Looking Silly as An Adult in Underoos (5 Superpowers I'd Like Write Off)
Jan 26 '01 (Updated Feb 02 '01)
The Bottom Line We create and dream of Super Powers to make up for and hide our insecurities. And here I am letting the world know what they are.
This is part of the Five Super Powers Write Off I’ve been trying to organize for about a month now, but leave it to Epinions to f-u-c-k it all up. Hopefully you get the chance to read all of these amazing contributers. If you don’t read their W/O submissions, read everything else they’ve done. It’s totally worth it. Promise.
sundogg99 Officer Sloucho c-option Dlamarrx Gr8dane herjazz JennJoy Mr.Eyore OdellBurgess phixed waltlockley zenhues sleestakk Rhupea vipvop st3on1ey1baby levda Christoff
So on with the Super Powers….
Some people used to wrap a towel around their neck and pretend they were Superman. Some grabbed an umbrella and headed for the garage roof ready to jump off like Mary Poppins. Others hung a few toy guns and a walkie talkie from their belts and called themselves Batman.
I used to run around the house with my mom’s huge 1970’s turquoise and silver thick bracelets around my wrists, jump-rope make shift l-a-sso of truth at my side.
I’m an adult now, and my taste in Superpowers may have changed, but the games still the same…
what if
Now before y’all go NR’ing me (excuse me NH'ing me) for this one – just think back to all of those other “FIVE GIFTS I’D LIKE” reviews where the fine folks were wishing for the end of world hunger and peace on earth. Fine hopes for the world, sure. Very admirable. But when you think about it, the chances of that happening any time soon is as good as my childhood jump rope actually working as a l-a-sso of truth.
So I encourage you to sit back, enjoy the dream and let’s have some fun.
BEAM ME UP SCOTTY GIRL
Pros: instant travels anywhere – frequent flyer miles a thing of the past. My insane commute time to work – GONE.
Cons: you’d miss out on a lot of great travel experiences
No, I don’t want to meet William Shatner. But sometimes I just want to get from point A to point B without a hassle. Don’t get me wrong. I love to travel and part of the fun is getting there. Jumping on a plane is always an adventure from who you’re seat mate is going to be (smelly unshaven chatty man or snotty bouffant divorcee woman?) to what sort of schlep on a tray they try to pass off as food (you can tell I don’t fly first class much). And when it’s road trip time, grab a cup off coffee turn up the music and hit the gas.
That can be fun.
But sometimes, on the way back, when all of the fun is over, and it’s time to head back to reality – I’d rather be spared 3 hours plus thinking about it. Send my molecules a float across the universe and just get me there.
SUPER SLEEP STORAGE GIRL
Pros: You still get the comfort of sleep and get everything else done
Cons: There’s actual planning and foresight involved, but it’s worth a shot
You’re probably thinking - well, why not just be up-twenty-four-seven-girl? No, no. I am way to fond of napping and sleeping in general. And anyway, I practically have that title given my love for coffee. But in this life, no matter how many bottomless cups you consume, no matter how many times you do the ‘Dew – it’s gonna catch up with you.
So, if I could, I’d be able to store sleep reengergizing myself like a Duracell. Think about it – terribly handy if you could plan ahead. Take in a few more hours of sleep on one day when your schedule wasn’t so swamped – cash in that extra time at another date when you’ve got too much to do. Stay up all night and not suffer the consequences. Whether you just want to party with your friends, cram for a test, or take care of those midnight feedings – you’re golden.
SUPER GRAMMAR GIRL
Pros: You’d never have to suffer through another one of my poorly structured Epinions
Cons: Well, I’d like to think my horrible spelling, run on sentences and inability to use a semi colon properly as, you know, charming.
G’head. Click on a few of my other reviews. It’ll all be clear.
WITTY CHARMING CHATTY DRUNKEN GIRL
Pros: Get your buzz on without making an a-s-s of yourself
Cons: Asking to be no-hangover-in-the-morning-girl doesn’t necessarily go along with this super power
I wake up, a little groggy, head aching and beaten down like a solid gold dancer’s been tapping away on it all night
I am of course, hungover. But that’s ok. It was well worth it. I think back to the night before. There was drinking, laughing, chatting, merriment and dancing (don’t worry, I already think I turn into sexy-dancing-girl when over served. There’s video somewhere that proves otherwise.) But like I said, the hangover’s no big deal - a small price to pay for all of the joy I surely spread thick the night before.
Yeah, like when I told that guy he looked just like Captain Stuebing in his cap and proceeded to sing the first verse of the Love Boat – that was charming. Right?
Or when I held a captive audience of five mesmerized with my knowledge of cheap beer/cure for hiccups/hangover remedies for a good twenty minutes – that was charming, right?
Sure it was. If you’re Witty Charming Chatty Drunken Girl. This title will keep any drivel that rolls off my tongue fresh, funny and any audience ready for more. Even that 15 minute delusion rant about the beginning of my (for lack of a better term) Grrrl Power “Empire” (it’s not a Jedi thing. It’s not a porn thing. And no, it’s not a Jedi Porn thing – just too lengthy and outrageous to explain here).
Six pints and an Altoid, I’ll have the world at my feet.
SUPER ROCK STAR ANYTIME GIRL
Pros: I get to be a Rock Star
Cons: Rock Star lifestyle can be bad for your skin – you know, smokey bars and all…
One thing I regret in life – not becoming the Rock Star Girl I’ve always wanted to be. Am I lazy? Do I not have the dedication? Probably not. Because to get the benefits of being a true Rock Star, you gotta suffer a bit. I just want the fame and glory without all the fuss. So, in my role as Super Rock Star Anytime Girl, I get all the fabulous benefits of the roaring crowd, the adoration, the attention – the kick a-s-s attitude and fuss – without having to spend all my time touring on a smelly bus playing Playstation between stops. Hey, it’s my fantasy…right?
Let me tell you, narrowing this down to just five is hard work. YOU try to chose just five. If you can't – there are always the runner ups. Here they are:
Super Sweet to the In Laws Girl (no in laws yet, but I am sure it’d come in handy in the future)
Super Organized Closet Girl (I’m running late - where the heck are the panyt hose with out the runs???)
Super Sexy Dancer Girl (see above with chatty drunken girl - like I said, once I have a few, I thinkthis happens, but it’s just not true. Many videos to prove it)
Super Fabulous Make Up Girl (I don’t wear too much of the stuff – not ho-like, but I wish I could do it and pull it off, if,you know, I wanted to)
Super Heal The Pain Girl (for those awkward moments someone is spilling their guts to me and I just don’t know what to say to heal their pain)
Oh gosh people, there is so much more. But if I tell you too much, you’ll know ALL about my faults. That’s why people create Super Heros in the first place isn’t it? To take care of their insecurities?
So I would like to thank everyone for joining this silly write off more than a month in the making (the idea was preposed BEFORE the change). If I seem rushed don’t blame me – blame Epinions. They’re trying to shut this one down. No lie. So Make sure you read these people:
2nd shameless plug in case you mised the first:
sundogg99
Officer
Sloucho
c-option
Dlamarrx
Gr8dane
herjazz
JennJoy
Mr.Eyore
OdellBurgess
phixed
waltlockley
zenhues
sleestakk
Rhupea
vipvop
st3on1ey1baby
levda
Christoff
Thank you and good night
[insert roar of crowd as rock star leave stage]
[dim house lights]
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Epinions.com ID:
kellydeal
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Location: Midwest, USA
Reviews written: 31
Trusted by: 144 members
About Me:
Picture taken at Lounge Ax, the coolest in Chicago 'til the Yuppies shut it down
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