my first try at listening to this song on youtube, I couldn’t even open it because I got a message stating “This content may contain material flagged by YouTube's user community that may be inappropriate for some users.” If only that message was put on because of the quality of the song. After a second try, I got the “song” playing (and I think you really need to see the accompanying video to fully appreciate how disgusting the lyrics are), and it took most of the song before I realized there would never be anything resembling a melody. I’ve heard a lot of people say that unlike Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera can actually sing, but I guess they’re talking about some other song, since this is basically just random words being screamed out (most of which are “dirty” and other variations like “naughty”). Scary stuff. 38.) Kid Rock – Amen (2007) According to Wikipedia, Kid Rock refers to this as “the greatest song he has ever written,” which of course raises the question what is the worst? We’re given a rare glimpse here into the brilliant mind of Kid Rock, who shares his views on America’s problems from “scumbag lawyers with agendas” to “natural disasters.” And, of course, Kid Rock in his infinite wisdom, offers us a solution, if we can all stop “living off hand outs and favors, and maybe give a little bit more than you got to give.” So you heard it here, if we just get rid of welfare, there will be no more natural disasters. And you have to wonder how he could sing with a straight face about “another soldier” having “to yell tell my wife and children I love them in his last breath” as if he’s some kind of anti-war activist when he’s referred to the Iraq War as “necessary” while throwing out that we don’t need “a bunch of pot-smoking hippies” elected to political office. What’s next, Toby Keith doing a cover of “Where Have All the Flowers Gone?” Oh, and on top of all that, Kid Rock’s enlightened perspective really comes through with the line “and how can we seek salvation when our nations race relations got me feeling guilty of being white.” Okay, Kid Rock, I really feel sorry for you. But even putting aside these unbelievable lyrics, the song is just awful musically, Kid Rock’s singing is barely passable and it sounds ridiculous the way on each chorus he echoes himself singing “amen.” 37.) Jay-Z – Hard Knock Life (Ghetto Anthem) (1998) There’s just nothing more representative of the trials of life in the ghetto than the song from “Annie.” The first time I heard this I thought it was a joke, like some Mad TV parody or something, and then I realized it was for real, and all I could say was “wait, what?” I guess the theme song to Sesame Street was already taken by some other rapper. And I know people think Jay-Z is supposed to be a good rapper or something, but I’m sorry, I just don’t hear it. I think the funniest part of Jay-Z’s apparent obsession with “Annie” is that he’s now moved on to producing a new “Annie” movie with who else but Will Smith, and most ridiculous of all, people will go see it. 36.) Nickelback – Photograph (2005) It literally takes only one second into this song to irritate me, just as soon as the singer starts to “sing” with that fake edgy rock voice of his. And this song has some of the stupidest lyrics ever written (even among the competition on this list). Just consider the following: “Kim's the first girl I kissed, I was so nervous that I nearly missed.” And then there’s “We used to listen to the radio and sing along with every song we know, we said someday we'd find out how it feels to sing to more than just the steering wheel.” I have to wonder, did somebody actually sit down and have to think about writing these lyrics? And the fact that this got played on every adult contemporary radio station every other minute certainly didn’t help matters. 35.) Mannheim Steamroller - Deck the Halls (1984) Nothing says Christmas like really cheesy synthesizer music. Actually I don’t even think the word cheesy begins to describe it, it sounds almost like it was meant to be the accompanying song for some kind of Disney parade, except Disney would never use something that sounded so amateurish. And I love the little moments of forced drama they interject as if you’re supposed to be getting swept up in the drama and emotion of the synthesizer effects that had to have sounded dated even in the 80s. Bah humbug. 34.) R.E.M. - Shiny Happy People (1991) There are not too many songs that can inspire so much rage so quickly. This song is the musical equivalent of one of those people you have to listen to when you come into work on a rainy Monday morning in a terrible mood and all they can do is talk about how great everything is. It’s just so sickeningly over-the-top joyful that it brings to mind the Barney “I love you, you love me” melody. Supposedly this song is some kind of commentary on Chinese propaganda pertaining to the Tiananmen Square protests, but I think that’s really giving it too much credit. Add to that the shrill vocals of Kate Pierson from the B52’s, and you’ve got a song that makes me most unhappy. 33.) Jennifer Lopez - Jenny from the Block (2002) I honestly can’t think of another song besides this one where the lyrics are so desperate to convince the listener of something that it almost sounds like she’s trying to convince herself, in this case, that Jenny is still “down to earth” and knows “where she came from, from the Bronx!” Just consider these unbelievably insistent lyrics, “I stayed grounded as the amounts roll in, I'm real, I thought I told you, I'm real, even on Oprah.” And then to remind us how much she’s earned all her money, she adds “It takes hard work to cash checks.” These lyrics are so self-important that even people who couldn’t have cared less about Jennifer Lopez before should hate her from hearing them (let alone seeing the movie “Gigli”). But let’s say you can somehow tune out how infuriating the lyrics are, what you’re left with is still a really mediocre song (which was somehow written by five different people, none of whom were Jennifer Lopez) that makes you wonder if she should have put more of that “hard work” into getting singing lessons instead of cashing checks. 32.) Dave Matthews Band – Halloween (1998) This is a unique song on the list because it’s by one of the few musicians that actually has some degree of talent, which is why I have to wonder if they were trying to make the worst song they possible could when they created this five minutes and seven seconds of utter horror (appropriately named “Halloween”). The instrumentation sounds frequently off-tune like random notes are being hit, and Dave Matthews spends much of the song screaming hoarsely in an unpleasant tone that cannot possibly be considered singing, varied periodically with incoherent babbling. Apparently this horrendous song was inspired by Dave Matthews getting rejected for a marriage proposal by the same woman three separate times, which I guess motivated Dave Matthews to think nothing else was working, so he might as well try writing bad music. Next… 31.) New Kids on the Block – You Got It (The Right Stuff) (1988) We round out this installment of awful songs with a song so sappy that it’s basically a parody of itself. And could they have possibly done less work coming up with lyrics? This is an actual portion of the song: “Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Oh, oh, oh, oh, Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, the right stuff, Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Oh, oh, oh, oh, Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, the right stuff.” No, that was not an exaggeration, those are sadly the real lyrics. And here’s one more brilliant segment: “Girl, yeah baby, yeah, tou know you got the right stuff, and girl, yeah, baby, you know, you know you got it, girl.” I think I’ve made my point. Stay tuned, it’s going to get a lot worse next time…  |
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