At this very moment, it pains me to type this review. Some people may ask, “Why?” It is the simple fact that this is the absolute worst Nintendo Entertainment System game I have ever played. Amagon topples mighty stinkers such as Baseball and Bigfoot. Ever since the day I got this damned game I have scorned its very existence.

Amagon was a game released by the American Sammy Corporation, in which I have no clue who the hell they were, and I also have no clue why Nintendo allowed the licensing of such a regurgitated piece of crap. There must have been tons of bribes to the Nintendo management to get this waste of plastic and silicon created.

Graphics (3)

Blecky. The graphics were under average, to say the least. With the looks of all the things in this game graphically, I would say that the programmers put a good hour to two hours into making all the characters and background. The colors are mostly huge color fills, like the blue sky, and green grass. The “Amagon” character, of course I don’t know who the hell he is, nor do I care, is designed about halfway decent. At first he looks like a goofy little weakling that can barely hold his gun (which is just a black line). And when he transforms into a superhuman buff (more on this later), he looks like some stupid muscle man with his face busted in. The worst part of the graphics was seeing your character die. He leaps into the air sideways and makes a goofy face then lands on his head. The only reason I do not like that is because I saw it happen close to a thousand times in this damned game.

Sound (2)

Well, the sound and music portion of the game was not something to applaud about. The only sounds in this game were of your player shooting his stupid little black line that looks like a gun, your character getting points, and..and..oh, wait, that is it. The music of the game was not much better. It had more of a childish feel than anything else. It seemed it would only appeal to three-year-olds.

Control (1)

Waugh! This game has the absolute worst control I have ever had to deal with, other than E.T. for the old Atari 2600! Believe me, that is really bad. Your character’s timing on jumps are sometimes changed in midair seemingly and you go flying in to a pit. Also, if you duck completely under a monster, sometimes the damned thing will hit you anyway! It can also get annoying against bosses. If you are against an ape-like man, don’t even bother trying to jump over him for he will follow your movements. Also, sometimes the muscle buff guy barely misses his target when punching, for all he does is uppercuts. Bahhh, the best control I have from this game is hitting the cartridge itself in a straight line drive with my baseball bat

Gameplay (0)

Shoot me. {BLAM}. Ow, dammit. I didn’t mean it literally. I just said that because this game’s gameplay is so awful that you would want someone to shoot you, too, if you actually had to beat the game, like I did.

The basic plot of Amagon is to get your character through his missions, which I had no damned clue what the mission was until I beat the game. Along the stages were oodles upon oodles of monsters to destroy. Of course, would they let you have a certain amount of hits before you die? NOOOO. Well, that is, if you’re in your original form. After you get an icon that looks kind of like a muscle man, or a blob of tan crap, you can hit the select button and transform into the muscle buff guy I had mentioned before. Then, finally, the game gets easier, which leads me to my next subject: Difficulty.

This game’s difficulty was utterly confusing and annoying. When you’re in the “weakling” form, the game is literally impossible to beat. One hit by a small bird, and you are dead. You automatically start back at the beginning of the level, or the half-way point. Also, in most cases, if you are in weakling form against a boss, you literally have no chance in hell of beating it. Also, if you are not completely on a platform, you’ll fall off. I was off by, oh, less than a millimeter several times and I fell into a endless pit.

When you transform into the muscle buff, I think the number of points you have collected along the way determines the number of hit points he has. He could have anywhere from one hit point to about fifteen. The weird thing is, once you become the muscle buff, this game is an utter breeze! If you don’t fall into a pit, the game becomes 200 times easier than it was before. For one thing you do not have to use bullets, and you can just punch the crap out of all the stupid bats and snakes. Also, the bosses are 1273891273901278 times easier, for it is almost 100% guaranteed that you would defeat the boss as the muscle buff. I found it odd that the bosses were much easier than stages themselves. The final boss only took about 6 punches before it died, which I found stupid.

Overall, the gameplay sucked. It does not have the worst gameplay of all time, for it does beat most Atari 2600 games released in 1983 (EVERY GAME DOES).

Difficulty (10)

Sure, deem that score however the hell you want to. A 10 in difficulty is good for most games, but with the dismal gameplay and horrid control in this game the difficulty becomes a real pain in the rear. When you’re not the muscle buff, your chances of finishing a level are none to less than none. If a bat touches you, you are dead. If you barely touch something that does not look helpful, you are dead. If you miss a ledge by .0001 millimeters, you are dead. I had to cheat to beat this damned game. Only when you become the muscle buff you can destroy everything in your path without fear of dying. Usually, to beat a level, you have to move here, duck here, jump here, then run backwards .23 seconds, jump at a 42 degree angle there, have your gun aligned with the rays of Saturn to destroy that bat, and miraculously land on the next tree stump….only to be killed by a angry cartoon elephant.

Replay (0)

No. Just, no. Almost everybody has shirts that say, “SAY NO TO DRUGS.” Well, get a shirt that says, “SAY NO TO AMAGON.” Seriously, I played this game through once, and played the first few stages one more time before I just could not stand it anymore. I will never play this game again, unless I want to be reminded of how awful it is, or if I feel like puking at six in the morning so that I would be able to stay home from school.

Overall (1)

Amagon is the worst NES game of all time. I know I have said this three or four times already, but I must get the thought through everyone’s head so that they leave this game alone. This game featured awful graphics, grueling gameplay, childish music, and other assorted bad details.

{Mark McGwire takes a swing at an Amagon cart and knocks it over the 400-foot wall in center field}

Mark McGwire: That’s a MAC ATTACK.

Recommended: Yes