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Darn it, where the heck is my cape? (Superpower Write-Off)Jan 27 '01 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line We all can dream, can't we?
For years, I’ve pondered just what it would take to make my life totally complete. Now, thanks to kellydeal, sponsor of the Five Superpowers I’d Like Write-Off, I have been guided in my pondering, and I believe I have finally, once and for all, figured it out. All I need to do is come up with the following five things, and I will have lifelong bliss. Superpower #1 The first thing I need is the ability to make myself invisible. I would use this gift mainly to eavesdrop on conversations. I would walk into a room in my visible state, stay for a while, go outside, make myself invisible, and walk back in again to see if they were talking about me. What if they thought I was really stupid, and they discussed my flaws at length the minute I left the room? I’d definitely want to know. Or what if I’m missing out on something big? What if they know all the answers to life’s questions and they talk about them while I’m not there? Or what if they’ve got some really good gossip I don’t know about? I need to know these things. Superpower #2 You know how some ovens are self-cleaning? (Are they really, or is that the same kind of b.s. that says Cling Wrap won’t stick to itself? I wouldn’t know, having never lived in my own house and been sole caretaker of the oven. But I digress.) Well, I would like self-cleaning skin, hair, etc., so I wouldn’t have to take showers. Now, before you get grossed out, let me explain that I am not in any way averse to practicing habits of cleanliness. The thing is, I live in a dorm, so my shower experience is quite dissatisfying. The closest I ever come to really hating my life is at 7:00 each morning, shivering in a tiny shower stall as I wait seemingly forever for the water to get hot. Almost as bad is enduring the short, towel-clad walk back to my room; apparently this school doesn’t believe in heat. I swear I’m going to get hypothermia one of these days. So if I could avoid this experience entirely while still maintaining a healthy glow, lustrous hair (all three inches of it), and a generally pleasant odor, life would take a significant upturn. Plus, I could sleep an extra fifteen minutes. Superpower #3 Another vice about college is that almost everyone I love (with the exception of my friend Sara, who, by a freakish coincidence, got stuck in the same town I did even though she’s not going to my school) is in Florida. I’m in Tennessee. There are 168 hours in a week. I only have to be at school for 17 of those hours (20 if you count mandatory chapel). So doesn’t it seem pointless to spend my 148 extra hours here in Tennessee when I’d much rather be at home with my friends after classes? Unfortunately, though, the eight-hour commute that would require doesn’t seem quite worth it. So I need to be able to teleport; this way I could stay in Florida, zip up here for classes, then zip right back when I was through. I wouldn’t have to look at Cleveland, Tennessee for a second longer than I had to. This would have to be set up so that anyone who was touching me could teleport with me, and that way Sara could go home too. I wouldn’t want to leave her stuck here all by herself. Oh, and think of all the other possibilities! Say I’m in Ocala, surrounded by my group of friends, when one of them says, “Oh, there’s a insert band name concert tonight, too bad it’s in insert name of faraway city!” No matter! We’re instantly there, no long journey, no overpriced gasoline, no traffic. Wonderful. Superpower #4 But anywhere one goes, one will find stupid folks. So to take care of them, I need to be able to freeze people. They wouldn’t have to be all icy or anything; they would just not be able to move or speak. I’d let them blink, though, so their eyes didn’t dry out and start burning. I don’t want them to be in pain; I just want them to stop annoying me. This would definitely take care of the frightful girl who is always in the computer room; when she’s not singing loudly, she’s talking incessantly. Oh, I do hate living in a building full of girls. This one definitely needs to be muted, as do many of the others. And I can think of no one who needs to be rendered unable to move more than certain girls I often encounter at shows. As soon as the music starts, they begin what I assume they believe to be dancing, but which is really nothing more than shaking one’s butt rapidly back and forth. My enjoyment of a show can be drastically impeded by the presence of a stray gyrating butt right in front of me, only inches from rubbing lewdly against my leg. Eww. I feel violated. Once I froze these people, I could do one of three things with them. Most merciful would be to put them in some out-of-the-way corner somewhere. More fun would be to throw them up onto the stage and let the band mock them. It would also be fun to throw them into the mosh pit, but as I said, I don’t want anyone to be hurt, I will abstain from that and go with my first option. Superpower #5 My last gift is for entertainment purposes only: I want to be capable of time travel. I know, I know, I should have learned my lesson from Marty McFly, but what can I say, I’m a risk-taker. I would go back to the seventies and see old punk bands like the Ramones, the Clash, the Damned, and (my naked band) the Sex Pistols. Then maybe I’d go back to the sixties and hang out with the hippies for a while, just to say I did it. (I’d just have to make sure to steer clear of my mom.) The possibilities would be endless. Also, it would be handy when I forgot something because I could just go back in time and get it, like Bill and Ted did. Excellent! So that’s my ideal life. These five things are all I need to be fulfilled. All I have to do is find out where to get them. Durnit, I’ll be going now, I’m off on a lifelong quest… Other participants in this write-off: sundogg99, Officer, Sloucho, aribuzz, c-option, Dlamarrx, Gr8dane, herjazz, jennifernorth, JennJoy, Liberator76, Mr.Eyore, OdellBurgess, phixed, waltlockley, zenhues, sleestakk, vipvop, st3on1ey1baby, levda, Christoff, kellydeal  |
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