Fighting for the Right to be Self-Involved and Socially Backward - It’s Super C-Option!
Jan 27 '01
The Bottom Line C-option is a bad, bad superhero, but don't mess with her or you'll get The Death Ray!
I’d make a horrible superhero. Forget fighting crime and doing it all for the children – if some wizard suddenly appeared in my bedroom and offered to endow me with the five superpowers of my choice, they’d all go toward easing my countless little miseries and eradicating my (real or perceived) enemies.
1. Invisibility
A power I wish for every single day of my life. Just think of all the awkward social situations I could avoid if I were invisible... (Your niece’s christening? The boss’ required get-together? I was there, you just must not have seen me.) I could go to office parties for the free food and never have to worry about making conversation with Sally from Development or Rick from H.R. I could also go to book readings and plays flocked to by the intelligentsia at will (as I’ve mentioned before, I’m so cultured) without feeling strapped for a pretentious jargon-filled comment in case some black turtle-necked fellow decides to show off his intellectual muscles.
Invisibility would also make it dead easy to slip backstage or into hotel rooms to spy on my favorite rock stars. Watch out Steve Malkmus and Damon Albarn - c-option’s invisible and she’s coming for you!
2. Flash-like Walking Speed
My refusal to participate in adult-type decision-making activities prevents me from buying a car and thus I am a slave to public transportation. Combine this with a weaknesses for staying up late and sleeping in as long as possible, and you get a person who’s never less than a half hour late for work or any other early morning activity. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve hustled from the bus or run to catch a train that I’ve wished that I could shake off the fetters of my miniscule walking stride and break the sound barrier to arrive at my appointed destination. Notice I’m not asking to fly – that just seems like a lot of work since people would probably expect me to give them lifts places (“Come on, it’s on the way!”) and I’d wind up running an air taxi service.
3. Time Travel
O.K., time travel is not really a typical superpower. But how else could I travel back to 1964, snatch George Harrison away from Patti Boyd, and save him from a future of humorless spirituality? If you’ve ever watched A Hard Day’s Night and The Concert for Bangladesh back-to-back you know why my sweet George must be saved.
4. Supersonic Hearing
Enhanced hearing powers would be invaluable in so many ways. I could make out every word of wacky stage banter at concerts, even Oasis ones. I could confirm or disprove my paranoia that people are trashing me behind my back by eavesdropping on all conversations within a 500 mile radius. And finally, I could safely drink to excess any old time I want without being afflicted with the dreaded cotton ear that keeps me from catching all those pearls of drunken wisdom my imbiding buddies let fall from their mouths.
5. The Death Ray
Ah, the great equalizer. It wouldn’t matter how big or how powerful my enemies were, with my death ray I could vaporize them with just one glance. Boss teeing me off? – death ray! Landlord refusing to fix my heat? – death ray! Jay Leno smarming his way through an interview with yet another vapid Hollywood starlet? – double death ray! As you can see, I’d be pretty darn beneficent with the thing, and would only use it when absolutely necessary.
You have just finished reading what is likely the most self-involved entry in the (now there’s a superhero!) kellydeal-sponsored Five Superpowers Write-Off. More worthy participants whose entries may restore your faith in humanity include sundogg99, Officer, Sloucho, aribuzz, Dlamarrx, Gr8dane, herjazz, jennifernorth, JennJoy, Liberator76, Mr.Eyore, OdellBurgess, phixed, waltlockley, zenhues, sleestakk, Rhupea, vipvop, st3on1ey1baby, levda, and Christoff.
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Epinions.com ID:
c-option
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Member: Christine
Location: Ann Arbor, MI
Reviews written: 36
Trusted by: 64 members
About Me:
Serving up chronic dissatisfaction since 1973.
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